Friday, April 8, 2011

Would You Like to Swing on a Star?

When I was a kid, I had a friend in the neighborhood who was a bit of a jokester/pathological liar.  One of his legendary tall tales was that he traveled down to Los Angeles to be in the live studio audiences of several sitcoms.  When he returned (strangely, the same afternoon) he had the autographs of many stars of the day, including the voice of "ALF" and "Uncle Beano" from Out of this World.


Well, the news of a signature from Uncle Beano took the neighborhood by storm.  Or at least my house.  Ok, just me.  I was a big fan.  In the late 1980s, Out of this World was right up there as my favorite show, tied with Perfect Strangers (I once had a cat named Balki).

In case you weren't an avid watcher of Out of this World, I'll lay out the premise.  Basically an alien man named Troy visited Earth, hollered at a woman named Donna, knocked her up, then scooted off back to Antareus.  The offspring of this - what can only be assumed was an utterly revolting inter-species love affair - is a young girl named Evie.  The show picks up on Evie's thirteenth birthday in fictional Marlowe, California, right down the road from Carmel. 

Out of this World features probably the catchiest theme song in 1980s sitcom history.  And there were a hell of a lot of good themes during this period.  Think about it: The Facts of Life, Family Ties, Perfect StrangersOotW's channeled a doo-wop vibe (a theme which plays heavily in the pilot episode) and it really captures the show's quirky, wholesome, low-teen angst tone.  Who wouldn't want to "swing on a star" or "carry moonbeams home in a jar?"  It hearkens back to a simpler age, when no one had to worry about AIDS, nuclear apocalypse, or Communists and their damned wall.  Instead, you could gallivant around with an alien stud and have unprotected "visitor" sex with no recourse.  Until the baby comes, then Troy's on the first shuttle back to Antareus under the guise of "continuing his research." 



For a bastard half-creature child, Evie is charmingly well-adjusted.  Maureen Flannigan played Evie with honest, sincere affectations.  As child actors go, she was entirely un-annoying, no small feat in an era of Michelle Tanner and Jonathan Bower.  On Evie's thirteenth birthday, she suddenly feels a strange urge to put the tips of her index fingers together, which stops time and introduces the series' deus ex machina... Evie's powers.  

In every season, Evie gained a new power.  She started with stopping time then moved on to teleportation, enchanting animals and gleeping.  Gleeping is the ability to create simple items out of thin air.  I urge you not to look up this word on the Urban Dictionary.  Suffice it to say, the meaning has changed a bit.

As a kid, the power to stop time was up there with invisibility as one of the most awesome powers to have.  What young boy wouldn't want to stop time and sneak into his hot neighbor's shower for a glance?  What?  Only me?  Fine, use it for something practical and not creepy, whatever.  How about just having a little more time to sleep or do your homework?  In terms of sitcom production, this was before the age of green screen, so when Evie stopped time all of the extras in the scene would have to hold their poses.  If you watch closely in most frozen scenes where Evie walks around, the extras are often breathing, blinking, and shaking.

Evie stops time.
Needless to say, Evie's powers always had a way of causing more problems than they were worth.  I guess you can chalk it up to puberty, hormones raging and all that.  The supporting cast provided nice comic relief and foils for Evie's pubescence powers gone awry.  There was Mayor Kyle Applegate, a kind of pre-Phil Hartman Troy McClure character, desperate to remind people he was once a big star.  In later seasons there was the delightfully weird (or uncomfortably weird, depending on your point of view) Buzz Belmondo.  And of course, my favorite, Uncle Beano, a man who exists in this series solely to be the expense of fat jokes.  Get this... Uncle Beano runs his own diet clinic and is also morbidly obese!  Throughout the series, the writers play up the laughs by having Beano try every wacked-out diet known to man.  In the pilot, he's on a "B" diet.  He can only eat foods that begin with the letter "B."  But they have chocolate cake for Evie's birthday!  "Close enough," says Beano.

Alien absentee father Troy also makes appearances in the form of a glowing cube.  Voiced by Burt Reynolds (that's not a joke), Troy dispenses advice, guidance and occasionally acts as an alarm clock to Evie.  Jeez, 7 million miles away and he still has to nag Evie to get out of bed.  Teenagers.



