Colors and Identity!

Nike has colors like "Voltage Yellow," "Photo Blue," and "Zen Grey."  Maybelline has "Reliable Raspberry," "Timeless Toffee," and "Constantly Cabernet."  Sherman-Williams has "Adriatic Sea Blue," "Billiard Green," and "Morning Sun."

Everywhere, colors are getting branded.  Companies are giving colors their own schwerve, attitude and individuality.  No more simple blue, red or green.  That's not good enough any more.  You thought colors were their own best description?  Think again!  Now we're giving each color a distinctive personality.  What separates this green from that green?  What is this green feeling?  How does it make me feel?  Who am I?  What am I?  Why am I?

I'll tell you.  Luckily, I'm just the type of guy to capitalize on this phenomenon and I jotted down some ideas.  These new color brands can be used for cars, clothes, products... anything!  And each one has a certain "jena se qua" that lends itself to what you're selling.  Colors have charisma. 

• Arrogant Argyle
• Conspiring Cobalt
• Wink and Nod White
• Soulless Silver (good for Hondas)
• Terrorist Tan
• Paralyzing Periwinkle
• Disconcerting Dark Brown 
• Hooker Hot Pants Pink
• Trump® Gold
• Lecherous Lilac 
• Tangential Tangerine
• Egghead
• Shy Yellow

Yes, I know argyle isn't a color, but that's a good name.  Any others?  Better yet, you tell me what products might correspond to each color!

Brad... A BIT of an attitude!

Thanks Justin.

Vanity Fair's "My Stuff"

I love reading Vanity Fair for so many reasons.  I love the in-depth articles with seemingly no word count limits.  I love how there are 34 pages of ads before the table of contents.  And I love the "My Stuff" section, where taste-makers and trendsetters of high society share their favorite things and indispensable items.  

In this section you can find out everything from "Who inspires Rihanna?" (The Navy Seals), "What are restaurateur David Chang's favorite sheets?" (Any high thread count white sheets), and "What is Mad Men costume designer Janie Bryant's favorite snack?" (Smoked oysters on toothpicks). 

It's a fascinating look into what the stylistas and fashionistas of the world are wearing, using and grooming themselves with.  But I wonder... what if the rest of us got to be stylemakers for a change?  What can we learn from the everyday American? 

So I walked down to my local grocery store to interview some common folk.  I met a wonderful 72-year-old woman named Dorothy Becker, and she invited me back to her  home for a conversation.  I asked her a few questions in the fashion of "My Stuff."  Here are her answers.

----------

Dorothy

HOME

Where do you live?  Piedmont Gardens Retirement Community, Oakland, CA.

Favorite art?  My 8-year-old niece's finger painting.

Sheets?  Better Homes and Gardens 250 thread count, twin-size sheet set.

Stationery?  Unicef cards by Hallmark.

Cocktail?  Fresca with a splash of gin.

CLOTHES

Jeans you can't live without?  Lee Side-Elastic Stretch Jeans

Favorite underwear?  I'm uncomfortable with this question.

Sneakers?  Dearfoams Plush Clogs.

Watch? Classic Mickey Mouse watch, from a lovely Disneyland trip.

Designer?  Kathy Ireland.

GROOMING

Favorite Shampoo?  Prell Classic. 

Toothpaste? Sensodyne.

Soap?  I splurge!  Dove Sensitive Skin.

Where do you get your hair cut?  We have an Asian girl come to the complex every month for trims.  She's lovely.

INSPIRATIONS

Favorite discovery?  My Jitterbug phone's auto dial feature.

Necessary extravagance?  I treat myself to a See's assortment every Christmas.

Who inspires you?  My grandchildren!

Favorite vacation spot?  Branson, MO.

Favorite movie?  When I feel sad, I put in my VHS copy of "Shall We Dance."  Astair truly was magical.

-------

Well, there you have it.  Quite enlightening, wasn't it?  Thanks again to Dorothy for her time.

This week in Commercial Creepazoids. 4/26/11

To be a CEO of a major American company, you have to be equal parts ruthless, relentless and willing to gut your competitors like a fish.  You also have to be extremely narcissistic, which is why we see so many CEOs in commercials for their own company.  If you think about it, this is the height of vanity.  

These CEOs believe that they are the most important thing the company has going for them, not the product, the employees, certainly not the customers.  They crave the spotlight and are desperate to be paraded in front of the cameras... so long as its not because of bad publicity.  Of course, CEOs are like professional athletes, insulated from criticism and often never told no or "that's a bad idea."  It's why 60% of NBA players declare bankruptcy after retiring, and why some CEOs make really bad commercials.

The poster child for athlete excess.

Don't get me wrong, sometimes the commercials work.  Dave Thomas of Wendy's literally revived his company by appearing in commercials in the late 1980s.  Brand awareness of the fast food chain skyrocketed, in part because Thomas was so folksy and unnatural on camera.  Why they're just a little mom and pop chain, let's go there for a burger tonight!

But Thomas ruined CEO commercials, soon every CEO with an elective acting class in college was running to get in front of the camera thinking they could get the same success.  But for every Orville Redenbacher or Tim and Gert Boyle, there are a dozen Dan Hesses.

Smug bastard.

Hesse is a creep.  But he wasn't always a creep!  Hesse has been appearing in Sprint commercials since 2009.  Previous iterations featured Hesse in a stylish black and white jaunt through Times Square, explaining why Sprint has the best network speed and so on.  Slate called Hesse a, "suave, urbane, corporate leader."  Or at least that was the image. 

