I'll be back tomorrow with something more substantial (relatively speaking). But in the meantime, enjoy this.
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Pawn Stars by Raymond Chandler
The room is hot, stifling, oppressive even. This is Las Vegas, it's a dry heat, the kind that makes a man thirst for a belt of scotch and makes a dame wet in the unholiest of places. I'm on the job now so booze is out of the question, at least until the big hand strikes four and the little hand strikes six. The best I can hope for is a cold soda. I ankle to the cooler, where the boys are shooting marbles and betting clams. They're all here. Chumlee, Fat Back, Johnny. One palooka dumber than the next. Chumlee is dumber than a box of rocks and twice as ugly. These are the kind of mugs that would doublecross their own mother for a sawbuck. I keep them around for muscle when things get hot.
I take a slug of soda and loosen my tie, surveying my domain. Timepieces, choppers, cheaters, jalopies out back, lighters in the case under me. All items pawned for a quick buck. Pawned by rag-a-muffins, dewdroppers, and four-flushers. I clean them up, fix them, then flip them for green. Someone once said a sucker was born every minute. Most of the time they come into my shop. Rubes looking for a deal. The bell rang on the shop door.
The broad that waltzes through my door isn't a rube. At least she doesn't dress like one. To the nines is what I'm saying. She wears a slinky white dress like a priest wears a collar - tight and with confidence. Something told me she wasn't the religious type though. I'd seen the dress before, sitting in the window of one of those high class boutique joints down on the Strip. Either this broad is from money or she's found herself a sugar daddy with deep pockets.
The dame has gams like a flamingo in repose - long, thin and sure to ruffle a few feathers. I don't mind staring at them. She minds even less. She is trouble.
"You keep sucking on that bottle and I might get jealous," she says.
"For a minute I mistook you for a class act. You come here to banter or trade your wares? 'Cause I don't think I can afford either."
"You're cute, Mister..."
"Harrison. Rick Harrison."
"Well Mister Harrison. Jokes aside. I'm looking for a man who knows a thing or two about wood."
"I know it's hard or soft. Sometimes it gets wet."
"As much as I'd like to chew gum with such an obviously smooth operator, I'm here with business. An acquaintance informed me that you're a spotter, Mister Harrison."
"Depending on your acquaintance, I could hit on all sixes or be a real wet blanket."
"He said you're keen. Ever see one of these?"
The skirt pulls a wooden canteen out of her black leather bag. Of course I'd seen one before. It was a Civil War relic, hard to come by and worth a lot of lettuce. If it was real. I've seen a lot of two-bit phonies come through the door. I flip the piece over in my hand. There is a name etched in the side. It reads "William Tecumseh Sherman." Old Uncle Billy himself, the man who inspired Patton and got a Kraut-killing tank named after him. A real American hero.
"This the Real McCoy?" I ask.
"It sure is, Mister Harrison."
"Then you're looking at a lotta simoleans."
"I was hoping you'd say that."
Then the dame does something I should have seen coming, if I weren't distracted by those baby blues and a short hemline. She pulls a heater out of her bag and points it in my general direction.
"Mister Harrison, I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to come with me."
"Sorry, toots. I don't make house calls."
"Try to make an exception this one time. Some important people need your expertise, and unfortunately it's not exactly... legal."
I felt a warm sting on the back of my neck and dropped to my knees. The room dances around my eyes like a gimp in a gin joint. I fall on my back, see Chum standing above me. The big twit is more crooked than a gimp in a gin joint. I should have suspected. I don't pay him enough to be loyal.
"Chum, you're a real killjoy, ya know."
"Sorry Rick, we've gotta go see a man about a dog now."
His curled right hand slams into my pretty mug. The last thing I see before the room goes dark is that big mope shaking his stinging knuckles.
TO BE CONTINUED?...
The broad that waltzes through my door isn't a rube. At least she doesn't dress like one. To the nines is what I'm saying. She wears a slinky white dress like a priest wears a collar - tight and with confidence. Something told me she wasn't the religious type though. I'd seen the dress before, sitting in the window of one of those high class boutique joints down on the Strip. Either this broad is from money or she's found herself a sugar daddy with deep pockets.
The dame has gams like a flamingo in repose - long, thin and sure to ruffle a few feathers. I don't mind staring at them. She minds even less. She is trouble.
"You keep sucking on that bottle and I might get jealous," she says.
"For a minute I mistook you for a class act. You come here to banter or trade your wares? 'Cause I don't think I can afford either."
"You're cute, Mister..."
"Harrison. Rick Harrison."
"Well Mister Harrison. Jokes aside. I'm looking for a man who knows a thing or two about wood."
"I know it's hard or soft. Sometimes it gets wet."
"As much as I'd like to chew gum with such an obviously smooth operator, I'm here with business. An acquaintance informed me that you're a spotter, Mister Harrison."
