This week in Commercial Creepazoids. 5/3/11

There's an old assertion that pet owners look and act like their pets.  A lanky person would be drawn to a hound.  A musclebound person would be drawn to a bulldog.  A person who likes to give directions would get a border collie. 

Kenny Rogers and his dog Gary.

The same might be said for couples.  If you date/marry/live with someone long enough, you start to take on their facial expressions, dress, and personality.  But if this new McDonald's commercial is any indication, sometimes people that look exactly the same find each other.

And by look the same, I mean to say they both look like CREEPS.  Sorry for the terrible video quality, but apparently this is the ONLY video of this commercial on the entire Internet.  Maybe even McDonald's is embarrassed by it.  Usually, finding a commercial is no problem.  Companies are desperate to post things to their corporate YouTube page so they can say they embrace social media.  Not this time.

The premise of this commercial is that the creepy woman has all sorts of pet names for his creepy lover.  Names like "Mr. Snuggles" and "Puggle-Wuggle." Alas, the bushy-haired creep can't for the life of him think of some ridiculous name to call the woman in order to prove his unyielding love.  No, the fact that he probably paid for a delicious McDonald's lunch is not proof enough of his passion.  But lo!  The answer to his prayers are sitting right there in front of him... a muse in the form of a large-sized, 280 calorie, 69 grams of sugar-infused McDonald's Sweet Tea. "I love you too Sweet Tea... Pie!"  WHO WRITES THIS.

In my research for this piece, my Google results came up with the Yahoo Answers! query "How does McDonald's make its Sweet Tea so good?"  I didn't look at the answer because I already know.  It starts with fresh pekoe cut black tea, then simply sweetened to taste!  And by sweetened to taste, I mean they add 17 sugar packets to it, then mix it all up.

But to the specifics of this commercial.  Both of these bug-eyed, chubby cheeked jabronis are just plain creepy.  Especially the woman with the Prince Valiant haircut.  It wasn't a good look in the Middle Ages, and it's not a good look today. 

The Knights of the Round Table cut their own hair.

Don't look directly into her eyes.

Is the ad agency going for cute here?  It's not cute, it's annoying.  It's repulsive.  There is nothing worse than being cooed at by a bug faced person with chipmunk cheeks, that goes for man or woman.  You know what's cute?  Golden Retriever puppies.  A better commercial would have been a couple having a picnic in a sunny park somewhere while playing with their golden retriever puppy.  Then, suddenly, the puppy takes a sip of the guy's Sweet Tea!  Then the woman has an epiphany, "we'll name her Sweetie Pie!"

I'm not saying it's perfect, but a commercial without creeps and with puppies is better than none at all. 

Would You Like to Swing on a Star?

When I was a kid, I had a friend in the neighborhood who was a bit of a jokester/pathological liar.  One of his legendary tall tales was that he traveled down to Los Angeles to be in the live studio audiences of several sitcoms.  When he returned (strangely, the same afternoon) he had the autographs of many stars of the day, including the voice of "ALF" and "Uncle Beano" from Out of this World.

Well, the news of a signature from Uncle Beano took the neighborhood by storm.  Or at least my house.  Ok, just me.  I was a big fan.  In the late 1980s, Out of this World was right up there as my favorite show, tied with Perfect Strangers (I once had a cat named Balki).

In case you weren't an avid watcher of Out of this World, I'll lay out the premise.  Basically an alien man named Troy visited Earth, hollered at a woman named Donna, knocked her up, then scooted off back to Antareus.  The offspring of this - what can only be assumed was an utterly revolting inter-species love affair - is a young girl named Evie.  The show picks up on Evie's thirteenth birthday in fictional Marlowe, California, right down the road from Carmel. 

Out of this World features probably the catchiest theme song in 1980s sitcom history.  And there were a hell of a lot of good themes during this period.  Think about it: The Facts of Life, Family Ties, Perfect Strangers.  OotW's channeled a doo-wop vibe (a theme which plays heavily in the pilot episode) and it really captures the show's quirky, wholesome, low-teen angst tone.  Who wouldn't want to "swing on a star" or "carry moonbeams home in a jar?"  It hearkens back to a simpler age, when no one had to worry about AIDS, nuclear apocalypse, or Communists and their damned wall.  Instead, you could gallivant around with an alien stud and have unprotected "visitor" sex with no recourse.  Until the baby comes, then Troy's on the first shuttle back to Antareus under the guise of "continuing his research." 

For a bastard half-creature child, Evie is charmingly well-adjusted.  Maureen Flannigan played Evie with honest, sincere affectations.  As child actors go, she was entirely un-annoying, no small feat in an era of Michelle Tanner and Jonathan Bower.  On Evie's thirteenth birthday, she suddenly feels a strange urge to put the tips of her index fingers together, which stops time and introduces the series' deus ex machina... Evie's powers.  

In every season, Evie gained a new power.  She started with stopping time then moved on to teleportation, enchanting animals and gleeping.  Gleeping is the ability to create simple items out of thin air.  I urge you not to look up this word on the Urban Dictionary.  Suffice it to say, the meaning has changed a bit.

As a kid, the power to stop time was up there with invisibility as one of the most awesome powers to have.  What young boy wouldn't want to stop time and sneak into his hot neighbor's shower for a glance?  What?  Only me?  Fine, use it for something practical and not creepy, whatever.  How about just having a little more time to sleep or do your homework?  In terms of sitcom production, this was before the age of green screen, so when Evie stopped time all of the extras in the scene would have to hold their poses.  If you watch closely in most frozen scenes where Evie walks around, the extras are often breathing, blinking, and shaking.

Evie stops time.

Needless to say, Evie's powers always had a way of causing more problems than they were worth.  I guess you can chalk it up to puberty, hormones raging and all that.  The supporting cast provided nice comic relief and foils for Evie's pubescence powers gone awry.  There was Mayor Kyle Applegate, a kind of pre-Phil Hartman Troy McClure character, desperate to remind people he was once a big star.  In later seasons there was the delightfully weird (or uncomfortably weird, depending on your point of view) Buzz Belmondo.  And of course, my favorite, Uncle Beano, a man who exists in this series solely to be the expense of fat jokes.  Get this... Uncle Beano runs his own diet clinic and is also morbidly obese!  Throughout the series, the writers play up the laughs by having Beano try every wacked-out diet known to man.  In the pilot, he's on a "B" diet.  He can only eat foods that begin with the letter "B."  But they have chocolate cake for Evie's birthday!  "Close enough," says Beano.

Alien absentee father Troy also makes appearances in the form of a glowing cube.  Voiced by Burt Reynolds (that's not a joke), Troy dispenses advice, guidance and occasionally acts as an alarm clock to Evie.  Jeez, 7 million miles away and he still has to nag Evie to get out of bed.  Teenagers.

While not the best known 1980s sitcom, Out of this World had its moments.  Of course, if something like this were made today, it'd be on the WB Network and feature brooding and angsty aliens, werewolves or vampires.  And they'd all be hairless dudes with six packs and expertly styled mop-tops.  It's refreshing to see an innocent girl trying to make sense of her newfound powers.  A coming of age story with gleeping.