Sprint and ad agency Goodby, Silverstein and Partners should have quit while they were ahead.  Because the current version makes Hesse look like a creep and furthermore, a dumb ass. 

Any time you use a phrase as cliched and trite as "The other day I looked (blank) up in the dictionary..." it's a sign of creative implosion.  Who among us didn't, in those desperate middle school days, start out an essay with "Webster's Dictionary defines...?"  It's the last desperate act when you are creatively exhausted.  It makes me wonder if Hesse isn't writing the copy for these commercials, because I find it hard to believe a professional ad copywriter could be this bad.  Right?  Right?

Unfortunately, the commercial also conjures up the image of Dan Hesse looking through the dictionary with a furrowed brow, desperate to figure out a big, imposing word that someone said to him.  Unlimited... hmm, that's a new one, gotta write that down, check out the dictionary tonight.  Don't let them see you sweat, you're the CEO of the third largest wireless company in the U.S., to be #1 you gotta know the big words.

Why can't cell phone companies get decent ads?  Between shirtless creepy guys, bespectacled creepy guys and absurdly creep guys... there seems to be a dearth of good ideas (Note to Dan Hesse, dearth means a scarcity.  Oh and scarcity means a lacking or "not being there."  Oh nevermind).  I appreciated Nextel's Walkie Talkie ads, they were clever and got the phone's main feature across to the viewer.  Sorry Dan, you're the Commercial Creepazoid of the week.  Down with CEOs, up with firefighters. 

Destro: A Character Study

With every movie, television, action figure, cartoon franchise, there are certain ideas and concepts considered "canon."  These are the established stories and character traits that define a pop culture item.  For example, George Lucas once said that the only true canon for his Star Wars Universe are Episodes I through VI (or self-aggrandizingly referred to as "G-Canon," for George Level Canon).  None of the novels, television shows, video games, or fan fiction "officially" count as being part of the story world.  Luke never marries Mara Jade after Return of the Jedi, Kyle Katarn doesn't become the new Emperor, and Chewy and Leia don't engage in a tawdry interspecies relationship.

Caught.

Like many a boy growing up in the 1980s, G.I. Joe was a formidable influence on my life.  But the lack of canon in G.I. Joe is one thing that has always bugged me.  Between the Saturday morning cartoon series, the action figure line, the comic books, the ridiculously out of touch animated movie, and the recent abysmal movie... there is no clear continuity.   Even worse, these cross-pollinating and criss-crossing storylines all convolute my favorite character - Destro.

The most interesting man in cartoons.

In the cartoonishly Cold War era G.I. Joe universe, the lines of good and bad are clearly drawn.  COBRA is hell bent on world domination.  G.I. Joe is an elite task force determined to stop them.  But one man plays both sides, James McCullen Destro XXIV. 

The animated series - being by far the most popular G.I. Joe form - positioned him as Cobra Commander's right hand man and COBRA's weapons supplier.  Most of what we know about Destro comes from the cartoon.  He was prone to backstabbing and second-guessing Cobra Commander at every opportunity.  Nearly every episode he could be heard yelling "FOOLS!" when one of Cobra Commander's hairbrained world take-over schemes inevitably backfired.  Sure, it's easy to criticize a mad man's lunatic schemes, but did cartoon Destro have a better plan?  Rarely, if ever.

The cartoon paints a very one-dimensional and inaccurate portrait of the steel-faced legend.  He exists solely as foil to Cobra Commander, yet without the balls to step up and do anything.  Despite the fact that Destro is Scottish, the cartoon gives him a deeply, gravelly, decidedly African-American voice.  He seems to be wearing metallic silver face paint rather than a mask.  And they also completely fuck up his back story, as depicted in the video below.

Dumb. Dumb. Dumb.  And wrong.  Destro's family was never engaged in cult like supernatural activities.  Unfortunately, there are many things the cartoon got wrong attempting for its goofy "good versus evil" plot line.  The 2009 movie is even worse, with Christopher Eccleston's Destro seemingly throwing a dart at a board and picking "creating a new world order" for his evil plot.  And don't get me started on the nano-mite technology responsible for the movie's version of his mask.

The man that would be Destro.

I prefer the mature Marvel comic series (predating the original cartoon by three years), where characters actually died and dark political themes were discussed.  In this, Destro is one of the most complex and three-dimensional characters in comic/action figure history.  He thrives in the storytelling of a serial comic, where subtle nuances are defined and explored over years. 

In the comic, the Destro clan is Scottish royalty with a castle in the Highlands.   During the English Civil War, Destro's ancestors were weapons makers, making huge profits off both the Parliamentarians and the Royalists.  Until Oliver Cromwell discovered the duplicity.  Not wanting to cut himself off from the best weapons maker in Europe, Cromwell forced the leader of the clan to wear a steel mask rather than killing him.  Fast forward hundreds of years later, where Destro XXIV has turned the mask of shame into a badge of family pride.  He continues the family business with a mercenary weapons company called M.A.R.S. (Military Armaments Research Syndicate).

Over the course of the comics, Destro transforms from mercenary capitalist supplying the well-funded COBRA with high-tech weapons into a lovesick homebody who just wants to spend quality time in his secluded castle.  Perhaps it's fatigue from one too many failed assassination attempts or simply mellowing out with age.  I would argue Destro was never fully part of COBRA, but an independent businessman who knew a sucker with deep pockets when he saw one.  He never had evil intentions in the world domination sense, apart from being an unrepentant capitalist.  A man has to earn a living after all.

Do you know how much steel polish costs per year?