"Depending on your acquaintance, I could hit on all sixes or be a real wet blanket."
"He said you're keen. Ever see one of these?"
The skirt pulls a wooden canteen out of her black leather bag. Of course I'd seen one before. It was a Civil War relic, hard to come by and worth a lot of lettuce. If it was real. I've seen a lot of two-bit phonies come through the door. I flip the piece over in my hand. There is a name etched in the side. It reads "William Tecumseh Sherman." Old Uncle Billy himself, the man who inspired Patton and got a Kraut-killing tank named after him. A real American hero.
"This the Real McCoy?" I ask.
"It sure is, Mister Harrison."
"Then you're looking at a lotta simoleans."
"I was hoping you'd say that."
Then the dame does something I should have seen coming, if I weren't distracted by those baby blues and a short hemline. She pulls a heater out of her bag and points it in my general direction.
"Mister Harrison, I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to come with me."
"Sorry, toots. I don't make house calls."
"Try to make an exception this one time. Some important people need your expertise, and unfortunately it's not exactly... legal."
I felt a warm sting on the back of my neck and dropped to my knees. The room dances around my eyes like a gimp in a gin joint. I fall on my back, see Chum standing above me. The big twit is more crooked than a gimp in a gin joint. I should have suspected. I don't pay him enough to be loyal.
"Chum, you're a real killjoy, ya know."
"Sorry Rick, we've gotta go see a man about a dog now."
His curled right hand slams into my pretty mug. The last thing I see before the room goes dark is that big mope shaking his stinging knuckles.
TO BE CONTINUED?...
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Pretty Good Idea™
From time to time I have pretty good ideas that I have no outlet for. Until now.
Everyone knows that kids in this country are getting fatter every second. Everyone also knows that kids love the beach. Why not combine both and kill two birds with one stone?
McDonald's has long had the Happy Meal, now featuring healthy choices like apple slices and low-fat milk. At one point they also had the McSalad Shaker, which flopped miserably in the early 2000s. Apparently people thought it was "disgusting." Mickey D's came so close to hitting the marketing mark with the McSalad Shaker. It's time to bring it back for kids, who won't get disgusted by goopy dressing sticking to the lid of their container. Just in time for the summer, I present to you...
The McSalad Bucket.
It's a beach bucket x salad Happy Meal collaboration! It's just crazy enough to work. You manufacture a beach bucket complete with spork utensil included. The kid finishes his McSalad, gets a healthy meal, then he or she gets a bucket to take to the beach. And the spork doubles as a spade! This would be a seasonal offering sold in coastal cities across America. You can't tell me kids wouldn't have a blast shaking these things up either. Kids love to shake things wildly.
Everyone knows that kids in this country are getting fatter every second. Everyone also knows that kids love the beach. Why not combine both and kill two birds with one stone?
McDonald's has long had the Happy Meal, now featuring healthy choices like apple slices and low-fat milk. At one point they also had the McSalad Shaker, which flopped miserably in the early 2000s. Apparently people thought it was "disgusting." Mickey D's came so close to hitting the marketing mark with the McSalad Shaker. It's time to bring it back for kids, who won't get disgusted by goopy dressing sticking to the lid of their container. Just in time for the summer, I present to you...
The McSalad Bucket.
 | |
| Picture this filled with salad. |
It's a beach bucket x salad Happy Meal collaboration! It's just crazy enough to work. You manufacture a beach bucket complete with spork utensil included. The kid finishes his McSalad, gets a healthy meal, then he or she gets a bucket to take to the beach. And the spork doubles as a spade! This would be a seasonal offering sold in coastal cities across America. You can't tell me kids wouldn't have a blast shaking these things up either. Kids love to shake things wildly.
Monday, April 4, 2011
This week in Commercial Creepazoids. 4/4/11
The guy's name is Andrew J. West, an actor I understand is on ABC Family's Greeks. He also does not have blond hair, which means that someone at an ad agency thought it would be a good idea to allow a freakish dye job for this ad. Actually, the hair doesn't even look real. I supposed it could be a hairpiece. The whole thing, along with his delicate features, makes him look downright elfish.
But the real creepy thing about this guy is the... okay, this is weird but it needs to be discussed. It's his pale, somewhat doughy, completely hairless body - except for a wispy snail trail under his navel. And the carpet does not match the drapes. Oh come on... look, it had to be said. Don't judge me, in the age of 52-inch LED HD televisions, everything is noticeable. Just ask Geno Auriemma's cold sore, John Madden's ear hair, or Steven Tyler.
I don't blame Andrew J. West, he's probably a fine actor and an even nicer guy. If I were appearing shirtless in a national commercial, I might grab some Nair too (I'd probably tan first, being Irish is both a blessing and a curse). But, it just makes me wonder who is overseeing these commercials. Someone let him go on camera like this and didn't think it to be weird? Your Commercial Creepazoid of the week.
 |
| Andrew J. West, navel-gazing. |
Friday, April 1, 2011
Running Diary, Teen Moms 2 Season Finale, part 2.
