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The True Story of Valentine's Day

Note: This incredibly true story was told by my great-uncle Albert at the 1994 family reunion.  I have transcribed it from an audio recording once thought lost, but recently discovered in a box of Christmas decorations.  At the time, my cousin Doug had a fixation with oral history and had been attempting to document the family’s past by interviewing senior members.  However with the rise of the Internet upon us, Doug quickly lost interest and moved on to online gaming.  Luckily, I stumbled upon his audio tapes this past Christmas and found them fascinating.  And in the case of the story you will read… very timely.

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Gather around children, come closer Maxwell, I don’t have the voice I once did.  No, no that’s too close you are on my robe.  That’s better.  Now, where was I?  Ah yes, the TRUE story of Valentine’s Day.  You see, long before St. Patrick and St. Valentine were saints, they were in fact brothers.  Yes, but while Patrick was off in the foothills of Ireland sneaking nips of whiskey and caning snakes, Valentine was in love.  The kind of love that twists up your guts, scrambles your brain and generally sends you into a complete state of foolishness.  Now you can see why the Church doesn’t want you to know the real story.  It’s far too violent , far too romantic and far too real.  This is the true story of how Valentine got his own day.  

 

In the province of Tuscany, circa… oh, say about the 1500s… Valentine was dating the hottest, smartest girl, a girl named Liza.  And that made a defrocked Vatican Cardinal in town very jealous.  Banned from the Church because of his tendency to summon demons to do his bidding, the vile Cardinal summoned up some demons from the depths of Hell to steal away Liza.  For you see, if he couldn’t have her, then no one could.  The demons stashed Liza away in a tall tower in the city of Pisa.  It was an impenetrable fortress, fortified with black magic and quick dry concrete.  At the time, that was the hardest, most impenetrable substance known to man… except for the power of love.

            And the power of love is what Valentine had on his side.  On February 14, he recruited his roommate, a balding, cherubic man named Cupid to go on a raid the likes of which would surely put him in a class of hero along with Odysseus and Luke Skywalker.  Cupid was a hell of a shot with a bow and arrow, and Valentine had an innate ability to throw sharpened metal objects at targets.  Today you might know them as ninja throwing stars, but back then they were much different.  Working in his shop, Valentine fashioned an easy to throw “heart-shaped” blade.  Today this heart shape has become the unlikely symbol of love, but really Valentine did it because it was far easier to throw.

            Valentine and Cupid gathered up their deadly wares and set forth to the town of Pisa, all the while Valentine regaling him with stories how lovely Liza was until Cupid stuffed some cotton in his ears and began to mentally steel himself to a knock down, drag out battle.  Finally, the dynamic duo came upon the tower, nearly eight stories high and teeming with winged, demonic creatures just dying to rip their throats out.  But the men were undeterred.  Storming the entrance, Valentine and Cupid cleared every room on their way to the top with the skilled ferocity of what would later be known as a Seal Team 6.  Cupid was firing off arrow after arrow with relentless and brutal efficiency.  Valentine was whipping enchanted heart-shaped throwing blades dead solid perfect every time.  And the demons were dying left and right and every which way.  Finally, the boys came to the last room in the tower, where the Cardinal and Liza were locked away.  Valentine kicked in the door.

            “Stay back or the girl gets it!” the Cardinal screamed.  He had a dagger pressed against Liza’s throat.

            “Pull up a few extra seats Cupid, looks like this just became a double date,” Valentine said.  

            And with that he dispatched the Cardinal with a well-placed throwing heart to the chest.  The Cardinal fell to the floor clutching his chest, and Cupid walked over and double tapped two arrows into the Cardinal’s head.

            “Oh Valentine, I love you,” swooned Liza.

            But the work wasn’t over, for the black magic that ensnared the tower sent shockwaves out from the Cardinal’s dead body.

            “We gotta get outta here!” screamed Cupid, who ran flailing his stubby, cherubic arms.

            And with that, the threesome ran like hell as the stairways shifted and crumbled behind them.  They made it outside, where the Pope himself stood before them.  Valentine glanced back and saw that the Tower of Pisa was now leaning decidedly, but was other wise intact.

            The Pope looked quite regal in his stately hat.  Before anyone could speak, he raised a hand.

            “Valentine, you have done a great service to us in defeating the evil Cardinal.  That had been on my to-do list for awhile now, just never got around to it.  Anywho, in appreciation of that, I’d like to make you a Saint, just like your big brother.  What do ya say?”

            Valentine thought long and hard, and finally accepted.  After all, who wouldn’t want to be immortalized forever?  But the Pope wouldn’t let Valentine get away with it that easy.