Despite his lust for profits, Destro had a strong sense of honor and personal moral code.  He stopped Cobra Commander's son from killing the head Snake because he couldn't bare to see a family torn apart.  In a flashback episode, a young Destro saves G.I. Joe hero Snake-Eyes from false murder accusations in Vietnam.  He even sided with the G.I. Joe team after a secret Pentagon cabal tried to frame the heroes for a failed assault on Cobra Island.  Turns out Destro sold his weapons to the Pentagon and exposed the U.S. government for its hypocrisy... after he had taken their money of course.  The world was not so black and white.

Lovers: Destro and the Baroness

Cobra Commander needed Destro more than vice versa, yet he never fully trusted the man in the metal mask.  Maybe it was because Destro had long-loved and long-got-his-schwerve-on with the Commander's second in command, the Baroness.  Perhaps if the Baroness had NOT been so involved with COBRA, Destro would have lived out an understated life as a Lord of War.  But his obsessive love for the emotionally disturbed Baroness forced his hand.

Towards the end of the Marvel comic line, it's revealed that Baroness's long obsession with killing Snake Eyes is rooted in her false belief that he killed her brother in Vietnam.  She comes to the realization that her whole terrorist life is a lie and attempts suicide by leaping out of a helicopter, only to be saved by Storm Shadow.  Recuperating later and reflecting on her life, Baroness and Destro talk in a hotel room.  Destro is willing to give up everything - his weapons business, his family mask, his whole life - to be with Baroness.  He even removes his mask, dropping it to the floor with a clunk to reveal his face.

Handsome devil.

Destro and Baroness - now going by their given names James and Anastasia - flee to Destro's secret hideout in Trans-Carpathia to live the quiet life.  Not quite the life of the cartoon's sadistic corporate madman.  Of course, going straight is never easy.  The couple had to survive more assassination attempts, Cobra Commander's hypnotic trance on Baroness, and the emergence of Destro's duplicitous son Alexander.  

In the fictional comic world, Destro's whereabouts are currently unknown.  But I like to think he's out there somewhere, taking Baroness out to fancy dinners and secretly dreaming up new weapon technology. 

It's a shame the 2009 movie was such a departure from the classic Joe storylines.  For most, G.I. Joe is known for comical public service announcements.  Still, the cartoon series rightly deserve its place in pop culture lore.  But there should be a place for more mature re-tellings of the characters that defined so many 80s baby's childhoods.  Can't the stories advance into present times without becoming so ridiculously out of touch with the source material? Yes the characters were created to sell toys, but it's still real to me dammit!

For now we are stuck with the great, but too short, Adult Swim cartoon "G.I. Joe: Resolute."  Alas.

Liberal Arts: The Movie

FADE IN: 

INT. COLLEGE HALLWAY - DAY

A young, eager STUDENT waits patiently outside an office door.  He’s a freshly scrubbed Freshman, dressed nicely in khakis and a white golf shirt.  He carries three books under his arms and a pen behind his ear.  He knocks on the door.

A wild-haired, bespectacled PROFESSOR swings the door open.  He’s in his late 40s with a sleepy look in his eyes.  He’s dressed much worse than the Freshman, wearing ripped jeans and a T-shirt.

PROFESSOR

What?

STUDENT

Hello, Professor Bybee.  My name is Seth, I’m in your Thursday class.  Do you have office hours right now?

PROFESSOR BYBEE

Yes, yes.  Come in.

Seth enters Bybee’s office, it’s cluttered in a maniacally genius way.  Some serious thinking goes on here.  There is a copy of Penthouse mixed in with academic journals and The Economist on Bybee’s desk.  A large Indian drapery covers the office windows, letting in a small amount of orangeish natural light.  Bybee takes a seat in a well-worn fabric chair and motions Seth to sit.

SETH

Professor, I’m having a hard time with this class.

PROFESSOR BYBEE
What’s the problem?

SETH
I... well... what’s this class about anyway?

Bybee removes his glasses.

PROFESSOR BYBEE

It’s about the hegemonic influences of western culture on the Third World.  It’s about neo-classical feminism versus post-modern feminism.  We’re talking values versus culture vis a vis politics, language and class.  It’s the digital economy versus the global capitalist economy.  It’s about finding political consciousness in an increasingly unconscionable world.  It’s the cheese-eating bourgeosie and the pseudo-choices of the American public.  Finally, it’s about the military industrial complex and the fascist vegetarian agenda.  Does that answer your question?

SETH

I think... so?

PROFESSOR BYBEE

Good.  Now I have a question for you.

Bybee puts his glasses on and leans forward.

PROFESSOR BYBEE

Where can I score some primo weed?

FADE TO BLACK.

World's Greatest Speech

Thanks Justin.

Working on something in-depth and hard-hitting for tomorrow (I hope). But for now, enjoy this.

Pretty Good Idea™ , vol. 3

From 1999 to 2008, the U.S. Mint released 50 state quarters.  Everyone loved collecting these.  Kids would rush to the bank every six weeks to exchange dollar bills for a new batch of quarters.  They'd keep them in special folders, trade 'em, and shine 'em with silver polish.  It was a frenzy on par with Beanie Babies, Tickle Me Elmo, and those creepy Furbies.

Some quarters where amazing, like Alaska, which featured an awesome Grizzly snatching a swimming salmon from a raging river.  Or Wyoming, with its silhouette of a cowboy breaking down a wild, bucking colt.  Both capture the spirit, splendor, and pride of their respective states.



Yee-haw!!!



 

Gggrrrrrowwrr, bear claws.