Welcome back to my running diary of the Teen Moms 2 Season Final.
You can check out PART ONE here.
And now back to the finale.
*****
11:05 - Hey! Adam's back. He's here to pick up his truck engine and Chevy Blazer. Chelsea shows some backbone, refusing to call her dad to ask where Adam's motor went. "Fucking bitch," Adam says. Now is the time where I point out that Adam has a barb wire tattoo on his arm. This tattoo is about as cliche as the deadbeat dad act Adam is putting on.
11:06 - Over at Coonskin Park, Corey and Leah are arriving for their wedding ceremony. The ceremony is being held in the C. Richard Foutche clubhouse. A quick Google search seems to indicate that Mr. Foutche was a champion golfer in 1954. Corey later says he played golf here once, and never expected to be married here. I assume this is the right person.
11:07 - Leah's mom asks "Does my legs look orange?" I like Leah's mom.
11:08 - I have an unpopular opinion that all babies are ugly until they are about 2 years old. However, Leah's kids Ali and Aleeah look pretty cute in their dresses. Even Ali's corrective glasses are adorable. They are melting my cold, snarky heart.
11:09 - The camo is coming on! Corey and the boys are getting ready in their tuxes. Corey then has a nice heart to heart with Jeff, his father. Corey looks like he's about to tear up as his dad tells him how proud he is of him. Then Jeff gives Corey the pocket knife he carried during the Persian Gulf War. Corey is on the verge of tears. I knew I liked him. If this relationship fails it's going to be because of Leah. Write it down.
The only thing that ruins this scene are the golfers teeing off in the background. Kind of tacky. This is why if you do get married at a golf course, make sure it's not a public one with dudes in tank tops downing Coors Light on the tee boxes.
11:12 - Speaky of tacky, Adam is loading up his tools from Chelsea's garage. Inside, Chelsea laments that she wished Adam would have at least shown up for Aubree's birthday party. Her friend says, "He's not even a dad any more." The friend then tells Chelsea she has grown so much stronger in the past year. I guess I agree with that, for the better part of the season Chelsea tried to force Adam into a family unit. Like trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. She seemed awful dependent on him emotionally. Now she's realizing Adam is a grade-A douchebag. Growth?
11:15 - Kailyn and Jo meet after their mediation. Apparently Jo raised the possibility in the hearing that he could take Isaac one more day during the week. After coming to a verbal agreement, Jo pulls the old switcharoo on Kailyn inside the courtroom. And let the argument begin! "Who says I won't take you to court to make it happen?" Joe asks.
"Who says the judge will say yes?" says Kailyn.
"I'll just keep going til he does, or your broke. I'm surprised you have fucking clothes on now you are so broke."
Class act all the way, Jo. The two continue bickering to the parking lot. Kailyn says that she is going to college and in the future she'll have the better paying job. Jo replies, "Who the fuck are you? You think you're better than me? You ain't better than nobody, you a piece of shit. So shut the fuck up." Keep it up Jo, I'm sure if a judge ever watches the tape of this series, he'll have more than enough character evidence to rule in Kailyn's favor.
11:20 - Before the last act, MTV shows a title card saying teen pregnancy is 100% preventable. Wrap it up fellas.
11:21 - Jenelle finally breaks down and bails Kieffer out of jail. She enlists her friends Amber and Ben to help her. Ben raises an interesting question, "Has it ever come across to you in your mind that all this bullshit that you guys keep going through, is it ever going to stop, or are you just going to keep going." But Jenelle is ready with an answer.
Jenelle says, "I'm gonna give him like two weeks to change. And I swear to God if he doesn't change, I'm leaving him." TWO WEEKS??? Kieffer can manipulate her while standing on his head! He can do two weeks easy.
11:23 - Jenelle goes to the bail bondsman to free Kieffer, but she can't do it because she's not 21. She turns to Ben to be a co-signer. Ben looks hesitant. IT'S A TRAP, BEN! Kieffer won't show up for his court date, and you are going to be out $2,000!!! He signs anyway. "I don't think Kieffer's going to go anywhere," Jenelle reassures him.
(Kieffer later misses his court date, and is currently imprisoned in North Carolina.)
11:25 - Wedding time. People are filing into the C. Richard Foutche Clubhouse. Corey and Leah are both already tearing up, but look happy. Everything seems perfect. Until Leah flubs the "richer or poorer" line. She now can't stop laughing. Kind of endearing I guess. Odd that it was THAT line though... maybe I'm reading into it too much.
