THE BACHELOR 2013 SPOILERS!!!

Well if that title doesn’t get some page views, I don’t know what will. 

In life I’m like a golden retriever.  I'm loyal, patient and enjoy a good back rub.  Other times, like a golden watching his owner wave a tennis ball in the air, I will get riled up real good, leaping and spinning in place with fervent energy.  The point, you see, is that for me... The Bachelor is my tennis ball.

In case you don’t know, The Bachelor is a show on ABC in which 26 actress/model/leasing consultants compete for the affections of a single, hard-bodied doofus.  This year’s Bachelor is a guy named Sean Lowe, a man so devoid of real personality that he makes Taylor Lautner look like a silver-tongued cult leader.  Sean is a nice guy, very vanilla, and obviously a non-threatening choice to appeal to the wide audience ABC is trying to capture.  The extent of his dialogue with the women so far has been along the lines of “so what type of man are you looking for” or “I really feel I’m getting close to you.”  Also, great pains are taken to begin each episode with shots of Sean shirtless.

Mr. Personality

The producers this season seem desperate to play Sean up as a sort of whimsical trickster, which unfortunately has the side-effect of coming across as extremely creepy.  On one date he took a girl to an art gallery and left her alone in a room with an extremely expensive sculpture.  It was rigged to fall and shatter to pieces.  Of course when it did the artist believed the woman the culprit and proceeded to blame her for the accident.  The woman, mortified, practically broke down in tears.  But oh haha, just joking, everyone in the art gallery was an actor.  Sean just wanted to see how this woman would “handle” a situation like that because he just loves to have fun.  This was THE FIRST date they had ever been on.  In real life, this gets you kicked in the crotch.  Trust me, I SHOULD KNOW.

But I digress.  I haven’t been paying enough attention to all of the single women on this show but there are some that stand out.

Tierra – This "princess" is playing the role of the bad girl.  And by bad girl I mean she is a flat out sociopath.  In one episode, she flung herself down a flight of stairs to get Sean’s attention and sympathy.  Hey, it worked so I guess she knows how to play the game.  There are rumors that producers behind the scenes get their pick of women to keep throughout the season, and instruct the Bachelor to give these women roses to keep the show interesting.  Tierra is a prime candidate for this. 

Amanda – Sociopath #2.  She’s a fitness model with an emphasis more on fitness than a model.  (She's not that attractive is what I'm saying).

Leslie – She’s says she’s a poker dealer.  She was also a contestant on Fox’s Take Me Out, looking for love there.  So Leslie’s really making the rounds in the reality show romance world.  Forgive me if I don’t think you’re here for true love.

Lesley – She’s the blonde one who broke the Guinness World Record for longest kiss with Sean.

Daniella – She’s the blonde that’s quiet.

Sarah – She’s the blonde one with one arm. 

AshLee – We like her, she’s more mature and was adopted at six years old.  She actually seems to have her head on straight, which all but guarantees she won’t make it to the Final Four.

Kacie – A former contestant on a previous Bachelor season, rejected by Sean in an episode two weeks ago, and now the no-brainer front runner to be chosen as the next Bachelorette.  I think the producers threw her into the mix here to keep her in our memories.  She’s now been jilted twice so she’ll have a good backstory. 

The most recent episode featured Selma, whom Sean took out to the middle of nowhere for a 1 on 1 date.  Actually, he took her to Joshua Tree National Park to do some rock climbing.  They flew there in a private jet as Selma asked Sean on numerous occasions during the trip if this is how they will always be traveling.  Oh Selma.  Wait until she does end up marrying this insurance salesman and their date nights are at the various Chili’s of the greater Dallas/Ft. Worth area.  Selma then proceeds to complain about how hot it is in the desert.

So the two do some rock climbing, and this scene is either a masterful piece of editing or Selma is an expert climber.  In about two minutes flat, the duo scale a sheer rock face and enjoy the sunset.  Then it’s on to dinner at trailer park and cuddle time on two pushed-together chaise loungers.  This is when the most awkward exchange in the entire show occurs.  Here is a transcript (from memory):

Selma: (Explains how she was brought up in a conservative Muslim family and how this has shaped her world view, etc., etc.)

Sean: So you grew up pretty conservative then?

Selma: Yes

Sean: I really want to kiss you.

Selma: I can’t do that… on account of what I just said about growing up conservative.

Sean: Oh… (blank stare)  So you grew up conservative then, what was that like?

Selma:  Well, like I said, it made me who I am.

Sean: (leans in, whispers)  I really want to kiss you.

Selma: I know, I can’t yet.

Sean: (long confused look).  Ok.  I do really wish I could kiss you.

So to recap, Selma is an Iraqi who hates the heat and who was raised so conservative that she won’t even kiss a guy before monogamy.  However, she will parade around on a reality show with her breasts hanging out of her tight fitting tank while wearing a massive amount of lip gloss.  Just NO KISSING.

Later in the show, Sean takes a bunch of the girls out to a Roller Derby thing and Amanda ends up taking one on the chin, literally.  Amanda (Sociopath#2) lies to everyone about how she’s done roller derby before in an attempt at intimidating the other girls.  And she does appear to be a very good roller skater, but not before falling down and whacking her chin on the pavement.  A production assistant ends up driving her to the hospital, which makes it two weeks in a row that a semi-serious medical emergency has happened, so that’s cool.  Then one-armed Sarah has a meltdown because she can’t skate and our favorite AshLee does a far better job than Sean at comforting her. 

Later at the group date dinner, injured Amanda is nowhere to be found, probably nursing her gaping chin wound.  In the end, Sean ends up not giving her a rose.  To be honest, I didn’t watch the last 45 minutes of the show because much like Amanda’s chin… the damage had been done.