Brad... A BIT of an attitude!

Thanks Justin.

Vanity Fair's "My Stuff"

I love reading Vanity Fair for so many reasons.  I love the in-depth articles with seemingly no word count limits.  I love how there are 34 pages of ads before the table of contents.  And I love the "My Stuff" section, where taste-makers and trendsetters of high society share their favorite things and indispensable items.  

In this section you can find out everything from "Who inspires Rihanna?" (The Navy Seals), "What are restaurateur David Chang's favorite sheets?" (Any high thread count white sheets), and "What is Mad Men costume designer Janie Bryant's favorite snack?" (Smoked oysters on toothpicks). 

It's a fascinating look into what the stylistas and fashionistas of the world are wearing, using and grooming themselves with.  But I wonder... what if the rest of us got to be stylemakers for a change?  What can we learn from the everyday American? 

So I walked down to my local grocery store to interview some common folk.  I met a wonderful 72-year-old woman named Dorothy Becker, and she invited me back to her  home for a conversation.  I asked her a few questions in the fashion of "My Stuff."  Here are her answers.

----------

Dorothy

HOME

Where do you live?  Piedmont Gardens Retirement Community, Oakland, CA.

Favorite art?  My 8-year-old niece's finger painting.

Sheets?  Better Homes and Gardens 250 thread count, twin-size sheet set.

Stationery?  Unicef cards by Hallmark.

Cocktail?  Fresca with a splash of gin.

CLOTHES

Jeans you can't live without?  Lee Side-Elastic Stretch Jeans

Favorite underwear?  I'm uncomfortable with this question.

Sneakers?  Dearfoams Plush Clogs.

Watch? Classic Mickey Mouse watch, from a lovely Disneyland trip.

Designer?  Kathy Ireland.

GROOMING

Favorite Shampoo?  Prell Classic. 

Toothpaste? Sensodyne.

Soap?  I splurge!  Dove Sensitive Skin.

Where do you get your hair cut?  We have an Asian girl come to the complex every month for trims.  She's lovely.

INSPIRATIONS

Favorite discovery?  My Jitterbug phone's auto dial feature.

Necessary extravagance?  I treat myself to a See's assortment every Christmas.

Who inspires you?  My grandchildren!

Favorite vacation spot?  Branson, MO.

Favorite movie?  When I feel sad, I put in my VHS copy of "Shall We Dance."  Astair truly was magical.

-------

Well, there you have it.  Quite enlightening, wasn't it?  Thanks again to Dorothy for her time.

This week in Commercial Creepazoids. 4/26/11

To be a CEO of a major American company, you have to be equal parts ruthless, relentless and willing to gut your competitors like a fish.  You also have to be extremely narcissistic, which is why we see so many CEOs in commercials for their own company.  If you think about it, this is the height of vanity.  

These CEOs believe that they are the most important thing the company has going for them, not the product, the employees, certainly not the customers.  They crave the spotlight and are desperate to be paraded in front of the cameras... so long as its not because of bad publicity.  Of course, CEOs are like professional athletes, insulated from criticism and often never told no or "that's a bad idea."  It's why 60% of NBA players declare bankruptcy after retiring, and why some CEOs make really bad commercials.

The poster child for athlete excess.

Don't get me wrong, sometimes the commercials work.  Dave Thomas of Wendy's literally revived his company by appearing in commercials in the late 1980s.  Brand awareness of the fast food chain skyrocketed, in part because Thomas was so folksy and unnatural on camera.  Why they're just a little mom and pop chain, let's go there for a burger tonight!

But Thomas ruined CEO commercials, soon every CEO with an elective acting class in college was running to get in front of the camera thinking they could get the same success.  But for every Orville Redenbacher or Tim and Gert Boyle, there are a dozen Dan Hesses.

Smug bastard.

Hesse is a creep.  But he wasn't always a creep!  Hesse has been appearing in Sprint commercials since 2009.  Previous iterations featured Hesse in a stylish black and white jaunt through Times Square, explaining why Sprint has the best network speed and so on.  Slate called Hesse a, "suave, urbane, corporate leader."  Or at least that was the image. 

Sprint and ad agency Goodby, Silverstein and Partners should have quit while they were ahead.  Because the current version makes Hesse look like a creep and furthermore, a dumb ass. 