There were a few stinkers too.  Like Wisconsin, playing up all its stereotypes with a giant cow's face and a cheese wheel stamped on its coinage.  Might as well just throw Crestor pills on there too.  And Oklahoma, with a sissy bird and flowers on it.  There could have been so many better choices in such an American state - football, pioneers, Native American history, bison, or even the Broadway hit "Oklahoma!" 

Moo.

Rogers & Hammerstein are spinning in their grave.

Sadly, the state quarter program ended when the U.S. Mint ran out of states.  Sure, they started minting quarters with U.S. Territories on them, but it's not the same.  No one wants to collect the Northern Mariana Islands.  No one.

So when I read about Hershey's raising prices by 10% due in part to slumping sales estimates and the rising cost of cocoa, I had an epiphany*.  Like a shot of nitrous oxide to the gas tank of its profit lines, candy rival Mars, Inc. could boost sales of M&Ms through the roof by... printing state images on their candies. 

Stay with me here.  M&Ms already offers consumers the ability to personalize their own bite sized confections with words, pictures, even NFL logos.  They have the technology.  

Your face here.

Print the 50 states on M&Ms and market them as a limited edition collectors item.  Make it nearly impossible to collect all 50 - kids and parents will be buying bags upon bags of M&Ms with no end in sight!  And it gets better.  Mars, Inc. could have a contest... if you collect the M&Ms for all 50 states, you win a free trip to the state of your choice (continental U.S. only).  Only there would be one state that's nearly impossible to find, like Connecticut (most people couldn't find it on a map anyway).  

Find Connecticut, win a prize.

And of course the added bonus is that we would get a re-do on some of the lamest state quarters.  Mars could drive traffic to the M&Ms website and allow consumers to vote on their favorite designs.  Better yet, people would have to sign up with their e-mail addresses to vote... allowing Mars to bombard them with ads, coupons, and more!!!  Hershey's wouldn't stand a chance in hell.

People love candy.  People love collecting.  People love winning things.  With a contest like this, we're all winners.

*This idea actually came to my girlfriend in a sugar-induced stupor, but like any good American I stole it and capitalized on it. 

Ted Leo featuring Paul F. Tompkins

Ted Leo And The Pharmacists - "Bottled In Cork" (Official Video) from Ted Leo and the Pharmacists

Someone's Trying to Kill John Denver!

Anyone who knows me, knows I love three things: political intrigue, redacted names, and John Denver's wonderful song "Country Roads."

Imagine my wonder and shock when I discovered all three of my loves merged beautifully together.  The Federal Bureau of Investigation has recently released hundreds of previously classified  investigation documents on a number of famous people and incidents.  They call it "The Vault."  There are files on Notorious B.I.G., the Kent State massacre, and even unexplained animal mutilation. 

It seems the FBI even had a case file on one Henry John Deutschendorf, Jr., alias John Denver.  Sure, we remember John Denver as a mild, bespectacled folk singer, tireless political activist, and frequent guest star on the Muppets.  Here's what the FBI thought of him: an anti-American habitual drug user and possible target of a La Cosa Nostra hit squad (in one report an agent notes that Denver is chronically "strung out on cocaine").  Makes John Denver seem a lot more bad ass doesn't it?

He also had SEVENTEEN death threats from an unknown German woman in December 1979.  Apparently, she called Denver's various businesses to say that her mother's boyfriend was coming to Los Angeles to kill the singer.  Achtung, baby!  Who was she?  A jilted lover?  Spurned fan?  Why don't these reports add more commentary?

And I don't need to remind you that Denver died in a mysterious plane crash in 1997 with over 2,700 hours of flight experience.  Just saying.

John Denver: entertainer, drug user, car salesman.

Perhaps the most ridiculous thing about this case file is that it shows just how paranoid Richard Nixon was at the height of his presidency.  In May 1971, the FBI investigated Denver regarding his part in a "Dump the War Rally" in Minnesota.  Along with "Former Navy Lieutenant" and swift boat commander John Kerry and U.S. Senator Eugene McCarthy (the good McCarthy), Denver presumably showed up and sang a few tunes in between passionate speeches.  According to the report, 17,000 people showed up to this folk concert/"Dump Nixon effort."

The Swift-boating of John Denver begins.

How paranoid do you have to be to waste the tax-payer's money with an FBI investigation into John Denver at a war rally?  Well, as we know now, Nixon was pretty damn paranoid.  But I digress, this is starting to get too political, and that's not the reason I bring John Denver up.  What I wonder is this... just who is the FBI keeping tabs on these days?  Which celebrity has death threats and which one is in bed with the Yakuza?  I guess we'll find out when the Feds redact and release today's files in another 30 years.  But it's always fun to speculate...

Do these stars have FBI files, and what's in them?

Justin Bieber - An obvious yes.  A good stalker could make a career out of Bieber, but something tells me his freaky fans are not just pre-teen girls.   You know there are a whole host of balding, 40-something creeps with Bieber fan sites that the FBI E-Squad monitors... just in case.

Rebecca Black - No, not yet.  She's harmless enough.  Plus, all the cyber-bullying is being directed outwardly in YouTube dislikes and snarky blogs.  Which brings me to a thought... does the FBI investigate memes?

"Weird Al" Yankovic - Maybe.  You know Coolio was pissed about the whole Amish Paradise thing.  Was he pissed enough to plan a hit on the famed Polish Parody man?

George Clooney - God yes, and as thick as a phone book.  Between his leftist leanings, jaunts to Darfur and poking fun at Charlton Heston's Alzheimer's, the FBI has a lot to keep track of.  Still, it's tough to dislike the guy, especially when he says things like this: “I didn’t live my life in the right way for politics, you know, I fucked too many chicks and did too many drugs, and that’s the truth.”

