Running Diary: Teen Moms 2 Season Finale

I love MTV, and I will fight to the death to praise its self-aggrandizing, narcissistic, overwrought programming.  I love its shows, I love its ridiculous commercials for movies like Soul Surfer, I even love that they never play music.  Are you not entertained?!?  A few nights ago MTV aired the epic Teen Moms 2 finale.  With apologies to ESPN's Bill Simmons, here is my running diary.

10:00 - They are recapping the season thus far.  Some very gripping moments. We see Leah and Corey's twins Ali and Aleeah.  We still haven't found out what's wrong with Ali's eyes and legs.   This is the couple that seems to have made it.  So far.

We see the spoiled Chelsea, her near-deadbeat dad ex-boyfriend Adam, and their baby girl Aubree.  In the recap, Adam tells Chelsea that "Aubree's not just yours, she's ours!"  Um, Adam, you may have knocked her up but your responsibilities don't end at Chelsea's vagina.  Adam says he has cheated on Chelsea five times so far.

Then it's on to Kailyn and Jo and their rage-fueled relationship and battle for son Isaac.  This is the one couple we know will never get back together.  Jo is fuckin' clownshoes, a wannabe thug living with his parents in their two story brick ranch house, featuring marble countertops and a guest bedroom.

And then there's Janelle.  The true star of the show, a complete train wreck in all facets of her life.  "Previously on" shows her having racked up hundreds of dollars on a stolen credit card, smoking weed in the front yard, and lashing out violently at her equally disturbed mother.  She's dating a guy named Kieffer Delp.  One can only guess where this episode will take us.

10:03 - Leah heads to the nail shop to get ready for her upcoming wedding to Corey.  I like these two kids, they seem stable.  At the risk of sounding like a family values conservative, I think have their own equally stable family units have helped them.  Corey's dad is a real good father, and Corey is without question the best teen dad on the show.  Once he resigned himself to the fact that he was a father he manned up 100% and owned up to his responsibilities.  Respect.

10:05 - Leah's friend Victoria says "I like this wedding, it's making me even prettier." A little spray tan, a little nail polish and you're ready for Miss Teen West Virginia.

10:06 - Another of Leah's friends tells her when she's at the altar, "your hands will be dripping with sweat."  This girl is nearly ecstatic at the possibility of Leah's sweaty, dripping, clammy hands.  Kind of creepy.

10:07 - Yet another friend tells Leah that marriage is "Til death do us part."  Leah gives a sort of unsettled look.  Hmm.  I'm not placing bets on the long term success of this marriage quite yet.

10:09 - Chelsea and daughter Aubrey are both sick.  Luckily Chelsea's mom is there to take care of them both.  Mom tends to Aubrey while Chelsea picks up her phone and begins to text.  Her voice over tells us "While Aubrey naps, I'm going home and have my dad bring me sushi."  And there you have Chelsea in a nutshell.

10:11 - Chelsea's dad Randy brings her sushi.  They live in Nebraska, how fresh is this fish? Chelsea informs us her ex Adam's car has been in the driveway for three weeks.  Randy ticks off Adam's "accomplishments" - doesn't pay child support, won't come to Aubrey's birthday party, left a truck engine in her garage.  Randy wants to get the car towed.  That's not going to make motorhead Adam happy.

10:12 - A moment of civility between Kailyn and Jo when she comes to pick up her son Isaac.  Calm before the storm.  They've agreed that Kailyn will get Isaac Mondays through Fridays, and Jo will take the boy from Friday morning to Sunday morning. 

10:13 - Kailyn's mom tells her "you know I'm here for you."  This was the same woman who basically told her in a previous episode "I can't help you, I've got my own problems."  Make nice for the cameras.

10:14 - Jenelle makes her first appearance and it's a doozy.  She ditches her son Jace to go hang out with Kieffer at his friend Mike's house.  Only problem?  Mike ain't home and told Kieffer not to stay at the house while he's gone.  Cue the visual of Jenelle and Kieffer's mugshot.  She's arrested for breaking and entering and possession of marijuana.  Nice.

10:15 - Jenelle's mom doesn't seem that surprised when Jenelle calls from prison asking to be bailed out.  Barbara gives Jenelle what seems to be about the 10th ultimatum to stop fucking around with Kieffer and take care of her baby or she'll be thrown out of the house.  I'm sure this is probably the time when Jenelle finally gets the message.  Surely jail must be the eye-opening experience she needed to set her life on the straight and narrow?

Side note: Barbara is no peach herself.  Her high pitched crow's shriek of a voice would send anyone over the edge.  She also goes from calm to bitchy in a split second.  Granted, if I had a daughter like Jenelle I might be the same way.

10:18 - We're back from commercial and Jenelle gets picked up by her friend Amber, who asks "What the fuck were you thinking dude?"  America wants to know.  Jenelle says it was scary in jail, "there weren't like teenagers in there like me, there was like older women."  A glimpse at your future baby.