Any time you use a phrase as cliched and trite as "The other day I looked (blank) up in the dictionary..." it's a sign of creative implosion.  Who among us didn't, in those desperate middle school days, start out an essay with "Webster's Dictionary defines...?"  It's the last desperate act when you are creatively exhausted.  It makes me wonder if Hesse isn't writing the copy for these commercials, because I find it hard to believe a professional ad copywriter could be this bad.  Right?  Right?

Unfortunately, the commercial also conjures up the image of Dan Hesse looking through the dictionary with a furrowed brow, desperate to figure out a big, imposing word that someone said to him.  Unlimited... hmm, that's a new one, gotta write that down, check out the dictionary tonight.  Don't let them see you sweat, you're the CEO of the third largest wireless company in the U.S., to be #1 you gotta know the big words.

Why can't cell phone companies get decent ads?  Between shirtless creepy guys, bespectacled creepy guys and absurdly creep guys... there seems to be a dearth of good ideas (Note to Dan Hesse, dearth means a scarcity.  Oh and scarcity means a lacking or "not being there."  Oh nevermind).  I appreciated Nextel's Walkie Talkie ads, they were clever and got the phone's main feature across to the viewer.  Sorry Dan, you're the Commercial Creepazoid of the week.  Down with CEOs, up with firefighters. 

Destro: A Character Study

With every movie, television, action figure, cartoon franchise, there are certain ideas and concepts considered "canon."  These are the established stories and character traits that define a pop culture item.  For example, George Lucas once said that the only true canon for his Star Wars Universe are Episodes I through VI (or self-aggrandizingly referred to as "G-Canon," for George Level Canon).  None of the novels, television shows, video games, or fan fiction "officially" count as being part of the story world.  Luke never marries Mara Jade after Return of the Jedi, Kyle Katarn doesn't become the new Emperor, and Chewy and Leia don't engage in a tawdry interspecies relationship.

Caught.

Like many a boy growing up in the 1980s, G.I. Joe was a formidable influence on my life.  But the lack of canon in G.I. Joe is one thing that has always bugged me.  Between the Saturday morning cartoon series, the action figure line, the comic books, the ridiculously out of touch animated movie, and the recent abysmal movie... there is no clear continuity.   Even worse, these cross-pollinating and criss-crossing storylines all convolute my favorite character - Destro.

The most interesting man in cartoons.

In the cartoonishly Cold War era G.I. Joe universe, the lines of good and bad are clearly drawn.  COBRA is hell bent on world domination.  G.I. Joe is an elite task force determined to stop them.  But one man plays both sides, James McCullen Destro XXIV. 

The animated series - being by far the most popular G.I. Joe form - positioned him as Cobra Commander's right hand man and COBRA's weapons supplier.  Most of what we know about Destro comes from the cartoon.  He was prone to backstabbing and second-guessing Cobra Commander at every opportunity.  Nearly every episode he could be heard yelling "FOOLS!" when one of Cobra Commander's hairbrained world take-over schemes inevitably backfired.  Sure, it's easy to criticize a mad man's lunatic schemes, but did cartoon Destro have a better plan?  Rarely, if ever.

The cartoon paints a very one-dimensional and inaccurate portrait of the steel-faced legend.  He exists solely as foil to Cobra Commander, yet without the balls to step up and do anything.  Despite the fact that Destro is Scottish, the cartoon gives him a deeply, gravelly, decidedly African-American voice.  He seems to be wearing metallic silver face paint rather than a mask.  And they also completely fuck up his back story, as depicted in the video below.

Dumb. Dumb. Dumb.  And wrong.  Destro's family was never engaged in cult like supernatural activities.  Unfortunately, there are many things the cartoon got wrong attempting for its goofy "good versus evil" plot line.  The 2009 movie is even worse, with Christopher Eccleston's Destro seemingly throwing a dart at a board and picking "creating a new world order" for his evil plot.  And don't get me started on the nano-mite technology responsible for the movie's version of his mask.

The man that would be Destro.

I prefer the mature Marvel comic series (predating the original cartoon by three years), where characters actually died and dark political themes were discussed.  In this, Destro is one of the most complex and three-dimensional characters in comic/action figure history.  He thrives in the storytelling of a serial comic, where subtle nuances are defined and explored over years. 