Michael Jordan - A resounding yes, and man I'd love to see it.  Rumor has it that Jordan took those two years off to play baseball because he was secretly banned from the NBA for gambling.  Sure, it's a total made-up allegation... right?  What does RICO have to say about it?  Also, Jordan spends roughly 65% of his time in casinos, you can't do that and not make a few enemies or friends with Italian last names.  What?

Gary Coleman - Yeah of course, he was a candidate for California Governor at one point.  I'm sure the FBI was very busy at that point investigating porn stars, media magnates, and comedians that were all running for office.  Coleman's life read like a tragedy, including a reported attempt to purchase a bulletproof vest which led to him punching an autograph seeking fan.  I would want to read this case file out of morbid curiosity. 

Who else do you think has an FBI case file?  And what's in it?  Leave your guesses in the comments section!

Hey F*** You, Jamie Oliver!

Jamie Oliver is a celebrity chef from jolly old England who made a name for himself cooking naked in Britain's schools.  Or something like that (I don't do much research).  Apparently he was disgusted by the over-processed, under-nutritioned meals the schools were feeding the children.  So he made a TV show about it.  The U.K. show was a success, so he repeated the efforts in Huntington, West Virginia - a place Oliver calls "ground zero" for America's obesity epidemic.  Damn, Huntington just got served.

Now he's tackling the Los Angeles Unified School District, for reasons both altruistic and possibly monetary.  Oh, and it's gonna be televised, son!!!

Jamie Oliver in the... kitchen?

Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution season 2 aired three nights ago on ABC.  The reviews were generally positive beforehand, with most of the "liberal" press applauding Oliver's efforts.  Last season the show won the Emmy for Outstanding Reality Series.  

Yet the debut season 2 episode saw the ratings slip 40% from last season's premiere.  This got me thinking.  As my girlfriend recently proclaimed, fat people have replaced little people as the go-to ratings boon for any network.  Say goodbye to the Roloffs and Pit Boss and say hello to the Biggest Loser, Heavy, and I Used to be Fat (which is a GREAT show for other reasons).  So why did Oliver tank and the ratings for other fat shows balloon like the waistlines of our populace? 

Jamie Oliver might just piss people off.  He's very polarizing.  People in America have seemingly had enough of Jamie Oliver and his quest to get us to stop eating garbage.  I settled in with some Doritos and a Coke Zero and jotted down some notes in a Running Diary of Food Revolution 2: Los Angeles.

-----

8:00 - Jamie arrives in Los Angeles, 11 million people, Hollywood stars, healthy lifestyles.  Why did he choose this place again?  Someone on screen says, "It's easier to get a gun, crack or prostitute in Los Angeles than a tomato."  Wait a second, that's not a fair comparison!  Guns, crack and hookers are native to Los Angeles, tomatoes come from South America.

8:03 - Jamie explains that prior to even filming, the LAUSD denied him access to any of their schools.  Come on LAUSD, you just gave the producers the entire season's story line!!!  Now if he does get into the schools, you look like you caved.

8:04 - There's a shot of Jamie's chubby wrist on the steering wheel of a car.  This is one thing I have a problem with.  For a healthy eating advocate, Oliver sure is doughy.  He's developing a double chin.  I want my food advocates rail thin and looking like they've never enjoyed a cheeseburger in their lives.

8:05 - Jamie goes on Ryan Seacrest's radio show to promote his efforts.  Seacrest is producing Jamie's show.  Synergy!

8:06 - Product placement!  Microsoft's bing© has sponsored some sort of a giant CNN-style Stiuation Room touch screen that lets Jamie keep tabs on obesity and where exactly someone is eating a doughnut, possibly complete with a Google satellite view of the person gorging on fried food. 

8:06 - Either Jamie or his producers have put a casting call out for middle aged folks and chunky kids.  They've arrived to hear a lecture on what goes into a school lunch hamburger.  But first Jamie has asked kids to bring in their "actual" school lunches.  A lot of prepackaged doughnuts and cheese filled things.  They do look pretty disgusting.

Yet a part of me longs for the sticky sweet taste of a Svenhard's Bear Claw while watching this.

Delicious.

8:08 - One mom tells Jamie that ever since her son started going to school, he won't eat his vegetables.  I'm sorry, how is this the school's problem?  Why do so few people blame the parents, when as Details Magazine stated, indulgent parents are raising a generation of douchebags.  Of course, when given choices, idiot children will always pick something sugar-coated.  This is why as parents, you give them NO CHOICES.  Kids can't feed themselves!  They just aren't smart enough, people!  There is a reason why parents of yesteryear demanded that their kids eat their vegetables before leaving the table.  Just because something is old school doesn't mean it's a negative, you New Agers.  Gawd.

8:09 - Jamie just grabbed a baby from a mother's arms.  "This is the future of America," he says.  He's in full campaign mode now.

8:13 - After a commercial, Jamie walks a full grown cow out into his kitchen.  It has chalk markings drawn onto its flanks to show the cuts of beef.  Oliver once slit the throat of a live lamb on a TV show in the U.K.  That's true, he did it to highlight inhumane slaughterhouse conditions.  Is he about to do the same thing to his cow!?!  Stay fucking tuned!

8:14 - Alas, no Jamie will not be slaughtering this cow.  It's a stunt cow, and apparently the only stunt it can perform is standing still while Jamie spraypaints dollar values over its flanks.  Booooring.

