This week in Commercial Creepazoids. 5/3/11

There's an old assertion that pet owners look and act like their pets.  A lanky person would be drawn to a hound.  A musclebound person would be drawn to a bulldog.  A person who likes to give directions would get a border collie. 

Kenny Rogers and his dog Gary.

The same might be said for couples.  If you date/marry/live with someone long enough, you start to take on their facial expressions, dress, and personality.  But if this new McDonald's commercial is any indication, sometimes people that look exactly the same find each other.

And by look the same, I mean to say they both look like CREEPS.  Sorry for the terrible video quality, but apparently this is the ONLY video of this commercial on the entire Internet.  Maybe even McDonald's is embarrassed by it.  Usually, finding a commercial is no problem.  Companies are desperate to post things to their corporate YouTube page so they can say they embrace social media.  Not this time.

The premise of this commercial is that the creepy woman has all sorts of pet names for his creepy lover.  Names like "Mr. Snuggles" and "Puggle-Wuggle." Alas, the bushy-haired creep can't for the life of him think of some ridiculous name to call the woman in order to prove his unyielding love.  No, the fact that he probably paid for a delicious McDonald's lunch is not proof enough of his passion.  But lo!  The answer to his prayers are sitting right there in front of him... a muse in the form of a large-sized, 280 calorie, 69 grams of sugar-infused McDonald's Sweet Tea. "I love you too Sweet Tea... Pie!"  WHO WRITES THIS.

In my research for this piece, my Google results came up with the Yahoo Answers! query "How does McDonald's make its Sweet Tea so good?"  I didn't look at the answer because I already know.  It starts with fresh pekoe cut black tea, then simply sweetened to taste!  And by sweetened to taste, I mean they add 17 sugar packets to it, then mix it all up.

But to the specifics of this commercial.  Both of these bug-eyed, chubby cheeked jabronis are just plain creepy.  Especially the woman with the Prince Valiant haircut.  It wasn't a good look in the Middle Ages, and it's not a good look today. 

The Knights of the Round Table cut their own hair.

Don't look directly into her eyes.

Is the ad agency going for cute here?  It's not cute, it's annoying.  It's repulsive.  There is nothing worse than being cooed at by a bug faced person with chipmunk cheeks, that goes for man or woman.  You know what's cute?  Golden Retriever puppies.  A better commercial would have been a couple having a picnic in a sunny park somewhere while playing with their golden retriever puppy.  Then, suddenly, the puppy takes a sip of the guy's Sweet Tea!  Then the woman has an epiphany, "we'll name her Sweetie Pie!"

I'm not saying it's perfect, but a commercial without creeps and with puppies is better than none at all. 

This week in Commercial Creepazoids. 4/4/11

This creep.  You may know him from the TMobile ad that completely rips off the Mac/PC ads with John Hodgman and Justin Long.  He's the guy that gets swindled by the big cell phone company, losing his shirt, when he could have been with the hot girl with the weird mouth.  He coulda been with TMobile and bagging babes in polka dot dresses!!!  But even if he was with TMobile, he might not be able to pull a hawt babe because he looks like a freakin' CREEP.





The guy's name is Andrew J. West, an actor I understand is on ABC Family's Greeks.  He also does not have blond hair, which means that someone at an ad agency thought it would be a good idea to allow a freakish dye job for this ad.  Actually, the hair doesn't even look real.  I supposed it could be a hairpiece.  The whole thing, along with his delicate features, makes him look downright elfish. 

But the real creepy thing about this guy is the... okay, this is weird but it needs to be discussed.  It's his pale, somewhat doughy, completely hairless body - except for a wispy snail trail under his navel.  And the carpet does not match the drapes.  Oh come on... look, it had to be said.  Don't judge me, in the age of 52-inch LED HD televisions, everything is noticeable.  Just ask Geno Auriemma's cold sore, John Madden's ear hair, or Steven Tyler.

I don't blame Andrew J. West, he's probably a fine actor and an even nicer guy.  If I were appearing shirtless in a national commercial, I might grab some Nair too (I'd probably tan first, being Irish is both a blessing and a curse).  But, it just makes me wonder who is overseeing these commercials.  Someone let him go on camera like this and didn't think it to be weird?  Your Commercial Creepazoid of the week.

Andrew J. West, navel-gazing.

This week in Commercial Creepazoids.

For a product that has serious store shelf presence (it's in Target for crying out loud)... Five Hour Energy has some seriously low-budget, community access-esque commercials. From the flat lighting to the lame graphics, these probably set the company back a few hundred dollars. But one thing Five Hour Energy excels at is casting. And by excel, I mean excelling at casting some freaking weirdos. Check the screengrab below.



OK, so this is quite a multicultural casting portrait for which Five Hour should be applauded. And the actors seem to do their job well. "OK guys, you're in a long line, waiting for your coffee, you're angry, you're frustrated, you're bored, you just want a no-crash buzz and goddamn it if you want it now... and ACTION." Then this...

I can't even explain how creepy this coffee-line lurker is until you see the commercial in its entirety. Go ahead, watch it, and then come back.



HE. JUST. STARES. Right at the camera. There's no blinking, no moving. Was he even supposed to be in the shoot? Did they realize they needed an overweight white guy to round out the diversity, and they asked the key grip? Having worked in TV for a brief period, I know how these casting cattle calls work. This guy might go to audition after audition, just praying for the chance to get onscreen time. Then when the chance comes, he FREEZES like the proverbial deer in the headlights. Your Commercial Creepazoid of the Week.