In the comic, the Destro clan is Scottish royalty with a castle in the Highlands.   During the English Civil War, Destro's ancestors were weapons makers, making huge profits off both the Parliamentarians and the Royalists.  Until Oliver Cromwell discovered the duplicity.  Not wanting to cut himself off from the best weapons maker in Europe, Cromwell forced the leader of the clan to wear a steel mask rather than killing him.  Fast forward hundreds of years later, where Destro XXIV has turned the mask of shame into a badge of family pride.  He continues the family business with a mercenary weapons company called M.A.R.S. (Military Armaments Research Syndicate).

Over the course of the comics, Destro transforms from mercenary capitalist supplying the well-funded COBRA with high-tech weapons into a lovesick homebody who just wants to spend quality time in his secluded castle.  Perhaps it's fatigue from one too many failed assassination attempts or simply mellowing out with age.  I would argue Destro was never fully part of COBRA, but an independent businessman who knew a sucker with deep pockets when he saw one.  He never had evil intentions in the world domination sense, apart from being an unrepentant capitalist.  A man has to earn a living after all.

Do you know how much steel polish costs per year?

Despite his lust for profits, Destro had a strong sense of honor and personal moral code.  He stopped Cobra Commander's son from killing the head Snake because he couldn't bare to see a family torn apart.  In a flashback episode, a young Destro saves G.I. Joe hero Snake-Eyes from false murder accusations in Vietnam.  He even sided with the G.I. Joe team after a secret Pentagon cabal tried to frame the heroes for a failed assault on Cobra Island.  Turns out Destro sold his weapons to the Pentagon and exposed the U.S. government for its hypocrisy... after he had taken their money of course.  The world was not so black and white.

Lovers: Destro and the Baroness

Cobra Commander needed Destro more than vice versa, yet he never fully trusted the man in the metal mask.  Maybe it was because Destro had long-loved and long-got-his-schwerve-on with the Commander's second in command, the Baroness.  Perhaps if the Baroness had NOT been so involved with COBRA, Destro would have lived out an understated life as a Lord of War.  But his obsessive love for the emotionally disturbed Baroness forced his hand.

Towards the end of the Marvel comic line, it's revealed that Baroness's long obsession with killing Snake Eyes is rooted in her false belief that he killed her brother in Vietnam.  She comes to the realization that her whole terrorist life is a lie and attempts suicide by leaping out of a helicopter, only to be saved by Storm Shadow.  Recuperating later and reflecting on her life, Baroness and Destro talk in a hotel room.  Destro is willing to give up everything - his weapons business, his family mask, his whole life - to be with Baroness.  He even removes his mask, dropping it to the floor with a clunk to reveal his face.

Handsome devil.

Destro and Baroness - now going by their given names James and Anastasia - flee to Destro's secret hideout in Trans-Carpathia to live the quiet life.  Not quite the life of the cartoon's sadistic corporate madman.  Of course, going straight is never easy.  The couple had to survive more assassination attempts, Cobra Commander's hypnotic trance on Baroness, and the emergence of Destro's duplicitous son Alexander.  

In the fictional comic world, Destro's whereabouts are currently unknown.  But I like to think he's out there somewhere, taking Baroness out to fancy dinners and secretly dreaming up new weapon technology. 

It's a shame the 2009 movie was such a departure from the classic Joe storylines.  For most, G.I. Joe is known for comical public service announcements.  Still, the cartoon series rightly deserve its place in pop culture lore.  But there should be a place for more mature re-tellings of the characters that defined so many 80s baby's childhoods.  Can't the stories advance into present times without becoming so ridiculously out of touch with the source material? Yes the characters were created to sell toys, but it's still real to me dammit!

For now we are stuck with the great, but too short, Adult Swim cartoon "G.I. Joe: Resolute."  Alas.

Liberal Arts: The Movie

FADE IN: 

INT. COLLEGE HALLWAY - DAY

A young, eager STUDENT waits patiently outside an office door.  He’s a freshly scrubbed Freshman, dressed nicely in khakis and a white golf shirt.  He carries three books under his arms and a pen behind his ear.  He knocks on the door.

A wild-haired, bespectacled PROFESSOR swings the door open.  He’s in his late 40s with a sleepy look in his eyes.  He’s dressed much worse than the Freshman, wearing ripped jeans and a T-shirt.

PROFESSOR

What?