11:28 - Ending montage featuring the Teen Moms and their babies. Chelsea is looking through photo albums of her and Adam. Barbara is feeding Jace (fitting). Kieffer and Jenelle shack up at Amber and Ben's. Kailyn drives off to class, and Jo puts Isaac down to sleep. And Leah and Corey cut their wedding cake. Corey carries her across the threshold. And so ends Teen Moms 2.
11:30 - POST SCRIPT! Apparently Dr. Drew will be interviewing all the moms and their families. The preview shows some serious fireworks between Jo and Kailyn, Jenelle and Barbara, and Adam and Chelsea's dad Randy. Awesome! The more things change, the more they stay the same.
In case you are wondering what the young ladies have been up to since filming. Jenelle made a lovely video and sold to a media company for $5,000.
Teen Mom 2 Star's Front Yard Brawl - Watch more Funny Videos
You can check out PART ONE here.
And now back to the finale.
*****
11:05 - Hey! Adam's back. He's here to pick up his truck engine and Chevy Blazer. Chelsea shows some backbone, refusing to call her dad to ask where Adam's motor went. "Fucking bitch," Adam says. Now is the time where I point out that Adam has a barb wire tattoo on his arm. This tattoo is about as cliche as the deadbeat dad act Adam is putting on.
11:06 - Over at Coonskin Park, Corey and Leah are arriving for their wedding ceremony. The ceremony is being held in the C. Richard Foutche clubhouse. A quick Google search seems to indicate that Mr. Foutche was a champion golfer in 1954. Corey later says he played golf here once, and never expected to be married here. I assume this is the right person.
11:07 - Leah's mom asks "Does my legs look orange?" I like Leah's mom.
11:08 - I have an unpopular opinion that all babies are ugly until they are about 2 years old. However, Leah's kids Ali and Aleeah look pretty cute in their dresses. Even Ali's corrective glasses are adorable. They are melting my cold, snarky heart.
11:09 - The camo is coming on! Corey and the boys are getting ready in their tuxes. Corey then has a nice heart to heart with Jeff, his father. Corey looks like he's about to tear up as his dad tells him how proud he is of him. Then Jeff gives Corey the pocket knife he carried during the Persian Gulf War. Corey is on the verge of tears. I knew I liked him. If this relationship fails it's going to be because of Leah. Write it down.
The only thing that ruins this scene are the golfers teeing off in the background. Kind of tacky. This is why if you do get married at a golf course, make sure it's not a public one with dudes in tank tops downing Coors Light on the tee boxes.
11:12 - Speaky of tacky, Adam is loading up his tools from Chelsea's garage. Inside, Chelsea laments that she wished Adam would have at least shown up for Aubree's birthday party. Her friend says, "He's not even a dad any more." The friend then tells Chelsea she has grown so much stronger in the past year. I guess I agree with that, for the better part of the season Chelsea tried to force Adam into a family unit. Like trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. She seemed awful dependent on him emotionally. Now she's realizing Adam is a grade-A douchebag. Growth?
11:15 - Kailyn and Jo meet after their mediation. Apparently Jo raised the possibility in the hearing that he could take Isaac one more day during the week. After coming to a verbal agreement, Jo pulls the old switcharoo on Kailyn inside the courtroom. And let the argument begin! "Who says I won't take you to court to make it happen?" Joe asks.
"Who says the judge will say yes?" says Kailyn.
"I'll just keep going til he does, or your broke. I'm surprised you have fucking clothes on now you are so broke."
Class act all the way, Jo. The two continue bickering to the parking lot. Kailyn says that she is going to college and in the future she'll have the better paying job. Jo replies, "Who the fuck are you? You think you're better than me? You ain't better than nobody, you a piece of shit. So shut the fuck up." Keep it up Jo, I'm sure if a judge ever watches the tape of this series, he'll have more than enough character evidence to rule in Kailyn's favor.
11:20 - Before the last act, MTV shows a title card saying teen pregnancy is 100% preventable. Wrap it up fellas.
11:21 - Jenelle finally breaks down and bails Kieffer out of jail. She enlists her friends Amber and Ben to help her. Ben raises an interesting question, "Has it ever come across to you in your mind that all this bullshit that you guys keep going through, is it ever going to stop, or are you just going to keep going." But Jenelle is ready with an answer.
Jenelle says, "I'm gonna give him like two weeks to change. And I swear to God if he doesn't change, I'm leaving him." TWO WEEKS??? Kieffer can manipulate her while standing on his head! He can do two weeks easy.
11:23 - Jenelle goes to the bail bondsman to free Kieffer, but she can't do it because she's not 21. She turns to Ben to be a co-signer. Ben looks hesitant. IT'S A TRAP, BEN! Kieffer won't show up for his court date, and you are going to be out $2,000!!! He signs anyway. "I don't think Kieffer's going to go anywhere," Jenelle reassures him.
(Kieffer later misses his court date, and is currently imprisoned in North Carolina.)