While not the best known 1980s sitcom, Out of this World had its moments.  Of course, if something like this were made today, it'd be on the WB Network and feature brooding and angsty aliens, werewolves or vampires.  And they'd all be hairless dudes with six packs and expertly styled mop-tops.  It's refreshing to see an innocent girl trying to make sense of her newfound powers.  A coming of age story with gleeping.


Thursday, April 7, 2011

Don't Stop or We'll Die

I'll be back tomorrow with something more substantial (relatively speaking).  But in the meantime, enjoy this.


Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Pawn Stars by Raymond Chandler

The room is hot, stifling, oppressive even.  This is Las Vegas, it's a dry heat, the kind that makes a man thirst for a belt of scotch and makes a dame wet in the unholiest of places.  I'm on the job now so booze is out of the question, at least until the big hand strikes four and the little hand strikes six.  The best I can hope for is a cold soda.  I ankle to the cooler, where the boys are shooting marbles and betting clams.  They're all here.  Chumlee, Fat Back, Johnny.  One palooka dumber than the next.  Chumlee is dumber than a box of rocks and twice as ugly.  These are the kind of mugs that would doublecross their own mother for a sawbuck.  I keep them around for muscle when things get hot. 

I take a slug of soda and loosen my tie, surveying my domain.  Timepieces, choppers, cheaters, jalopies out back, lighters in the case under me.  All items pawned for a quick buck.  Pawned by rag-a-muffins, dewdroppers, and four-flushers.  I clean them up, fix them, then flip them for green.  Someone once said a sucker was born every minute.  Most of the time they come into my shop.  Rubes looking for a deal.  The bell rang on the shop door.

The broad that waltzes through my door isn't a rube.  At least she doesn't dress like one.  To the nines is what I'm saying.  She wears a slinky white dress like a priest wears a collar - tight and with confidence.  Something told me she wasn't the religious type though.  I'd seen the dress before, sitting in the window of one of those high class boutique joints down on the Strip.  Either this broad is from money or she's found herself a sugar daddy with deep pockets.

The dame has gams like a flamingo in repose - long, thin and sure to ruffle a few feathers.  I don't mind staring at them.  She minds even less.  She is trouble.

"You keep sucking on that bottle and I might get jealous," she says.

"For a minute I mistook you for a class act.  You come here to banter or trade your wares?  'Cause I don't think I can afford either."

"You're cute, Mister..."

"Harrison.  Rick Harrison."

"Well Mister Harrison.  Jokes aside.  I'm looking for a man who knows a thing or two about wood."

"I know it's hard or soft.  Sometimes it gets wet."

"As much as I'd like to chew gum with such an obviously smooth operator, I'm here with business.  An acquaintance informed me that you're a spotter, Mister Harrison."

"Depending on your acquaintance, I could hit on all sixes or be a real wet blanket."

"He said you're keen.  Ever see one of these?"

The skirt pulls a wooden canteen out of her black leather bag.  Of course I'd seen one before.  It was a Civil War relic, hard to come by and worth a lot of lettuce.  If it was real.  I've seen a lot of two-bit phonies come through the door.  I flip the piece over in my hand.  There is a name etched in the side.  It reads "William Tecumseh Sherman."  Old Uncle Billy himself, the man who inspired Patton and got a Kraut-killing tank named after him.  A real American hero.

"This the Real McCoy?" I ask.

"It sure is, Mister Harrison."

"Then you're looking at a lotta simoleans."

"I was hoping you'd say that."

Then the dame does something I should have seen coming, if I weren't distracted by those baby blues and a short hemline.  She pulls a heater out of her bag and points it in my general direction.

"Mister Harrison, I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to come with me."

"Sorry, toots.  I don't make house calls."

"Try to make an exception this one time.  Some important people need your expertise, and unfortunately it's not exactly... legal."

I felt a warm sting on the back of my neck and dropped to my knees.  The room dances around my eyes like a gimp in a gin joint.  I fall on my back, see Chum standing above me.  The big twit is more crooked than a gimp in a gin joint.  I should have suspected.  I don't pay him enough to be loyal.

"Chum, you're a real killjoy, ya know."

"Sorry Rick, we've gotta go see a man about a dog now."

His curled right hand slams into my pretty mug.  The last thing I see before the room goes dark is that big mope shaking his stinging knuckles.


TO BE CONTINUED?...

