-----
Gather around children, come closer Maxwell, I don’t have the voice I once did. No, no that’s too close you are on my robe. That’s better. Now, where was I? Ah yes, the TRUE story of Valentine’s Day. You see, long before St. Patrick and St. Valentine were saints, they were in fact brothers. Yes, but while Patrick was off in the foothills of Ireland sneaking nips of whiskey and caning snakes, Valentine was in love. The kind of love that twists up your guts, scrambles your brain and generally sends you into a complete state of foolishness. Now you can see why the Church doesn’t want you to know the real story. It’s far too violent , far too romantic and far too real. This is the true story of how Valentine got his own day.
In the province of Tuscany, circa… oh, say about the 1500s… Valentine was dating the hottest, smartest girl, a girl named Liza. And that made a defrocked Vatican Cardinal in town very jealous. Banned from the Church because of his tendency to summon demons to do his bidding, the vile Cardinal summoned up some demons from the depths of Hell to steal away Liza. For you see, if he couldn’t have her, then no one could. The demons stashed Liza away in a tall tower in the city of Pisa. It was an impenetrable fortress, fortified with black magic and quick dry concrete. At the time, that was the hardest, most impenetrable substance known to man… except for the power of love.
And the power of love is what Valentine had on his side. On February 14, he recruited his roommate, a balding, cherubic man named Cupid to go on a raid the likes of which would surely put him in a class of hero along with Odysseus and Luke Skywalker. Cupid was a hell of a shot with a bow and arrow, and Valentine had an innate ability to throw sharpened metal objects at targets. Today you might know them as ninja throwing stars, but back then they were much different. Working in his shop, Valentine fashioned an easy to throw “heart-shaped” blade. Today this heart shape has become the unlikely symbol of love, but really Valentine did it because it was far easier to throw.
Valentine and Cupid gathered up their deadly wares and set forth to the town of Pisa, all the while Valentine regaling him with stories how lovely Liza was until Cupid stuffed some cotton in his ears and began to mentally steel himself to a knock down, drag out battle. Finally, the dynamic duo came upon the tower, nearly eight stories high and teeming with winged, demonic creatures just dying to rip their throats out. But the men were undeterred. Storming the entrance, Valentine and Cupid cleared every room on their way to the top with the skilled ferocity of what would later be known as a Seal Team 6. Cupid was firing off arrow after arrow with relentless and brutal efficiency. Valentine was whipping enchanted heart-shaped throwing blades dead solid perfect every time. And the demons were dying left and right and every which way. Finally, the boys came to the last room in the tower, where the Cardinal and Liza were locked away. Valentine kicked in the door.
“Stay back or the girl gets it!” the Cardinal screamed. He had a dagger pressed against Liza’s throat.
“Pull up a few extra seats Cupid, looks like this just became a double date,” Valentine said.
And with that he dispatched the Cardinal with a well-placed throwing heart to the chest. The Cardinal fell to the floor clutching his chest, and Cupid walked over and double tapped two arrows into the Cardinal’s head.
“Oh Valentine, I love you,” swooned Liza.
But the work wasn’t over, for the black magic that ensnared the tower sent shockwaves out from the Cardinal’s dead body.
“We gotta get outta here!” screamed Cupid, who ran flailing his stubby, cherubic arms.
And with that, the threesome ran like hell as the stairways shifted and crumbled behind them. They made it outside, where the Pope himself stood before them. Valentine glanced back and saw that the Tower of Pisa was now leaning decidedly, but was other wise intact.
The Pope looked quite regal in his stately hat. Before anyone could speak, he raised a hand.
“Valentine, you have done a great service to us in defeating the evil Cardinal. That had been on my to-do list for awhile now, just never got around to it. Anywho, in appreciation of that, I’d like to make you a Saint, just like your big brother. What do ya say?”
Valentine thought long and hard, and finally accepted. After all, who wouldn’t want to be immortalized forever? But the Pope wouldn’t let Valentine get away with it that easy.
“To be a Saint, you must choose something in which to stand for. So what say ye, St. Valentine? What will you be the saint of exactly?”
Valentine was befuddled. After all, he had simply wanted to save his fair maiden. But Liza knew right away.
“Dear Pope, dearest Valentine. Does it not make most perfect sense that Valentine become the patron saint of love?”
Valentine mulled it over. Of course, he knew she was right. And even if she wasn’t, better not to rock the apple cart. And henceforth it was known that February 14th would be known as Valentine’s Day, a day when lovers would shower each other with affection.
Valentine and Liza embraced and walked off to a waiting carriage the Pope had arranged. Cupid just stood there, balding and realizing that his best friend wouldn’t be around much any more. For you see, Valentine and Liza would be married, and there would be many housewares to buy.
“Well this sucks,” cried Cupid. “What’s going to happen to me?”
The Pope smiled. “Ah Cupid, do not fret. I have big plans for you.”
And so ends the true tale of Valentine’s Day. Of course, given the dark arts, rampant violence and threatening sexual innuendo of this story, it’s no wonder the Church hid it away. So enjoy your candies kiddies and think not of magic nor swords nor beautiful women. For Valentine’s Day is all about greeting cards and other stuff you’ll find out about when you are older…
----
At this point the tape cuts off with a muffled thump. But by then the damage was done.