11:25 - Wedding time. People are filing into the C. Richard Foutche Clubhouse. Corey and Leah are both already tearing up, but look happy. Everything seems perfect. Until Leah flubs the "richer or poorer" line. She now can't stop laughing. Kind of endearing I guess. Odd that it was THAT line though... maybe I'm reading into it too much.
11:28 - Ending montage featuring the Teen Moms and their babies. Chelsea is looking through photo albums of her and Adam. Barbara is feeding Jace (fitting). Kieffer and Jenelle shack up at Amber and Ben's. Kailyn drives off to class, and Jo puts Isaac down to sleep. And Leah and Corey cut their wedding cake. Corey carries her across the threshold. And so ends Teen Moms 2.
11:30 - POST SCRIPT! Apparently Dr. Drew will be interviewing all the moms and their families. The preview shows some serious fireworks between Jo and Kailyn, Jenelle and Barbara, and Adam and Chelsea's dad Randy. Awesome! The more things change, the more they stay the same.
In case you are wondering what the young ladies have been up to since filming. Jenelle made a lovely video and sold to a media company for $5,000.
Teen Mom 2 Star's Front Yard Brawl - Watch more Funny Videos
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Running Diary: Teen Moms 2 Season Finale
I love MTV, and I will fight to the death to praise its self-aggrandizing, narcissistic, overwrought programming. I love its shows, I love its ridiculous commercials for movies like Soul Surfer, I even love that they never play music. Are you not entertained?!? A few nights ago MTV aired the epic Teen Moms 2 finale. With apologies to ESPN's Bill Simmons, here is my running diary.
10:00 - They are recapping the season thus far. Some very gripping moments. We see Leah and Corey's twins Ali and Aleeah. We still haven't found out what's wrong with Ali's eyes and legs. This is the couple that seems to have made it. So far.
We see the spoiled Chelsea, her near-deadbeat dad ex-boyfriend Adam, and their baby girl Aubree. In the recap, Adam tells Chelsea that "Aubree's not just yours, she's ours!" Um, Adam, you may have knocked her up but your responsibilities don't end at Chelsea's vagina. Adam says he has cheated on Chelsea five times so far.
Then it's on to Kailyn and Jo and their rage-fueled relationship and battle for son Isaac. This is the one couple we know will never get back together. Jo is fuckin' clownshoes, a wannabe thug living with his parents in their two story brick ranch house, featuring marble countertops and a guest bedroom.
And then there's Janelle. The true star of the show, a complete train wreck in all facets of her life. "Previously on" shows her having racked up hundreds of dollars on a stolen credit card, smoking weed in the front yard, and lashing out violently at her equally disturbed mother. She's dating a guy named Kieffer Delp. One can only guess where this episode will take us.
10:03 - Leah heads to the nail shop to get ready for her upcoming wedding to Corey. I like these two kids, they seem stable. At the risk of sounding like a family values conservative, I think have their own equally stable family units have helped them. Corey's dad is a real good father, and Corey is without question the best teen dad on the show. Once he resigned himself to the fact that he was a father he manned up 100% and owned up to his responsibilities. Respect.
10:05 - Leah's friend Victoria says "I like this wedding, it's making me even prettier." A little spray tan, a little nail polish and you're ready for Miss Teen West Virginia.
10:06 - Another of Leah's friends tells her when she's at the altar, "your hands will be dripping with sweat." This girl is nearly ecstatic at the possibility of Leah's sweaty, dripping, clammy hands. Kind of creepy.
10:07 - Yet another friend tells Leah that marriage is "Til death do us part." Leah gives a sort of unsettled look. Hmm. I'm not placing bets on the long term success of this marriage quite yet.
10:09 - Chelsea and daughter Aubrey are both sick. Luckily Chelsea's mom is there to take care of them both. Mom tends to Aubrey while Chelsea picks up her phone and begins to text. Her voice over tells us "While Aubrey naps, I'm going home and have my dad bring me sushi." And there you have Chelsea in a nutshell.
10:11 - Chelsea's dad Randy brings her sushi. They live in Nebraska, how fresh is this fish? Chelsea informs us her ex Adam's car has been in the driveway for three weeks. Randy ticks off Adam's "accomplishments" - doesn't pay child support, won't come to Aubrey's birthday party, left a truck engine in her garage. Randy wants to get the car towed. That's not going to make motorhead Adam happy.
10:12 - A moment of civility between Kailyn and Jo when she comes to pick up her son Isaac. Calm before the storm. They've agreed that Kailyn will get Isaac Mondays through Fridays, and Jo will take the boy from Friday morning to Sunday morning.
10:13 - Kailyn's mom tells her "you know I'm here for you." This was the same woman who basically told her in a previous episode "I can't help you, I've got my own problems." Make nice for the cameras.