 

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Pretty Good Idea™

From time to time I have pretty good ideas that I have no outlet for.  Until now. 

Everyone knows that kids in this country are getting fatter every second.  Everyone also knows that kids love the beach.  Why not combine both and kill two birds with one stone?

McDonald's has long had the Happy Meal, now featuring healthy choices like apple slices and low-fat milk.  At one point they also had the McSalad Shaker, which flopped miserably in the early 2000s.  Apparently people thought it was "disgusting."  Mickey D's came so close to hitting the marketing mark with the McSalad Shaker.  It's time to bring it back for kids, who won't get disgusted by goopy dressing sticking to the lid of their container.  Just in time for the summer, I present to you...

The McSalad Bucket.

  
Picture this filled with salad.

It's a beach bucket x salad Happy Meal collaboration!  It's just crazy enough to work.  You manufacture a beach bucket complete with spork utensil included.  The kid finishes his McSalad, gets a healthy meal, then he or she gets a bucket to take to the beach.  And the spork doubles as a spade!  This would be a seasonal offering sold in coastal cities across America.  You can't tell me kids wouldn't have a blast shaking these things up either.  Kids love to shake things wildly. 

Monday, April 4, 2011

This week in Commercial Creepazoids. 4/4/11

This creep.  You may know him from the TMobile ad that completely rips off the Mac/PC ads with John Hodgman and Justin Long.  He's the guy that gets swindled by the big cell phone company, losing his shirt, when he could have been with the hot girl with the weird mouth.  He coulda been with TMobile and bagging babes in polka dot dresses!!!  But even if he was with TMobile, he might not be able to pull a hawt babe because he looks like a freakin' CREEP.





The guy's name is Andrew J. West, an actor I understand is on ABC Family's Greeks.  He also does not have blond hair, which means that someone at an ad agency thought it would be a good idea to allow a freakish dye job for this ad.  Actually, the hair doesn't even look real.  I supposed it could be a hairpiece.  The whole thing, along with his delicate features, makes him look downright elfish. 

But the real creepy thing about this guy is the... okay, this is weird but it needs to be discussed.  It's his pale, somewhat doughy, completely hairless body - except for a wispy snail trail under his navel.  And the carpet does not match the drapes.  Oh come on... look, it had to be said.  Don't judge me, in the age of 52-inch LED HD televisions, everything is noticeable.  Just ask Geno Auriemma's cold sore, John Madden's ear hair, or Steven Tyler.

I don't blame Andrew J. West, he's probably a fine actor and an even nicer guy.  If I were appearing shirtless in a national commercial, I might grab some Nair too (I'd probably tan first, being Irish is both a blessing and a curse).  But, it just makes me wonder who is overseeing these commercials.  Someone let him go on camera like this and didn't think it to be weird?  Your Commercial Creepazoid of the week.


Andrew J. West, navel-gazing.

Friday, April 1, 2011

Random Friday GIF.


TGIF people.

Running Diary, Teen Moms 2 Season Finale, part 2.

Welcome back to my running diary of the Teen Moms 2 Season Final.

You can check out PART ONE here.

And now back to the finale.



*****

11:05 - Hey!  Adam's back.  He's here to pick up his truck engine and Chevy Blazer.  Chelsea shows some backbone, refusing to call her dad to ask where Adam's motor went.  "Fucking bitch," Adam says.  Now is the time where I point out that Adam has a barb wire tattoo on his arm.  This tattoo is about as cliche as the deadbeat dad act Adam is putting on.

11:06 - Over at Coonskin Park, Corey and Leah are arriving for their wedding ceremony.  The ceremony is being held in the C. Richard Foutche clubhouse.  A quick Google search seems to indicate that Mr. Foutche was a champion golfer in 1954.  Corey later says he played golf here once, and never expected to be married here.  I assume this is the right person.

11:07 - Leah's mom asks "Does my legs look orange?"  I like Leah's mom.

11:08 - I have an unpopular opinion that all babies are ugly until they are about 2 years old.  However, Leah's kids Ali and Aleeah look pretty cute in their dresses.  Even Ali's corrective glasses are adorable.  They are melting my cold, snarky heart.