10:20 - BOMBSHELL.  Jenelle tells us that Kieffer was arrested at his friend's house down the street snorting cocaine.  Amber asks, "Is this a wake-up call for you?"  Janelle says, "That was like a crazy experience."  A resounding yes if I've ever heard one.

10:22 - On a happier note, Chelsea is at the party store shopping for Aubrey's 1st birthday.  She wants a leopard print motif.  Leopard print and pink.  Is this a party for the kid or yourself?  Right before the commercial break, we see a tow truck haul off Adam's Chevy Blazer from Chelsea's driveway.  I can't see if there is a sticker in the back window of Calvin urinating on a Ford.

10:25 - After the commercial break, we open to Kailyn's son Isaac eating dog food on the floor.  I used to eat our cat's food out of the dish when I was a kid because the kibbles looked like Cheerios.  Moral of the story, babies are dumb and will put anything in their ravenous little mouths.

10:27 - Leah and Corey go through a wedding rehearsal at their church.  The real wedding will take place at something called "Coonskin Park." Corey will also be wearing a camouflage vest with his tuxedo.  That's not a joke.

10:34 - Finally we get to Aubree's first birthday party.  Chelsea's mom Mary is making a strong appearance in this episode.  This is the first time I've even seen Mary, and she has a nose stud.  That's not a good look for a dumpy, middle-aged suburban housewife.  A nose stud and a Mary Tyler Moore hair cut.

10:36 - Kieffer calls Jenelle from jail, begging her to bail him out.  She says no.  Could she be staying strong?  "I love you," says Kieffer.  Oooh, he dropped the L-bomb on her.  Jenelle doesn't agree to anything, but her face cracks a bit.  Kieffer is a real manipulative snoogemeister, he is pushing whatever emotional buttons Jenelle has.

10:38 - Jenelle comes home to face Barbara, who asks the recently bailed out teen if this is an awakening for her.  "Uh yeah no shit, Mom."  Barbara says "Please let there be no more jail time."  Jenelle rolls her eyes and says "all right, Mom... Gaawwd" as if she's being lectured for turning her homework in late or being told to take out the trash. 

10:43 - Chelsea is getting ready for Aubree's birthday, she's dressed in a leopard print shirt and her friends look as if they are dressed up for an 80s themed party.  Aubree wears a leopard print beret.  She's also eating wrapping paper.

10:45 - We find out Jenelle has spent $790 on her mom's credit card, which she had stolen.  Now she's trying to "make things right" with her mom and working with Discovery card to get on a payment plan.  So if she wasn't spending money on her son Jace, what was she spending it on?  A shitload of Silly Bandz?

10:46 - Jenelle and Barbara have a heart to heart about the credit cards and lying.  Barbara is really worked up, tears streaming down her face.  Jenelle has a near-blank, almost bored, expression on her face.  "I hope we can make progress," she says as she picks her nails.  Oh boy.

Barbara says, "I don't think you do love me."  Jenelle is a blank slate.  Is she a sociopath?  Does she have any emotions whatsoever, other than selfishness and rage?  How can you watch your mother crying and not be emotionally moved in some way.  Jenelle offers her mother a tepid hug.  Yikes.

10:55 - Obligatory courtroom hallway shot and sad music playing as Jo waits on a court bench for his custody hearing.  If the producers are trying to build sympathy for Jo that's a tough road to hoe.  Throughout the season Jo has been nothing but a douchebag, belittling Kailyn at every opportunity.  They are going into mediation now.  This should be interesting.

11:00 - Kieffer calls again, desperate to be bailed out of jail.  There's a little bit of chicken and the egg thing going on here.  Jenelle wants Kieffer to change before she bails him out.  But Kieffer, ever the sly negotiator, tells her "I got to be out to change.  I love you." 

Jenelle talks to Barbara's boyfriend Mike.  She tells Mike she wants to bail Kieffer out, to which Mike asks the question we all are wondering, "Why the hell would you want to do that?"  Then, a deep moment of reflection from Jenelle, who looks off to the sky with wistful rumination and says "When you have a best friend, a boy friend, that since day one of your relationship, and you've been in a relationship for FIVE MONTHS straight, it's like one day someone just takes away your best friend."

Well let's be fair, it wasn't just "someone" that took him away, it was the police.  Who arrested him for breaking and entering and doing coke.

"I still love Kieffer," says Jenelle.

"What about Jace," Mike asks.

"Yeah I love Jace too.  What about him?"  Yep.

*****

Stay tuned for PART TWO coming tomorrow.  The explosive ending to Kailyn and Jo's custody hearing, Corey and Leah's wedding, and the triumphant return of Kieffer Delp.