10:14 - Jenelle makes her first appearance and it's a doozy. She ditches her son Jace to go hang out with Kieffer at his friend Mike's house. Only problem? Mike ain't home and told Kieffer not to stay at the house while he's gone. Cue the visual of Jenelle and Kieffer's mugshot. She's arrested for breaking and entering and possession of marijuana. Nice.
10:15 - Jenelle's mom doesn't seem that surprised when Jenelle calls from prison asking to be bailed out. Barbara gives Jenelle what seems to be about the 10th ultimatum to stop fucking around with Kieffer and take care of her baby or she'll be thrown out of the house. I'm sure this is probably the time when Jenelle finally gets the message. Surely jail must be the eye-opening experience she needed to set her life on the straight and narrow?
Side note: Barbara is no peach herself. Her high pitched crow's shriek of a voice would send anyone over the edge. She also goes from calm to bitchy in a split second. Granted, if I had a daughter like Jenelle I might be the same way.
10:18 - We're back from commercial and Jenelle gets picked up by her friend Amber, who asks "What the fuck were you thinking dude?" America wants to know. Jenelle says it was scary in jail, "there weren't like teenagers in there like me, there was like older women." A glimpse at your future baby.
10:20 - BOMBSHELL. Jenelle tells us that Kieffer was arrested at his friend's house down the street snorting cocaine. Amber asks, "Is this a wake-up call for you?" Janelle says, "That was like a crazy experience." A resounding yes if I've ever heard one.
10:22 - On a happier note, Chelsea is at the party store shopping for Aubrey's 1st birthday. She wants a leopard print motif. Leopard print and pink. Is this a party for the kid or yourself? Right before the commercial break, we see a tow truck haul off Adam's Chevy Blazer from Chelsea's driveway. I can't see if there is a sticker in the back window of Calvin urinating on a Ford.
10:25 - After the commercial break, we open to Kailyn's son Isaac eating dog food on the floor. I used to eat our cat's food out of the dish when I was a kid because the kibbles looked like Cheerios. Moral of the story, babies are dumb and will put anything in their ravenous little mouths.
10:27 - Leah and Corey go through a wedding rehearsal at their church. The real wedding will take place at something called "Coonskin Park." Corey will also be wearing a camouflage vest with his tuxedo. That's not a joke.
10:34 - Finally we get to Aubree's first birthday party. Chelsea's mom Mary is making a strong appearance in this episode. This is the first time I've even seen Mary, and she has a nose stud. That's not a good look for a dumpy, middle-aged suburban housewife. A nose stud and a Mary Tyler Moore hair cut.
10:36 - Kieffer calls Jenelle from jail, begging her to bail him out. She says no. Could she be staying strong? "I love you," says Kieffer. Oooh, he dropped the L-bomb on her. Jenelle doesn't agree to anything, but her face cracks a bit. Kieffer is a real manipulative snoogemeister, he is pushing whatever emotional buttons Jenelle has.
10:38 - Jenelle comes home to face Barbara, who asks the recently bailed out teen if this is an awakening for her. "Uh yeah no shit, Mom." Barbara says "Please let there be no more jail time." Jenelle rolls her eyes and says "all right, Mom... Gaawwd" as if she's being lectured for turning her homework in late or being told to take out the trash.
10:43 - Chelsea is getting ready for Aubree's birthday, she's dressed in a leopard print shirt and her friends look as if they are dressed up for an 80s themed party. Aubree wears a leopard print beret. She's also eating wrapping paper.
10:45 - We find out Jenelle has spent $790 on her mom's credit card, which she had stolen. Now she's trying to "make things right" with her mom and working with Discovery card to get on a payment plan. So if she wasn't spending money on her son Jace, what was she spending it on? A shitload of Silly Bandz?
10:46 - Jenelle and Barbara have a heart to heart about the credit cards and lying. Barbara is really worked up, tears streaming down her face. Jenelle has a near-blank, almost bored, expression on her face. "I hope we can make progress," she says as she picks her nails. Oh boy.
Barbara says, "I don't think you do love me." Jenelle is a blank slate. Is she a sociopath? Does she have any emotions whatsoever, other than selfishness and rage? How can you watch your mother crying and not be emotionally moved in some way. Jenelle offers her mother a tepid hug. Yikes.
10:55 - Obligatory courtroom hallway shot and sad music playing as Jo waits on a court bench for his custody hearing. If the producers are trying to build sympathy for Jo that's a tough road to hoe. Throughout the season Jo has been nothing but a douchebag, belittling Kailyn at every opportunity. They are going into mediation now. This should be interesting.
11:00 - Kieffer calls again, desperate to be bailed out of jail. There's a little bit of chicken and the egg thing going on here. Jenelle wants Kieffer to change before she bails him out. But Kieffer, ever the sly negotiator, tells her "I got to be out to change. I love you."