            “To be a Saint, you must choose something in which to stand for.  So what say ye, St. Valentine?  What will you be the saint of exactly?”

            Valentine was befuddled.  After all, he had simply wanted to save his fair maiden.  But Liza knew right away.

            “Dear Pope, dearest Valentine.  Does it not make most perfect sense that Valentine become the patron saint of love?”

            Valentine mulled it over.  Of course, he knew she was right.  And even if she wasn’t, better not to rock the apple cart.  And henceforth it was known that February 14^th would be known as Valentine’s Day, a day when lovers would shower each other with affection.

            Valentine and Liza embraced and walked off to a waiting carriage the Pope had arranged.  Cupid just stood there, balding and realizing that his best friend wouldn’t be around much any more.  For you see, Valentine and Liza would be married, and there would be many housewares to buy.

            “Well this sucks,” cried Cupid.   “What’s going to happen to me?”

            The Pope smiled.  “Ah Cupid, do not fret.  I have big plans for you.”

            And so ends the true tale of Valentine’s Day.  Of course, given the dark arts, rampant violence and threatening sexual innuendo of this story, it’s no wonder the Church hid it away.  So enjoy your candies kiddies and think not of magic nor swords nor beautiful women.  For Valentine’s Day is all about greeting cards and other stuff you’ll find out about when you are older…

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            At this point the tape cuts off with a muffled thump.  But by then the damage was done.

Who Would Fardels Bear?

Robert has a lot of very informative videos on his Youtube channel – from tips on how to take showers to proper methods for using a toilet (i.e. taller people need a toilet riser).  But Robert is also a true Renaissance man, switching effortlessly from household tips to Shakespeare soliloquies.  Below find a lovely Hamlet rendition.

For more, check out his channel. 

Couponing: Not Just For Sad, Old People Anymore

America is all about saving money and finding deals these days.  Every day a knock-off Groupon website pops up, including a new one started by Glenn Beck.  American Pickers is a hit show where people dig through garbage in hopes of finding expensive antiques.  And there is actually an entire website devoted to sleeping in airports to save money on vacations.  While I'm a guy that loves a deal, I also love not wasting my mother f****** time (to paraphrase Al Pacino in Heat).  Many money-saving devotees go to extremes, spending insane hours coupon clipping and living in discomfort to save peanuts on often impractical goods.

Case in point.  A few years ago I was in Walgreens picking up some cold medicine.  At the register in front of me was a silver-haired woman looking to score a deal on the store's 2 for 1 Ruffles potato chips promotion.  The only problem: the store was out of Ruffles.  So the woman demanded the cashier write out a rain check for 2 bags of Ruffles at the sale price.  Never mind the fact that she could have walked 50 feet down to Safeway and bought a bag of chips if she were that desperate.  No, this was more about getting the deal.  It didn't matter if it took days or a week for Walgreens to restock Ruffles, this woman was going to get that deal.

Really not worth the time.

Well, the memory of the cashier reaching under the counter, literally blowing dust off of the stack of rain checks, and then trying to figure out how to fill one out is forever burned in my brain.  But this woman has nothing on the coupon-clipping, money-saving women of TLC's Extreme Couponing.  Yes, they are all women on this show – save for the depressed husbands that get dragged on 5-hour shopping trips.

In case you are unfamiliar, Extreme Couponers go to any means possible – even potentially illegal ones – to save money at the grocery store.  They clip coupons from their papers and their neighbor's papers, download coupons off websites, plan weeks in advance for shopping trips, and generally devote full-time job hours to saving massive amounts of money on groceries.

But is it worth it to spend 40 hours a week in order to stockpile 72 packages of Excedrin?  I wanted to find out, so here is my running diary of Episode 2 of Extreme Couponing.

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00:54 - The narrator tells us we're about to witness some of the most "dramatic check outs you've ever seen."  Well, I've never seen a single dramatic check out ever, so this show will be the first.  Television has brought us a lot of dramatic things over the years: dramatic story arcs, dramatic characters, and dramatic cliffhangers.  But television for the most part has devolved.  Now the bar is so low that we're compelled to watch dramatic check outs. 

1:25 - We're only a minute in and we've already had our first blasphemy.  The narrator informs us that collecting coupons is a religious experience, followed by our first coupon-cutter stating about her stacks of coupons, "I would say this is about a hundred Holy Bibles."  Her 11th Commandment is "Thou Shalt Not Pay Retail." 

One of Jesus' Disciples.  Of course I mean Jesus Hernandez of Ft. Lauderdale, an extreme couponer.