8:16 - Jamie introduces us to Pink Slime.  This isn't a Nickelodeon gimmick, but God I wish it were.  It's the unused trimmings of an animal, usually beef, that gets processed into a slime and sold as an additive to fast food restaurants for their burgers.  It's three cents per pound cheaper than regular ground beef, so profits aplenty.  Spoiler alert - Jamie says it's rampant with E.coli and salmonella, and that companies mix ammonia in with the trimmings to kill bacteria.  Mmm, ammonia.

The company in question that seems to have patented the ammonia beef is Beef Products, Inc. of South Dakota.  Only, it doesn't really work all that well.  I went to their website to get some more information, but the "Food Safety" section was under construction. 

No, I'm not kidding, the safety section doesn't exist!

Yikes.  In any event, BPI is in need of some serious re-branding and PR goodwill.  The name "Beef Products" just doesn't ring out and frankly it's cold, utilitarian and unfriendly.  A company with such a bad reputation needs to put a positive spin on things, like when BP added a flowery sunburst to its logo.  So here are some suggestions for a name change:

• Goody Goo!
• Hungry Pants Industries
• Fummy Brands (Fun and Yummy!)
• Pasture Patties
• Sunburst Foods
• Moo Mixin's

8:19 - Jamie's washing the spraypaint off of his stunt cow.  The cow looks so happy to be getting a bath.  Jamie says the reason the LAUSD doesn't want him in their kitchens is that they don't want him to see the "pink slime."  Forget the slime, I have to admit he's winning me over with his cute cow.

Look at this face.  Won't somebody think of the cows?  Or children, whatevs.

8:24 - Jamie goes to an LAUSD board meeting to address the members.  At the end of a three hour meeting, Jamie gets to plead his case for a measly three minutes.  Predictably, he gets the run-around from the LAUSD PR lackey... blah, blah, blah.  I'm way more interested in the wack job that speaks to the council before Jamie! 

The Sixth Seal!

Crazy Guy spends his three minutes ranting about the Seven Seals, and seems to spend a lot of time on the Sixth Seal.  This is interesting.  You don't hear much about the Sixth Seal, it's usually the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse getting all the pub.  The Sixth Seal refers to cosmic disturbances, earthquakes and the moon turning blood red, stuff like that.

Why this is of particular importance to the LAUSD is beyond me.  Perhaps this guy is NOT crazy and merely a concerned parent.  What are the LAUSD's plans for the apocalypse, should it occur on school time?  Will the kids get under their desks?  Will they know evacuation routes to the playground?  Will they have to stand in a single file line until the bell rings and they can safely go back to class?

8:27 - Crazy Guy hands Jamie a flier, and tells him to check his Blogspot.  Two things, ouch to Blogspot writers (ahem...), and how come ABC doesn't flash the URL in an on-screen graphic.  The guy could have important information!!!

8:32 - Back from commercial, and Jamie is meeting with a Greek guy named Dino who runs Patra's Drive-Thru, an independent fast food joint in LA.  First, Jamie drives through and orders one of everything on Patra's menu, just to show how truly disgusting it all is.  Chili cheese fries, cheeseburgers, onion rings.  The real disgusting part is the grease that is dripping onto the dash of Jamie's Land Rover.  As any drive-thru eater knows, you must keep a pack of Armor All Wipes in your car at all times.  Disgusting yes, impractical no.

8:33 - Jamie walks through the diner and exclaims "I love the retro look."  Um, I'm pretty sure the look of Patra's is the same as when Dino's father built the place in the 1970s.

8:36 - Dino doesn't know where his beef comes from and uses artificial flavoring in his milkshakes.  Dino agrees to let Jamie take a crack at health-ifying his menu, but Dino says if this fails he could lose his entire business.  Oh, what stakes!  Don't worry, I'm sure you'll be properly compensated by the producers, Dino my man. 

8:40 - After commercial, Jamie's back at Dino's place with an arsenal of wholesome burger patties.  They cook up one of Jamie's free range, grass fed, organic burgers and one of Dino's possibly-processed, ammonia-laced, salmonella-wiches.  A lucky customer gets to taste test the two, and hey... he loves the taste and juiciness of Jamie's burger!

But when told by Dino that the healthy burger costs $4.95 and Dino's burger costs only $2.69, the customer says he'd buy the cheaper, less healthy version.  And there you have the real crux of the issue.  In the age of Extreme Couponing, Americans only care about values and getting a deal.  It's why McDonald's posted a $24 BILLION profit last year.

We're also extremely lazy.  It's easier and cheaper to buy a McDouble off the Dollar Menu than it is to buy organic ground beef at Whole Foods for $7.99/pound, cook it up while your rugrats scream at you that they're staaaarrvvviiinnnggg, then get them to use a napkin to wipe the grease off their faces instead of their shirtsleeves.  I know, it's an old argument, but it's completely true.  Americans won't conquer the obesity problem because it's just as easy not to.

8:44 - Jamie tries to make a milkshake using yogurt instead of ice cream to reduce calories, but Dino isn't having it.  It's just not a classic American shake.  Jamie says the "classic American shake sticks to your ass" (good line) and that Dino's getting "fussy about the ingredients."  Dino's eyes light up with rage.  You never insult a Greek's manhood.  It's the whole reason Alexander the Great invaded Macedonia and didn't stop until he hit India!

But Jamie has a point, yogurt is dairy too.  What difference does it make if it tastes fine?

8:52 - Jamie goes to a hearing on flavored milk in schools.  It's as boring as it sounds.