Jenelle talks to Barbara's boyfriend Mike. She tells Mike she wants to bail Kieffer out, to which Mike asks the question we all are wondering, "Why the hell would you want to do that?" Then, a deep moment of reflection from Jenelle, who looks off to the sky with wistful rumination and says "When you have a best friend, a boy friend, that since day one of your relationship, and you've been in a relationship for FIVE MONTHS straight, it's like one day someone just takes away your best friend."
Well let's be fair, it wasn't just "someone" that took him away, it was the police. Who arrested him for breaking and entering and doing coke.
"I still love Kieffer," says Jenelle.
"What about Jace," Mike asks.
"Yeah I love Jace too. What about him?" Yep.
*****
Stay tuned for PART TWO coming tomorrow. The explosive ending to Kailyn and Jo's custody hearing, Corey and Leah's wedding, and the triumphant return of Kieffer Delp.
10:00 - They are recapping the season thus far. Some very gripping moments. We see Leah and Corey's twins Ali and Aleeah. We still haven't found out what's wrong with Ali's eyes and legs. This is the couple that seems to have made it. So far.
We see the spoiled Chelsea, her near-deadbeat dad ex-boyfriend Adam, and their baby girl Aubree. In the recap, Adam tells Chelsea that "Aubree's not just yours, she's ours!" Um, Adam, you may have knocked her up but your responsibilities don't end at Chelsea's vagina. Adam says he has cheated on Chelsea five times so far.
Then it's on to Kailyn and Jo and their rage-fueled relationship and battle for son Isaac. This is the one couple we know will never get back together. Jo is fuckin' clownshoes, a wannabe thug living with his parents in their two story brick ranch house, featuring marble countertops and a guest bedroom.
And then there's Janelle. The true star of the show, a complete train wreck in all facets of her life. "Previously on" shows her having racked up hundreds of dollars on a stolen credit card, smoking weed in the front yard, and lashing out violently at her equally disturbed mother. She's dating a guy named Kieffer Delp. One can only guess where this episode will take us.
10:03 - Leah heads to the nail shop to get ready for her upcoming wedding to Corey. I like these two kids, they seem stable. At the risk of sounding like a family values conservative, I think have their own equally stable family units have helped them. Corey's dad is a real good father, and Corey is without question the best teen dad on the show. Once he resigned himself to the fact that he was a father he manned up 100% and owned up to his responsibilities. Respect.
10:05 - Leah's friend Victoria says "I like this wedding, it's making me even prettier." A little spray tan, a little nail polish and you're ready for Miss Teen West Virginia.
10:06 - Another of Leah's friends tells her when she's at the altar, "your hands will be dripping with sweat." This girl is nearly ecstatic at the possibility of Leah's sweaty, dripping, clammy hands. Kind of creepy.
10:07 - Yet another friend tells Leah that marriage is "Til death do us part." Leah gives a sort of unsettled look. Hmm. I'm not placing bets on the long term success of this marriage quite yet.
10:09 - Chelsea and daughter Aubrey are both sick. Luckily Chelsea's mom is there to take care of them both. Mom tends to Aubrey while Chelsea picks up her phone and begins to text. Her voice over tells us "While Aubrey naps, I'm going home and have my dad bring me sushi." And there you have Chelsea in a nutshell.
10:11 - Chelsea's dad Randy brings her sushi. They live in Nebraska, how fresh is this fish? Chelsea informs us her ex Adam's car has been in the driveway for three weeks. Randy ticks off Adam's "accomplishments" - doesn't pay child support, won't come to Aubrey's birthday party, left a truck engine in her garage. Randy wants to get the car towed. That's not going to make motorhead Adam happy.
10:12 - A moment of civility between Kailyn and Jo when she comes to pick up her son Isaac. Calm before the storm. They've agreed that Kailyn will get Isaac Mondays through Fridays, and Jo will take the boy from Friday morning to Sunday morning.
10:13 - Kailyn's mom tells her "you know I'm here for you." This was the same woman who basically told her in a previous episode "I can't help you, I've got my own problems." Make nice for the cameras.
10:14 - Jenelle makes her first appearance and it's a doozy. She ditches her son Jace to go hang out with Kieffer at his friend Mike's house. Only problem? Mike ain't home and told Kieffer not to stay at the house while he's gone. Cue the visual of Jenelle and Kieffer's mugshot. She's arrested for breaking and entering and possession of marijuana. Nice.
10:15 - Jenelle's mom doesn't seem that surprised when Jenelle calls from prison asking to be bailed out. Barbara gives Jenelle what seems to be about the 10th ultimatum to stop fucking around with Kieffer and take care of her baby or she'll be thrown out of the house. I'm sure this is probably the time when Jenelle finally gets the message. Surely jail must be the eye-opening experience she needed to set her life on the straight and narrow?
Side note: Barbara is no peach herself. Her high pitched crow's shriek of a voice would send anyone over the edge. She also goes from calm to bitchy in a split second. Granted, if I had a daughter like Jenelle I might be the same way.