1:36 - Our first Extreme Couponer/blasphemer is named J'amie Kirlew, who bills herself as "The Diva for Coupons."  She's also a big fan of the color purple, as she's wearing a purple blouse, sweater, nail polish and has a heavy lacquering of purple eye shadow.  Her hair, make-up and features make her seem very bird like, she's got quite the beak on her.  She claims to dedicate 100% of her time and her "talents" to couponing.  It's true, I've seen her scissor work and it's phenomenal.

Side note: I'm not adding any further apostrophes to her name out of principle.  From here on out she will be known as Jamie.  Anyone that spells their name with an apostrophe and is not an All-Pro wide receiver or a Grammy winning singer is taking the diva thing too damn far.


2:35 - Apparently a shower filled with 450 rolls of toilet paper is only the beginning to Jamie's stockpiling.  Her storage room has 60 boxes of cereal, 70 bottles of laundry detergent, 100 containers of cleaning wipes, and 200 hand soap dispensers.  Did I accidentally click over to an episode of Hoarders? 

J'amie's St'ockpile

3:10 - Jamie started hoarding/couponing when her husband lost his job.  She was worried she'd never get to go out with her friends again for a glass of wine.  Oh, the humanity!  Jamie was determined to live the lifestyle her family had become accustomed to, so she started couponing – spending up to six hours a day clipping coupons and planning for one of 4 weekly shopping trips.  She's makes spreadsheets, does online research, and meticulously plans her strategy.  She even has an alphabetical list of every item in her local grocery store.

All of this makes me think... Jamie is obviously smart and extremely organized.  She basically spends 40 hours a week at this "job" to scrimp and save on items she doesn't exactly need.  You don't need 200 hand soap dispensers, usually 3 in a home would suit a family's needs.  Why not put your energies into finding an "actual job," make some money, and buy what you want?  Well, the short answer is because Jamie, like all people on this series, has a borderline obsessive personality manifested in clipping coupons.  The whole process has taken on a life of its own.

4:27 - Time to get pretty!  Jamie's most important step in shopping is to slather make-up all over herself because her "image is very important."  I applaud this.  She's also wearing leather, high-heel boots.  Most of the people you see today in grocery stores are disheveled creeps that look like they've just rolled out of bed.  Related, here is my assessment of grocery store shopping demographics based on time of day.

• 8:30 am - Women, post-dropping their kids off to school.  They usually are wearing pajamas and slippers and are buying Frito's snack packs for lunches.  Lost the will to care how they look, will go back to bed once finished.

• 10:00 am - Prime senior citizen shopping time.  They've already been up for five hours.  These creatures wander the aisles slowly, buying boxes of pasta and feeling every single grapefruit in the produce section.  Senior citizens love grapefruit.

• 12:30 pm - The lunch crowd, hovering around the deli counter.  Primarily men – ranging from construction workers on break to businessmen in suits (sans jackets).  You'll see lots of fountain sodas and guys eating their chips while waiting for their sandwich to be made.

• 3:30 pm - The overachieving moms who have just dropped off their kids at their afternoon activity.  These moms are buying Kashi bars and fresh vegetables for dinner tonight.  Very impatient with a set schedule.  They will berate the cashier if necessary.  

• 6:00 pm - Single men buying dinner items.  No more than 4 or 5 items maximum, including a bottle of whiskey or wine, one potato, and a bag of nuts. 

• 10:00 pm - Stoners buying junk food, fat people looking for a midnight snack (often in frozen food section), and single women crying in front of the ice cream display.

5:09 - The narrator tells us that Jamie's coupon plan has to be flawless.  She's got a list of 1,300 items and only $100 to spend.  Oh the stakes!  To prepare, Jamie freshens her lip gloss in the car mirror.  Today, she's dragging her poor husband along on the trip.  Oh sorry, she "invited him."  Right. 

5:56 - Time to put mustard on that hot dog... literally!  Jamie's buying 62 bottles of French's mustard for just $.39 each.  Mustard doesn't spoil, so it can be stored forever.  Here's the funny thing, her husband doesn't even like mustard.  Why bother buying it!? 

6:47 - Jamie's ready to check out, but first she has to reapply her eyeshadow.  The show cuts to a commercial as she peers nervously at her balance ringing up to over $1,200.  Jamie says she's never been this nervous at the register before.  What a cliffhanger. 

Cheese slices really start to add up.

7:45 - One of the annoying things about this program is the false stakes the writers/producers create.  The narrator keeps telling me that Jamie only has $100 to spend and over 2,500 coupons to use.  "She's gone over her all time high of $1,000... and starts to feel the pressure."  Well it's not like she's going to die if she miscalculated.  She just has to put back her groceries and try again.  The manager doesn't walk over and cut off a finger for every dollar she goes over her budget.  The remaining money won't come out of her children's college fund.  Get a grip.

