Someone's Trying to Kill John Denver!

Anyone who knows me, knows I love three things: political intrigue, redacted names, and John Denver's wonderful song "Country Roads."

Imagine my wonder and shock when I discovered all three of my loves merged beautifully together.  The Federal Bureau of Investigation has recently released hundreds of previously classified  investigation documents on a number of famous people and incidents.  They call it "The Vault."  There are files on Notorious B.I.G., the Kent State massacre, and even unexplained animal mutilation. 

It seems the FBI even had a case file on one Henry John Deutschendorf, Jr., alias John Denver.  Sure, we remember John Denver as a mild, bespectacled folk singer, tireless political activist, and frequent guest star on the Muppets.  Here's what the FBI thought of him: an anti-American habitual drug user and possible target of a La Cosa Nostra hit squad (in one report an agent notes that Denver is chronically "strung out on cocaine").  Makes John Denver seem a lot more bad ass doesn't it?

He also had SEVENTEEN death threats from an unknown German woman in December 1979.  Apparently, she called Denver's various businesses to say that her mother's boyfriend was coming to Los Angeles to kill the singer.  Achtung, baby!  Who was she?  A jilted lover?  Spurned fan?  Why don't these reports add more commentary?

And I don't need to remind you that Denver died in a mysterious plane crash in 1997 with over 2,700 hours of flight experience.  Just saying.

John Denver: entertainer, drug user, car salesman.

Perhaps the most ridiculous thing about this case file is that it shows just how paranoid Richard Nixon was at the height of his presidency.  In May 1971, the FBI investigated Denver regarding his part in a "Dump the War Rally" in Minnesota.  Along with "Former Navy Lieutenant" and swift boat commander John Kerry and U.S. Senator Eugene McCarthy (the good McCarthy), Denver presumably showed up and sang a few tunes in between passionate speeches.  According to the report, 17,000 people showed up to this folk concert/"Dump Nixon effort."

The Swift-boating of John Denver begins.

How paranoid do you have to be to waste the tax-payer's money with an FBI investigation into John Denver at a war rally?  Well, as we know now, Nixon was pretty damn paranoid.  But I digress, this is starting to get too political, and that's not the reason I bring John Denver up.  What I wonder is this... just who is the FBI keeping tabs on these days?  Which celebrity has death threats and which one is in bed with the Yakuza?  I guess we'll find out when the Feds redact and release today's files in another 30 years.  But it's always fun to speculate...

Do these stars have FBI files, and what's in them?

Justin Bieber - An obvious yes.  A good stalker could make a career out of Bieber, but something tells me his freaky fans are not just pre-teen girls.   You know there are a whole host of balding, 40-something creeps with Bieber fan sites that the FBI E-Squad monitors... just in case.

Rebecca Black - No, not yet.  She's harmless enough.  Plus, all the cyber-bullying is being directed outwardly in YouTube dislikes and snarky blogs.  Which brings me to a thought... does the FBI investigate memes?

"Weird Al" Yankovic - Maybe.  You know Coolio was pissed about the whole Amish Paradise thing.  Was he pissed enough to plan a hit on the famed Polish Parody man?

George Clooney - God yes, and as thick as a phone book.  Between his leftist leanings, jaunts to Darfur and poking fun at Charlton Heston's Alzheimer's, the FBI has a lot to keep track of.  Still, it's tough to dislike the guy, especially when he says things like this: “I didn’t live my life in the right way for politics, you know, I fucked too many chicks and did too many drugs, and that’s the truth.”

Michael Jordan - A resounding yes, and man I'd love to see it.  Rumor has it that Jordan took those two years off to play baseball because he was secretly banned from the NBA for gambling.  Sure, it's a total made-up allegation... right?  What does RICO have to say about it?  Also, Jordan spends roughly 65% of his time in casinos, you can't do that and not make a few enemies or friends with Italian last names.  What?

Gary Coleman - Yeah of course, he was a candidate for California Governor at one point.  I'm sure the FBI was very busy at that point investigating porn stars, media magnates, and comedians that were all running for office.  Coleman's life read like a tragedy, including a reported attempt to purchase a bulletproof vest which led to him punching an autograph seeking fan.  I would want to read this case file out of morbid curiosity. 

Who else do you think has an FBI case file?  And what's in it?  Leave your guesses in the comments section!