10:18 - We're back from commercial and Jenelle gets picked up by her friend Amber, who asks "What the fuck were you thinking dude?" America wants to know. Jenelle says it was scary in jail, "there weren't like teenagers in there like me, there was like older women." A glimpse at your future baby.
10:20 - BOMBSHELL. Jenelle tells us that Kieffer was arrested at his friend's house down the street snorting cocaine. Amber asks, "Is this a wake-up call for you?" Janelle says, "That was like a crazy experience." A resounding yes if I've ever heard one.
10:22 - On a happier note, Chelsea is at the party store shopping for Aubrey's 1st birthday. She wants a leopard print motif. Leopard print and pink. Is this a party for the kid or yourself? Right before the commercial break, we see a tow truck haul off Adam's Chevy Blazer from Chelsea's driveway. I can't see if there is a sticker in the back window of Calvin urinating on a Ford.
10:25 - After the commercial break, we open to Kailyn's son Isaac eating dog food on the floor. I used to eat our cat's food out of the dish when I was a kid because the kibbles looked like Cheerios. Moral of the story, babies are dumb and will put anything in their ravenous little mouths.
10:27 - Leah and Corey go through a wedding rehearsal at their church. The real wedding will take place at something called "Coonskin Park." Corey will also be wearing a camouflage vest with his tuxedo. That's not a joke.
10:34 - Finally we get to Aubree's first birthday party. Chelsea's mom Mary is making a strong appearance in this episode. This is the first time I've even seen Mary, and she has a nose stud. That's not a good look for a dumpy, middle-aged suburban housewife. A nose stud and a Mary Tyler Moore hair cut.
10:36 - Kieffer calls Jenelle from jail, begging her to bail him out. She says no. Could she be staying strong? "I love you," says Kieffer. Oooh, he dropped the L-bomb on her. Jenelle doesn't agree to anything, but her face cracks a bit. Kieffer is a real manipulative snoogemeister, he is pushing whatever emotional buttons Jenelle has.
10:38 - Jenelle comes home to face Barbara, who asks the recently bailed out teen if this is an awakening for her. "Uh yeah no shit, Mom." Barbara says "Please let there be no more jail time." Jenelle rolls her eyes and says "all right, Mom... Gaawwd" as if she's being lectured for turning her homework in late or being told to take out the trash.
10:43 - Chelsea is getting ready for Aubree's birthday, she's dressed in a leopard print shirt and her friends look as if they are dressed up for an 80s themed party. Aubree wears a leopard print beret. She's also eating wrapping paper.
10:45 - We find out Jenelle has spent $790 on her mom's credit card, which she had stolen. Now she's trying to "make things right" with her mom and working with Discovery card to get on a payment plan. So if she wasn't spending money on her son Jace, what was she spending it on? A shitload of Silly Bandz?
10:46 - Jenelle and Barbara have a heart to heart about the credit cards and lying. Barbara is really worked up, tears streaming down her face. Jenelle has a near-blank, almost bored, expression on her face. "I hope we can make progress," she says as she picks her nails. Oh boy.
Barbara says, "I don't think you do love me." Jenelle is a blank slate. Is she a sociopath? Does she have any emotions whatsoever, other than selfishness and rage? How can you watch your mother crying and not be emotionally moved in some way. Jenelle offers her mother a tepid hug. Yikes.
10:55 - Obligatory courtroom hallway shot and sad music playing as Jo waits on a court bench for his custody hearing. If the producers are trying to build sympathy for Jo that's a tough road to hoe. Throughout the season Jo has been nothing but a douchebag, belittling Kailyn at every opportunity. They are going into mediation now. This should be interesting.
11:00 - Kieffer calls again, desperate to be bailed out of jail. There's a little bit of chicken and the egg thing going on here. Jenelle wants Kieffer to change before she bails him out. But Kieffer, ever the sly negotiator, tells her "I got to be out to change. I love you."
Jenelle talks to Barbara's boyfriend Mike. She tells Mike she wants to bail Kieffer out, to which Mike asks the question we all are wondering, "Why the hell would you want to do that?" Then, a deep moment of reflection from Jenelle, who looks off to the sky with wistful rumination and says "When you have a best friend, a boy friend, that since day one of your relationship, and you've been in a relationship for FIVE MONTHS straight, it's like one day someone just takes away your best friend."
Well let's be fair, it wasn't just "someone" that took him away, it was the police. Who arrested him for breaking and entering and doing coke.
"I still love Kieffer," says Jenelle.
"What about Jace," Mike asks.
"Yeah I love Jace too. What about him?" Yep.
*****
Stay tuned for PART TWO coming tomorrow. The explosive ending to Kailyn and Jo's custody hearing, Corey and Leah's wedding, and the triumphant return of Kieffer Delp.
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