8:53 - Jamie decided to do his own presentation on flavored milk.  Why does anyone drink milk anyway, it's disgusting.  You are drinking the breast milk of a cow.  And it looks horrible, tastes like watered down blandness, and makes your mucus thick and chewy.  It shouldn't even be served in schools.  Ugh.

Milk is always a bad choice.

8:55 - Anyway, Jamie's stunt in this act is to fill an entire school bus with the equivalent of a week's worth of the added sugar in school lunch milk - a whopping 57 tons worth.  Okay, I'm totally in agreement with Jamie on this one, kids don't NEED flavored milk, they just WANT it.

But how much did this stunt cost?  Only 15 people showed up to the demonstration.  And between the production crew, cost of 57 tons of sugar (around $45,000 as I calculated), school bus rental fee, Jamie Oliver's fee, cost of the crane to siphon the sugar, travel costs, craft services, cleaning fees... you are conservatively looking at $125,000.  That's like $8,000 per person!!!  But it's a helluva visual, I gotta say.

If they need a place to re-purpose all that used sugar, I know a place in South Dakota.

8:58 - It's the end of the show, and Jamie's feeling depressed.  It's going to be a tough slog and he feels like he's "treading water."  All in all, it turns out I like Jamie Oliver.  He seems genuine, although a bit of a media whore (but who isn't these days).  But here's the thing.  No one wants to be lectured in this country, even if they agree with you.  And worse, no one wants to be lectured by an "outsider" coming into their country.

Look, we fought tooth and nail to overthrow British rule, and there's a lot of people who don't take kindly to a Brit trying to come back and in a way, trying to impose rules all over again.  This is America, man.  We eat shitty food, drive shitty cars and watch shitty television.  But by God, we're proud to do it.

8:59 - A discouraged Jamie says he's retreating home to "give my little boys and girls a cuddle."  Don't give up hope yet.

A Moment of Ridiculous Silence.

I love ridiculous things, and nothing is more ridiculous than "Playland Not-At-The Beach" in El Cerrito, CA.  Its founder, Richard Tuck, passed away Tuesday from gall bladder cancer at the age of 63. 

Richard Tuck admires the original Laffing Sal.

If you've never been to Playland, it's an amazing place.  Pinball machines on free play, skeeball, a trippy 3D room painted in psychedelic colors, thousands of Dickens miniatures that have to be seen to be believed, and bring your own alcohol.  You can also rent out the whole place for company events or birthday parties.  And there are prizes! 

It's the kind of place where you forget you are an adult and just have fun.  I respect that.  No irony, no bullshit, no cynicism.  Just raffle tickets and good times.  RIP, Richard Tuck.

The 3D room at Playland.

Pretty Good Idea™ , vol. 2

People are all about branding these days.  People are also all about drinking.  When I was in college, people used to have "Thirsty Thursdays."  Now people also have something called "Sunday Funday," a name that is ridiculously stupid.   We can do better.

Now, I stupidly didn't drink in college, a choice I regret to this day (my priorities were out of whack back then).  So my gift to the drinking community is branding ideas for every single day of the week.  If you are a bar owner, alcohol distributor, or even a young kid looking for a reason to "party" then this is for you. 

Who's got two thumbs and loves King Cobra?  This guy!

Monday Night Raw Diet - Everyone hates Mondays, especially when football is out of season.  But you know what is never out of season?  WWE's Monday Night Raw!  It's a perfect accompaniment to drinking, because you have to be buzzed to ignore the fact that you are watching two sweaty, juiced up gargantuans grappling each other in their nether regions while wearing very little spandex.  The raw diet doesn't really let you drink, so I'll allow organic beer or spirits.  Close enough.

Tattoo Tuesdays - Combo night for bar owners and tattoo artists.  I'm assuming a large majority of tattoos happen when people are drunk.  Why not have the tattoo artists come into the bar so drunks don't have to walk around to find them?  I'm sure the tattoo artist would make a killing too.  Don't forget to tip your bartender and tattooist separately. 

Regrets, I've had a few.  But this isn't one of them.

Wanker Wednesdays - No, it's not what you think.  Or maybe it is, I don't know.  Derived from one of my favorite British words, this day everyone pretends to be British.  You must drink English beer or spirits and speak in your best cockney accent.  Don't break character, you wankers.

Touchy Feely Thursdays -This is the day to let loose and really tell people you love them.  Nothing breaks down your inhibitions like alcohol, and it makes it okay to tell your boy, "Man, I just want to say, I love you... no really, I love you man."  The best part is that if it gets weird, blame the alcohol.

Four Loko Fridays - It's the end of the work week, and it's time to get fucking messed up!!!  I know that the FDA cracked down on the caffeine content, but many enterprising entrepreneurs stocked up.  You can find it still on eBay.  You can also substitute red bull and vodka, I guess.  If you're a pansy!

Saturday Night Special - Carry a concealed beverage in a holster under your jacket.  Shotgun a beer.  Shoot empty beer bottles with a BB gun.  Whatever you do, make sure it's gun related.  The Second Amendment and the 21st Amendment both make America great.  Disclaimer: Safety first of course.  Or whatevs.

Sin-day - Sneak a flask into church.

Free Fake Names, Vol. 2

Last time I feel people got the wrong impression of these fake names.  They aren't just for writers!  Anyone can use them... illegal aliens, people going off the grid, even someone looking for a new lease on life.  Here are some more.