Fan Fiction: Dancing With the Stars

That bitch, Karina.  I'm backstage now, fuming.  How could she do that to me.  That asshole Tom Bergeron sticks a mic right under her pointy Ukrainian nose and asks, "What was off with the tempo tonight?"  And she says, "We could have worked harder in rehearsal."  No, fuck that.  No one works harder than us, harder than me.  I'm Ralph Macchio.  Macho Man.  I learned karate in three months, trained round the clock.  I was too good.  Toned it down.  Avildsen said I didn't look like a bullied kid that ran crying home to his mother. 

I look in the mirror, still sweating from the routine.  The jive.  We nearly mastered it in rehearsals.  Something was off tonight though.  It showed in the scores.  Bruno noticed it right away, the staccato rhythm of our rock steps too wooden, not fluid enough.  But don't fucking throw me under the bus. We may have been wooden out there, but we did not fail to prepare.  I gritted my teeth and smiled through the insipid questioning.

A knock on the door now, then a creak.  "Ralph."  Her high-pitched, accented voice drawing the A in my name to grandiose lengths.  In the mirror, I see her taut, lithe arm reach for my shoulder.  "I just want to aaa-pologize," she says.  I spin my heels in a near-perfect inside turn and grab her by the dainty wrist.  Her glistening, muscular arm is flexed with anticipation, as if bracing against an onslaught.  Her deep chestnut eyes raise from the floor with a mixture of apprehension and concession.  Perhaps fear?  Damn she is beautiful, I admit to myself.  An air of vulnerability has washed over her.  Am I a man to fear?

"Don't apologize," I say.  Her tension eases.  I will say what I need to now.  "You meant what you said. There's no take backs in life... in dancing."

I notice I'm holding her hand now in the exact starting position of the 5/4 waltz.  We'd done that dance the week prior to critical acclaim, scoring high.  How had we gone from that to this?  Was it a misstep?  A bad week?  On the set of Kid II, Morita had spoken of "The Middle Way," a Buddhist tenet forgoing extremism in order to achieve balance.  Had I overworked it in rehearsal, done too much, been too perfect and beaten down the edge I need to compete?  My mind drifts back to our hands clasped together.  I'm feeling vulnerable myself.  Confused.

"Remember this?" Karina said, speaking of our hands and the ready position of the waltz.  I did.  It felt good to hold her again, thinking of our success.  A spark lit into her eyes.  Then, the inevitable.  Our lips locked like two moist, fleshy vise grips around each other.  My infraorbital nerve activates from her wet, sensual mouth and sends instant pulses through my body, lighting up sectors laid dormant for too long.  I threw Karina down on the couch, my rage transforming into another carnal desire... lust.  All at once my delicate psyche - like darkened clouds releasing their impending monsoon - regained and expelled my confidence into the atmosphere.

I am Ralph Macchio again.  I will win this competition.

Words That Sound Like Ethnic Slurs, vol. 1

Some may know I am a Scrabble fan and word lover.  These are regular, everyday words that are not ethnic slurs.  If you think they sound like ethnic slurs, then you have a sick mind.

Jupon
Hod
Wap
Qat
Yew
Dekes
Juker
Zeds
Yikes

Free Fake Names, vol. 1

You'd be surprised how many people need good fake names.  Novelists, scriptwriters, spam e-mailers.  Here is a completely free list of names that anyone can use.

Melvin Mansoukas
Ronnie Cho-Cho
Bananas Brewster
Dr. Lee Chiarscuro
Ralph Pepperidge
Lisa Cherry-Sauer
Wally Whitehurst
Ephraim St. Cloud
Sonoma St. Pierre
Sumner Brookstone

This week in Commercial Creepazoids.

For a product that has serious store shelf presence (it's in Target for crying out loud)... Five Hour Energy has some seriously low-budget, community access-esque commercials. From the flat lighting to the lame graphics, these probably set the company back a few hundred dollars. But one thing Five Hour Energy excels at is casting. And by excel, I mean excelling at casting some freaking weirdos. Check the screengrab below.



OK, so this is quite a multicultural casting portrait for which Five Hour should be applauded. And the actors seem to do their job well. "OK guys, you're in a long line, waiting for your coffee, you're angry, you're frustrated, you're bored, you just want a no-crash buzz and goddamn it if you want it now... and ACTION." Then this...

I can't even explain how creepy this coffee-line lurker is until you see the commercial in its entirety. Go ahead, watch it, and then come back.



HE. JUST. STARES. Right at the camera. There's no blinking, no moving. Was he even supposed to be in the shoot? Did they realize they needed an overweight white guy to round out the diversity, and they asked the key grip? Having worked in TV for a brief period, I know how these casting cattle calls work. This guy might go to audition after audition, just praying for the chance to get onscreen time. Then when the chance comes, he FREEZES like the proverbial deer in the headlights. Your Commercial Creepazoid of the Week.