Conjoined Twins in China...

... or as the press reports it, "TWO HEADED BABY!!!"

I feel sorry for the parents of the child, they didn't find out about the problem until two days before giving birth.  This is super rare, most conjoined twins die within 24 hours of birth.  In fact, that only living two-headed twins I can think of are Brittany and Abigail Hensel of Minnesota.  Not only are these twins surviving... they are thriving!  Brittany is ENGAGED to be married.

And you think it's rough on the unmarried sibling when another gets engaged, what with everyone remarking, "next it's your turn" and "will you ever settle down?"  Try being attached to your sibling and hearing her get congratulated every day on her impending nuptials.  Poor Abby.

Captain Blowhard of the High Seas

A captain blew in from the sea,
grizzled, gnarled and yes, so jaded.
He harnessed his ballast near me,
with legends by time, unfaded.

First revealed: the leviathan.
Lobster-like, tentacled, and vile.
Fought with the skill of a swordsman,
its body sent down a dark mile.

Next on his vast docket, pirates;
took him captive in the Black Sea.
Hopelessness just one of his states.
Get this, a mermaid did set him free!

Lastly, the place of Atlantis,
Found inside a great gaping maw.
Yet in a bout of arthritis,
the map slipped from his pained paw.

These stories they advance nonstop.
My yawns masked by a well placed cup.
This sailor who would be Aesop.
I do wish he would just shut up.

The Greatest Action Scene of all Time and Space.

Recently my friend sent a video clip of a Bollywood movie he described as "The Matrix" meets "Terminator."  Obviously I was intrigued.  What I saw was even better than I expected.  

The clip is the end fight sequence from the movie "Endhiran," which means Robot in Tamil.  Endhiran was the most expensive movie that Bollywood has ever made, think Avatar if the Na'vi had broken into spontaneous song and dance.  To say that Endhiran is a CGI artist's wet dream would be an understatement.  This movie is a CGI artist's three day Viagra-fueled orgy and abject bacchanalia.  The effects in this movie are insane, and not in the "whoa, bro those effects are insane!" sense.  They are insane as in the person who thought them up might be clinically off his rocker, or at the very least smoking a ton of hash. 

The basic plot is that this Indian mad scientist named Dr. Vaseegaran spent his entire life trying to create his perfect likeness... and get this, he succeeds!  Nothing bad could come from playing God could it?  The robot's name is Chitti Babu and at first everything is peaches and tandoori, with Chitti Babu learning about human society.  Aishwarya Rai stars as Dr. Vaseegaran's girlfriend, and the robot helps her cheat on a college exam.  Then the military gets their hands on Chitti Babu and implants a "red chip" into him, making him go bat shit crazy.  

And he's not only crazy, he's also smart.  Chitti Babu creates a hundred robot likeness of himself and proceeds to wreak havoc.  The scene I'm about to deconstruct begins with Dr. Vaseegaran, who has infiltrated the robot's lair in disguise, discovered and about to be killed by Chitti Babu.

0:01 - In case you're wondering why the scene starts with Chitti Babu and his fingers in the good doctor's mouth, it's not because he's giving him an oral exam.  You see, Chitti Babu's fingers are also guns.  But wait!  Just as he's about to cock his trigger/thumb... the military shows up and flashes his eyesight with Vision Bleach.  The Chitti duplicates react like Sean Penn would against a paparazzi flash.  That is to say, pissed off.

0:20 - Chitti tries to use one of his powers - magnetism - to grab the gun out of a soldier's hands.  But the weapons aren't metal!  That's when he goes into "Sphere Mode."  The hundred Chittis go straight Voltron and form into a giant ball to go on the offensive.  Spinning like a murderous gyroscope or a death-bringing Katamari Damacy, the Chittis rain gunfire all over the military!  Then they smash the laboratory wide open and escape.

A trigger-happy Katamari Damacy.

1:21 - Now would be a good time to mention Chitti's awesome lightning bolt sideburns.  That really is the mark of a true bad guy - really sinister facial hair.  Evil Spock had it.  Evil Hulk Hogan (WCW version) had it.  Evil Hitler had it.  Good guys are generally clean shaven, with the exception of Wolverine and Tony Stark (they are more anti-heroes anyway).  

1:52 - Science alert!  The military has managed to get their hands on a downed Chitti clone, and they ferry it to Dr. Vasagaran and Aishwarya Rai in a high-tech, bunkered bus for diagnosis.  He's going to hack into its mainframe and upload a virus or something.  Insert standard computer hacking movie plot here.

You know Dr. Vasagaran is serious because he's rolled the sleeves up on his leather coat.  Which by the way is a great look.  