Barnes Norrison
Carlos Sweetwater
Rosie Sandusky
Hansel Harrington
William Waxley, Attorney at Law
Tucker Darious
Suzy Suzuki
Fincher Schwing
Keith Charboneau
Gary Wedge

This week in Commercial Creepazoids. 4/11/11

Terminator 3 was on Universal HD yesterday, a movie that's a wonderful allegory for mankind's dependence on machines ultimately being our complete undoing.  Or something like that, there was a lot of explosions that distracted me.  But it got me thinking about these IBM commercials that have been running non-stop during all sporting events the last few weeks.  In the one above, IBMers gloat over their supercomputer "Watson" winning Jeopardy.  

The general crux of the ad is that computers like Watson are going to revolutionize decision making for humans, because apparently we are sooooo bad at it.  We're talking heath care, government, stock markets.  Computers are going to help us idiot humans think more good.  Or is that really what IBM is after???  I thought so until this guy came on screen...

This creep.  He says "I thought the game was the end, I'm realizing it's just the beginning" in such a lecherously creepy tone... it makes you wonder if government decision making or the military industrial complex is really what's on his mind.  With his sly smile and desperate geeky ecstasy, I get the sense he's hoping Watson is just the next step towards a real life...

Start crunching the numbers IBM.  Let's make this happen.  Your Commercial Creepazoid of the Week. 

Would You Like to Swing on a Star?

When I was a kid, I had a friend in the neighborhood who was a bit of a jokester/pathological liar.  One of his legendary tall tales was that he traveled down to Los Angeles to be in the live studio audiences of several sitcoms.  When he returned (strangely, the same afternoon) he had the autographs of many stars of the day, including the voice of "ALF" and "Uncle Beano" from Out of this World.

Well, the news of a signature from Uncle Beano took the neighborhood by storm.  Or at least my house.  Ok, just me.  I was a big fan.  In the late 1980s, Out of this World was right up there as my favorite show, tied with Perfect Strangers (I once had a cat named Balki).

In case you weren't an avid watcher of Out of this World, I'll lay out the premise.  Basically an alien man named Troy visited Earth, hollered at a woman named Donna, knocked her up, then scooted off back to Antareus.  The offspring of this - what can only be assumed was an utterly revolting inter-species love affair - is a young girl named Evie.  The show picks up on Evie's thirteenth birthday in fictional Marlowe, California, right down the road from Carmel. 

Out of this World features probably the catchiest theme song in 1980s sitcom history.  And there were a hell of a lot of good themes during this period.  Think about it: The Facts of Life, Family Ties, Perfect Strangers.  OotW's channeled a doo-wop vibe (a theme which plays heavily in the pilot episode) and it really captures the show's quirky, wholesome, low-teen angst tone.  Who wouldn't want to "swing on a star" or "carry moonbeams home in a jar?"  It hearkens back to a simpler age, when no one had to worry about AIDS, nuclear apocalypse, or Communists and their damned wall.  Instead, you could gallivant around with an alien stud and have unprotected "visitor" sex with no recourse.  Until the baby comes, then Troy's on the first shuttle back to Antareus under the guise of "continuing his research." 

For a bastard half-creature child, Evie is charmingly well-adjusted.  Maureen Flannigan played Evie with honest, sincere affectations.  As child actors go, she was entirely un-annoying, no small feat in an era of Michelle Tanner and Jonathan Bower.  On Evie's thirteenth birthday, she suddenly feels a strange urge to put the tips of her index fingers together, which stops time and introduces the series' deus ex machina... Evie's powers.  

In every season, Evie gained a new power.  She started with stopping time then moved on to teleportation, enchanting animals and gleeping.  Gleeping is the ability to create simple items out of thin air.  I urge you not to look up this word on the Urban Dictionary.  Suffice it to say, the meaning has changed a bit.

As a kid, the power to stop time was up there with invisibility as one of the most awesome powers to have.  What young boy wouldn't want to stop time and sneak into his hot neighbor's shower for a glance?  What?  Only me?  Fine, use it for something practical and not creepy, whatever.  How about just having a little more time to sleep or do your homework?  In terms of sitcom production, this was before the age of green screen, so when Evie stopped time all of the extras in the scene would have to hold their poses.  If you watch closely in most frozen scenes where Evie walks around, the extras are often breathing, blinking, and shaking.

Evie stops time.

Needless to say, Evie's powers always had a way of causing more problems than they were worth.  I guess you can chalk it up to puberty, hormones raging and all that.  The supporting cast provided nice comic relief and foils for Evie's pubescence powers gone awry.  There was Mayor Kyle Applegate, a kind of pre-Phil Hartman Troy McClure character, desperate to remind people he was once a big star.  In later seasons there was the delightfully weird (or uncomfortably weird, depending on your point of view) Buzz Belmondo.  And of course, my favorite, Uncle Beano, a man who exists in this series solely to be the expense of fat jokes.  Get this... Uncle Beano runs his own diet clinic and is also morbidly obese!  Throughout the series, the writers play up the laughs by having Beano try every wacked-out diet known to man.  In the pilot, he's on a "B" diet.  He can only eat foods that begin with the letter "B."  But they have chocolate cake for Evie's birthday!  "Close enough," says Beano.

Alien absentee father Troy also makes appearances in the form of a glowing cube.  Voiced by Burt Reynolds (that's not a joke), Troy dispenses advice, guidance and occasionally acts as an alarm clock to Evie.  Jeez, 7 million miles away and he still has to nag Evie to get out of bed.  Teenagers.

While not the best known 1980s sitcom, Out of this World had its moments.  Of course, if something like this were made today, it'd be on the WB Network and feature brooding and angsty aliens, werewolves or vampires.  And they'd all be hairless dudes with six packs and expertly styled mop-tops.  It's refreshing to see an innocent girl trying to make sense of her newfound powers.  A coming of age story with gleeping.