10:02 - Jamie's grand total for four carts of utter crap is worth $1,900.  She gets that total down to $103 with coupons.  It's just a bit over her budget, but she's okay with that.  The narrator calls the check-out "grueling."  Yeah, for the poor cashier and all the saps stuck behind Jamie in line.  And I guess for Jamie's family, who are going to have to eat 90 packages of cold cuts washed down with 62 bottles of mustard.  I hope you like sandwiches kids, that's all you'll be eating for years.

Jamie does a victory jig.  Then in the car, she reapplies lip gloss.  Always a diva.

Flap those wings.

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Check back again for Part 2 where we'll meet Tiffany Ivanovsky, an extreme couponer from Texas with seven kids.  She has a rack in her bedroom for overflow items.  Of course she does.

Adult Babies: Taboo Goes Big.

The only thing that separates an adult baby and a nerdy man-child living at home is this: An adult baby will open his action figure packages to play with them; a man-child won't, lest the figures lose their resale value.  Other than that small difference, the similarities abound.  Playing with toys, having someone cook and clean for you, living without a care in the world.  It's all part of the adult baby fantasy lifestyle.  Finally an alternative lifestyle I can get behind.  Just kidding... I think.

National Geographic Channel's Taboo series recently aired an episode called "Fantasy Lives" and featured the story of 29-year-old adult baby Stanley Thornton.  It got a lot of publicity thanks to a four minute clip NGC put out hyping the episode.  The clip was so compelling, I had to watch the full segment and write a running diary.  Here it is.  (For the full episode, you'll have to do some digging on the Web.)

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01:44 - We're in Redding, California, a scenic city along Interstate-5 and home to the Shasta Dam.  It's known as the "Second Sunniest City in the United Sta... DEAR GOD.  What the... who the...

No bras were harmed in the making of this documentary.

01:55 - Ok.  Wow.  I'm back.  I just had to defiberlate... defrillberlate... defibrillate myself.  Ok.  This is Stanley's caretaker/mommy Sandra Diaz (no real relation).  I mean, wow.  Starting off strong Taboo, very strong. 

2:00 - Sandra wakes Stanley up from a nap.  He's sleeping in a man-sized crib with a teddy bear.   "Being an adult baby, I've had a couple different reactions, some good, some not so good.  I know some people that are perfectly fine with it, and I've had others that are just angry like they think it's an automatic that you're a pedophile because you're into it," Stanley says in an interview.  Wait, so you tell people you are an adult baby???  How does that come up in conversation?  

Bob:  Hi Mr. Thornton, I'm you're new neighbor.

Stanley: Nice to meet you.

Bob:  Wanna grab a beer sometime, shoot the shit?

Stanely:  I don't drink.

Bob: Well, that's okay.  Hey, you play golf at all?  Maybe we can hit up a driving range on the weekend?

Stanley:  I poop in diapers.

Bob: (stunned silence)

And frankly, yes pedophilia is the first thing I think of in this situation.  There is no good reason why adults should spend any time around children unless they are a parent, are with the kid's parents, or are the kid's teacher or licensed daycare worker.  In this horrible age we live in, you can't take any chances.  So when an adult man that is somewhat creepy looking tells me he wants to be a baby, alarms go off.

I admit it looks relaxing...

3:12 - Sandra is a registered nurse and plays the role of Stanley's mom.  She tells the camera, "I love him like he's my favorite nephew, he's like my family member who lost his mother and it's like I'm the aunt stepping in saying it's okay, I'm still here for you."

Favorite nephew?  If I'm going to wipe a grown man's fanny and bottle feed him, I damn well better feel closer to him than a nephew!  Step-mother or something, come on.

3:36 - Stanley's home looks like a total baby hazard.  There's a shot of him playing with Legos on the floor next to a fire extinguisher on the ground, loose electrical wires hanging from the walls, and sharp objects within reach.  To really role play a baby, shouldn't Stanley be putting his finger into sockets and what not?  Or at least baby-proof your home to give it a true sense of living with/like a child!  Immersion!

3:50 - The voice over tells us Stanley lives in a fantasy world (no shit) where a grown man plays with Legos, sucks on a pacifier, is spoon fed, uses baby talk, and even wears a diaper.  Back to my previous point, Stanley only role plays the good parts of being a baby (playing, pooping wherever you want) and none of its dangers.  Also I believe he is mixing age groups here.  Legos and army men are too small for a 2 year old to play with, to really role play this scenario he should be swallowing these tiny items.

Take that pacifier out of your mouth and put in one of those army men!