2:15 - Back to the CGI-fest.  The clones form into a rolling pin and knead the military police force like pizza dough.  The army fires a missile into the clones and think they've successfully killed them.  Key word: think.

Who's got one thumb and is about to be tossed out of a helicopter?  This guy.

In a move ripped right out of Terminator, Chitti utters the Schwarzenneger-esque line "Mind if I come in?" and throws the pilot to the ground.  Chitti reaches the pilot by stacking his clones like a totem pole and elevating himself.

3:35 - Think Chitti can only form simple shapes?  Think again!  Now he assembles into a fucking Cobra snake, complete with hissing sounds!  The clone snake gobbles up soldiers, tanks, police cars, anything in their path.  The snake crunches them up in its belly, then spews its "feces" all over the side of a building.  This is art people.

4:35 - Dr. Vaseegaran has successfully implanted a worm into the clones' mainframes!  Aishwarya Rai looks at him expectantly, like she can't wait to get into his shimmering leather pants.  Also, what is Rai even doing in this movie?  I thought she was supposed to be a Hollywood "It-Girl"?  She even had her own Barbie doll.  Now she's leering at some skunk striped robotics expert while a 100-foot tall robot snake rampages half of Mumbai.  She still has pretty eyes though.

5:00 -The military has trapped the Chitti clones in an electrified fence.  No problem!  Chittis, combine into form of... drill!  The mustachioed military men look on in horror.  At first I thought this shot was just more CGI, like an animator clicked CTRL+V to paste the same guy looking up in disbelief.  No, everyone just has a mustache... except for one guy!  See if you can find him, it's like Where's Waldo.

Hint: It's the guy without a mustache.

6:00 - The Chitti clones have now magneto-morphed into their final, and most imposing, form... the MECHA CHITTI!  Chitti hasn't even broken a sweat, and shows just how unafraid he is by casually leaning up against the side of a building...

Casual cool.

...then giving Dr. Vaseegaran the finger with one of his little clones!  Look closely and you can see the clone is also giving the finger.  I'm sure the director, who goes by the singular name Shankar, had a good chuckle about this in the editing bay. 

F You!

6:58 - The chase is on.  Dr. Vaseegaran and Aishwarya Rai flee in their tricked out bus with Mecha Chitti in hot pursuit.  Dr. Vaseegaran runs a de-magnetizing program on the captured clone... who I thought self-destructed in a previous sequence?  Then he puts the data in some sort of transmitter?  What the fuck is going on here?

7:50 - The most dramatic mouse click in movie history.  So apparently all that science was to shoot a transmitter into Mecha Chitti or something.  Anyway it's happening right now!  You can tell this is a really high tech bus because it has a wireless mouse.  Also, is that an iPod plugged in to the right of Dr. Vaseegaran?  Destroy a Mecha, download some Daler Mehndi... all in a day's work for our hero.

 
8:18 - The Mecha splits apart, and Dr. Vaseegaran thinks he's done it!  Only he forgot one thing... Chitti is equipped with Heelys!  Part shoe, part roller blades, 100% extreme as all hell.  And Chitti's Heelys are blazing fast.

Technology inspired by ten-year-old boys in suburban malls.

 
9:00 - Apparently the high-tech bus also has a giant magnet inside, and Chitti goes flying into it, captured.  Dr. Vaseegaran tickles Chitti's stomach and some sort of control panel pops out.  All of the robots are deactivated.  Sort of an anti-climactic ending to such a grandiosely envisioned scene.  Dr. Vaseegaran removes the villainous "red chip" and thankfully Chitti is deactivated.  Aishwarya Rai is relieved.

Phew.

The video cuts off here, but according to Wikipedia, Chitti's body is moved to a museum where he stays as a warning to students to adhere to Isaac Asimov's Three Laws of Robotics.  One student asks why the robot was deactivated... and Chitti's head comes to life, saying "I started to think."  The end.

I smell sequel!

God is doing a NU THANG.

Thursday video break. A young Michael Clancy doing the damn thing.  Embarrassing maybe, but he's now a lawyer living in Phoenix, so I'd say things worked out. 

Pretty Good Idea™ , vol. 4

Black markets are all the rage.  While there are obvious "bad" black markets across the world - prostitution, arms sales, counterfeit pharmaceuticals - there are also some "good" black markets (or at least ones that don't really cause any harm).  Think snakehead fish, illegal taxis, and software piracy.  Victimless crimes operated by everyday Americans just looking to break even.

The point of a black market is to circumvent legal statutes and to make a lot of money without paying taxes.  In recent years cities, and even the state, of California have tried to ban Happy Meals, plastic bags, shark fin soup and more.  But what do I think is the most profitable recently banned item in California?  100-watt light bulbs.