11:09 - The camo is coming on!  Corey and the boys are getting ready in their tuxes.  Corey then has a nice heart to heart with Jeff, his father.  Corey looks like he's about to tear up as his dad tells him how proud he is of him.  Then Jeff gives Corey the pocket knife he carried during the Persian Gulf War.  Corey is on the verge of tears.  I knew I liked him.  If this relationship fails it's going to be because of Leah.  Write it down.

The only thing that ruins this scene are the golfers teeing off in the background.  Kind of tacky.  This is why if you do get married at a golf course, make sure it's not a public one with dudes in tank tops downing Coors Light on the tee boxes.

11:12 - Speaky of tacky, Adam is loading up his tools from Chelsea's garage.  Inside, Chelsea laments that she wished Adam would have at least shown up for Aubree's birthday party.  Her friend says, "He's not even a dad any more."  The friend then tells Chelsea she has grown so much stronger in the past year.  I guess I agree with that, for the better part of the season Chelsea tried to force Adam into a family unit.  Like trying to fit a square peg into a round hole.  She seemed awful dependent on him emotionally.  Now she's realizing Adam is a grade-A douchebag.  Growth?

11:15 - Kailyn and Jo meet after their mediation.  Apparently Jo raised the possibility in the hearing that he could take Isaac one more day during the week.  After coming to a verbal agreement, Jo pulls the old switcharoo on Kailyn inside the courtroom.  And let the argument begin!  "Who says I won't take you to court to make it happen?" Joe asks.

"Who says the judge will say yes?" says Kailyn.

"I'll just keep going til he does, or your broke.  I'm surprised you have fucking clothes on now you are so broke."

Class act all the way, Jo.  The two continue bickering to the parking lot.  Kailyn says that she is going to college and in the future she'll have the better paying job.  Jo replies, "Who the fuck are you?  You think you're better than me?  You ain't better than nobody, you a piece of shit.  So shut the fuck up."  Keep it up Jo, I'm sure if a judge ever watches the tape of this series, he'll have more than enough character evidence to rule in Kailyn's favor.

11:20 - Before the last act, MTV shows a title card saying teen pregnancy is 100% preventable.  Wrap it up fellas. 

11:21 - Jenelle finally breaks down and bails Kieffer out of jail.  She enlists her friends Amber and Ben to help her.  Ben raises an interesting question, "Has it ever come across to you in your mind that all this bullshit that you guys keep going through, is it ever going to stop, or are you just going to keep going."  But Jenelle is ready with an answer.

Jenelle says, "I'm gonna give him like two weeks to change.  And I swear to God if he doesn't change, I'm leaving him."  TWO WEEKS???  Kieffer can manipulate her while standing on his head!  He can do two weeks easy.

11:23 - Jenelle goes to the bail bondsman to free Kieffer, but she can't do it because she's not 21.  She turns to Ben to be a co-signer.  Ben looks hesitant.  IT'S A TRAP, BEN!  Kieffer won't show up for his court date, and you are going to be out $2,000!!!  He signs anyway.  "I don't think Kieffer's going to go anywhere," Jenelle reassures him.

(Kieffer later misses his court date, and is currently imprisoned in North Carolina.)

11:25 - Wedding time.  People are filing into the C. Richard Foutche Clubhouse.  Corey and Leah are both already tearing up, but look happy.  Everything seems perfect.  Until Leah flubs the "richer or poorer" line.  She now can't stop laughing.  Kind of endearing I guess.  Odd that it was THAT line though... maybe I'm reading into it too much.

11:28 - Ending montage featuring the Teen Moms and their babies.  Chelsea is looking through photo albums of her and Adam.  Barbara is feeding Jace (fitting).  Kieffer and Jenelle shack up at Amber and Ben's.  Kailyn drives off to class, and Jo puts Isaac down to sleep.  And Leah and Corey cut their wedding cake.  Corey carries her across the threshold.  And so ends Teen Moms 2.

11:30 - POST SCRIPT!  Apparently Dr. Drew will be interviewing all the moms and their families.  The preview shows some serious fireworks between Jo and Kailyn, Jenelle and Barbara, and Adam and Chelsea's dad Randy.  Awesome!  The more things change, the more they stay the same.

In case you are wondering what the young ladies have been up to since filming.  Jenelle made a lovely video and sold to a media company for $5,000.



Teen Mom 2 Star's Front Yard Brawl - Watch more Funny Videos