4:00 - A clinical psychologist comes on to tell us that "cultural norms" imply we are first babies and then grow up into adults, but if someone does this backwards it makes the public feel uncomfortable and threatened.  Well, normal human growth isn't a cultural norm is it?  Isn't it biological?  Babies act like babies because they don't have full brain function or cognitive abilities.  29-year-old adults should crave more advanced stimulation, such as gambling, strip clubs, and Angry Birds.

4:30 - The voice over tells us that Stanley switches to adult mode when he leaves the house to "avoid public shame."  Well, if he wanted to avoid public shame, maybe he shouldn't have left the house in black Dearfoam slippers, white socks and what appears to be a giant muumuu.  

My PJs were in the dryer.

Stanley is at Lowe's to pick up supplies for his next project - a supersized high chair.  This scene is a great endorsement for Lowe's.  Lowe's – the home improvement store that doesn't judge!

5:20 - Stanley says he's been working on the plans for the high chair for a year and a half.  He's already constructed a man-sized crib, which he loves because "there's nothing like waking up in a crib."  No there really isn't.  For a 2-year-old.  You know what else there is nothing like?  Waking up next to a woman in the morning after making love. 

5:45 - Stanley's condition is called "infantilism," which he admits is a conscious choice.  He also admits that for some, it's a sexual fetish (surprise, surprise).  However, Stanley isn't into kink, he does it to relax and as a form of therapy.  I did research into infantilism and some experts speculate that the causes are rooted deep in the stresses of a child's toilet training.

Basically kids need to be cheered when they poop on a toilet, or you are going to scar them for fucking life.

7:00 - Here's where things get serious.  Stanley's stress stems from an abusive home while growing up.  His therapist says he has led a traumatic life filled with abandonment.  He role plays living a different life as a different kid.  This is a heart-wrenching moment made slightly ridiculous by the producer's choice to play overwrought piano music over a shot of Stanley swinging alone in a park.   It's a distractingly heavy-handed shot and obviously staged.  I cringed at this segment.  It should have been played differently. 

Fat guy on a little swing.

9:30 - On to happier times.  Stanley role plays a baby during every meal.  He even eats baby food!  This can't taste good, can it?  I just looked on Gerber's website at some of their puree baby food flavors.  There's Macaroni & Cheese with Vegetables, Turkey & Gravy, and Sweet Potato & Corn.  Not one of those meals do I want pureed and spoon fed to me as an adult.

But... I will say that it is definitely fun to pretend an airplane of food is flying into your mouth hangar.  In fact, I even jokingly do this when I try to get my picky-eating girlfriend to try a new food.  "Who wants broccoli?  Here comes the broccoli plane in for a landing!  I sure hope the hangar doors open in time!"  Usually the plane ends up crashing into her lips, but it's still fun.

Who likes bananas!  Vroooom!

10:23 - Stanley and Sandra receive disability checks and don't work.  When Stanley's not role playing or shopping for lumber, he runs an adult baby website.  They have 1,500 members and the youngest member is 9-years-old and the oldest is 92.  Ok, I get the 92-year-old, but the 9-year-old?  That kid is practically still a baby!  He's just role playing himself!

11:15 - Stanley's high chair is complete and he settles into his first meal in it.  It looks to be some sort of pasta dish.  Sandra asks him if he "wants shaker cheese."  Of course he wants shaker cheese.  He's also eating with a fork.  I don't know about the rest of you, but when I was eating Spaghetti-O's in my high chair back in the early 1980s, I would get in there with my hands and really make a mess.  This is a very sanitized adult baby feeding.

Nom nom nom.

12:08 - It's been a long day for Stanley and he's all tuckered out.  Sandra tucks him into his crib and sings him a lullaby.  "Picture an adult man, laying in a crib, with his puppy, his little stuffed dog, smile on his face, asleep.  It is just so cute," says Sandra.  Cute indeed. 

Wait... what???

Mexican pointy boots?

Late to the Dot-Com Game...

...but this guy still has all the accoutrements.  He's Dan O'Rourke, founder of GoodGuide.com, which actually has a pretty cool iPhone app.  The app scans bar codes on products and gives you a rating on how "green" the product is.  The S.F. Chronicle had a good article about the company in the business section of today's paper. 

However, everyone knows the dot-com boom ended in the year 2000.  Out with it went grey-haired CEOs riding Razor scooters around the office... or so I thought, until I saw this picture in the paper.

And then I flipped the page and saw this one...

Be careful GoodGuide... scooters, unicycles and pinball machines were one of the chief downfalls of the first Dot-Com boom.  Those that don't learn from history are doomed to repeat it!