Diagram of a brilliant idea.

Apparently, anything higher than 72 watts is a danger to society, costing taxpayers billions of dollars every year and killing the planet.  By 2014, all incandescent light bulbs will be switched off and switched out for energy efficient LED, halogen or fluorescent bulbs.  But you say, so what?  Well I'll tell you. 

Incandescent bulbs are wonderfully bright and cheap (about a $1 for four versus $6 for a halogen set).  Somewhere, Thomas Edison is rolling over in his well-lit grave.  No longer will school children be able to read their books in bright, friendly workspaces.  Instead they'll be reading S.E. Hinton and Lois Lowry at desks that have the wattage of an interrogation room.

Your child's future workspace.

Well, when I heard about this... the proverbial light bulb went off over my head!  As 100-watt supplies dwindle, an enterprising soul could make a killing.  Here's how to do it.  Rent a U-Haul or drive your pick-up truck over the state lines to Nevada, Oregon or Arizona.  Places like Ashland, OR, Yuma, AZ, and Reno, NV are 100-watt hot beds! Then, hit up the local Costco for bulk 100-watt bulbs and load up said truck. 

When you are back safely in California, you put the word out on every street corner that you're in business.  The mark-up will be nominal, maybe a buck or two, but still enough to turn a tidy 100% profit.  And every parent in the state will be desperate for quality reading light for their little Aurora or Jeremiah.  Think you are a good parent?  Then embrace the black market.  Think of the children.

This week in Commercial Creepazoids. 5/3/11

There's an old assertion that pet owners look and act like their pets.  A lanky person would be drawn to a hound.  A musclebound person would be drawn to a bulldog.  A person who likes to give directions would get a border collie. 

Kenny Rogers and his dog Gary.

The same might be said for couples.  If you date/marry/live with someone long enough, you start to take on their facial expressions, dress, and personality.  But if this new McDonald's commercial is any indication, sometimes people that look exactly the same find each other.

And by look the same, I mean to say they both look like CREEPS.  Sorry for the terrible video quality, but apparently this is the ONLY video of this commercial on the entire Internet.  Maybe even McDonald's is embarrassed by it.  Usually, finding a commercial is no problem.  Companies are desperate to post things to their corporate YouTube page so they can say they embrace social media.  Not this time.

The premise of this commercial is that the creepy woman has all sorts of pet names for his creepy lover.  Names like "Mr. Snuggles" and "Puggle-Wuggle." Alas, the bushy-haired creep can't for the life of him think of some ridiculous name to call the woman in order to prove his unyielding love.  No, the fact that he probably paid for a delicious McDonald's lunch is not proof enough of his passion.  But lo!  The answer to his prayers are sitting right there in front of him... a muse in the form of a large-sized, 280 calorie, 69 grams of sugar-infused McDonald's Sweet Tea. "I love you too Sweet Tea... Pie!"  WHO WRITES THIS.

In my research for this piece, my Google results came up with the Yahoo Answers! query "How does McDonald's make its Sweet Tea so good?"  I didn't look at the answer because I already know.  It starts with fresh pekoe cut black tea, then simply sweetened to taste!  And by sweetened to taste, I mean they add 17 sugar packets to it, then mix it all up.

But to the specifics of this commercial.  Both of these bug-eyed, chubby cheeked jabronis are just plain creepy.  Especially the woman with the Prince Valiant haircut.  It wasn't a good look in the Middle Ages, and it's not a good look today. 

The Knights of the Round Table cut their own hair.

Don't look directly into her eyes.

Is the ad agency going for cute here?  It's not cute, it's annoying.  It's repulsive.  There is nothing worse than being cooed at by a bug faced person with chipmunk cheeks, that goes for man or woman.  You know what's cute?  Golden Retriever puppies.  A better commercial would have been a couple having a picnic in a sunny park somewhere while playing with their golden retriever puppy.  Then, suddenly, the puppy takes a sip of the guy's Sweet Tea!  Then the woman has an epiphany, "we'll name her Sweetie Pie!"

I'm not saying it's perfect, but a commercial without creeps and with puppies is better than none at all. 

Mission Accomplished... for real this time.

I need to take a moment to write about tonight's announcement that U.S. Navy Seals killed Osama Bin Laden.  I don't live in New York or D.C.  I don't know anyone personally that was a victim of 9/11.  I don't think I even know someone who knows someone that was a victim of 9/11.  I don't have any special insight, smarts or knowledge on the incident.  I just watched it on television like millions of other Americans, horrified and upset.