STUDENT

Hello, Professor Bybee.  My name is Seth, I’m in your Thursday class.  Do you have office hours right now?

PROFESSOR BYBEE

Yes, yes.  Come in.

Seth enters Bybee’s office, it’s cluttered in a maniacally genius way.  Some serious thinking goes on here.  There is a copy of Penthouse mixed in with academic journals and The Economist on Bybee’s desk.  A large Indian drapery covers the office windows, letting in a small amount of orangeish natural light.  Bybee takes a seat in a well-worn fabric chair and motions Seth to sit.

SETH

Professor, I’m having a hard time with this class.

PROFESSOR BYBEE
What’s the problem?

SETH
I... well... what’s this class about anyway?

Bybee removes his glasses.

PROFESSOR BYBEE

It’s about the hegemonic influences of western culture on the Third World.  It’s about neo-classical feminism versus post-modern feminism.  We’re talking values versus culture vis a vis politics, language and class.  It’s the digital economy versus the global capitalist economy.  It’s about finding political consciousness in an increasingly unconscionable world.  It’s the cheese-eating bourgeosie and the pseudo-choices of the American public.  Finally, it’s about the military industrial complex and the fascist vegetarian agenda.  Does that answer your question?

SETH

I think... so?

PROFESSOR BYBEE

Good.  Now I have a question for you.

Bybee puts his glasses on and leans forward.

PROFESSOR BYBEE

Where can I score some primo weed?

FADE TO BLACK.

World's Greatest Speech

Thanks Justin.

Working on something in-depth and hard-hitting for tomorrow (I hope). But for now, enjoy this.

Pretty Good Idea™ , vol. 3

From 1999 to 2008, the U.S. Mint released 50 state quarters.  Everyone loved collecting these.  Kids would rush to the bank every six weeks to exchange dollar bills for a new batch of quarters.  They'd keep them in special folders, trade 'em, and shine 'em with silver polish.  It was a frenzy on par with Beanie Babies, Tickle Me Elmo, and those creepy Furbies.

Some quarters where amazing, like Alaska, which featured an awesome Grizzly snatching a swimming salmon from a raging river.  Or Wyoming, with its silhouette of a cowboy breaking down a wild, bucking colt.  Both capture the spirit, splendor, and pride of their respective states.



Yee-haw!!!



 

Gggrrrrrowwrr, bear claws.



There were a few stinkers too.  Like Wisconsin, playing up all its stereotypes with a giant cow's face and a cheese wheel stamped on its coinage.  Might as well just throw Crestor pills on there too.  And Oklahoma, with a sissy bird and flowers on it.  There could have been so many better choices in such an American state - football, pioneers, Native American history, bison, or even the Broadway hit "Oklahoma!" 

Moo.

Rogers & Hammerstein are spinning in their grave.

Sadly, the state quarter program ended when the U.S. Mint ran out of states.  Sure, they started minting quarters with U.S. Territories on them, but it's not the same.  No one wants to collect the Northern Mariana Islands.  No one.

So when I read about Hershey's raising prices by 10% due in part to slumping sales estimates and the rising cost of cocoa, I had an epiphany*.  Like a shot of nitrous oxide to the gas tank of its profit lines, candy rival Mars, Inc. could boost sales of M&Ms through the roof by... printing state images on their candies. 

Stay with me here.  M&Ms already offers consumers the ability to personalize their own bite sized confections with words, pictures, even NFL logos.  They have the technology.  

Your face here.

Print the 50 states on M&Ms and market them as a limited edition collectors item.  Make it nearly impossible to collect all 50 - kids and parents will be buying bags upon bags of M&Ms with no end in sight!  And it gets better.  Mars, Inc. could have a contest... if you collect the M&Ms for all 50 states, you win a free trip to the state of your choice (continental U.S. only).  Only there would be one state that's nearly impossible to find, like Connecticut (most people couldn't find it on a map anyway).  

Find Connecticut, win a prize.

And of course the added bonus is that we would get a re-do on some of the lamest state quarters.  Mars could drive traffic to the M&Ms website and allow consumers to vote on their favorite designs.  Better yet, people would have to sign up with their e-mail addresses to vote... allowing Mars to bombard them with ads, coupons, and more!!!  Hershey's wouldn't stand a chance in hell.

People love candy.  People love collecting.  People love winning things.  With a contest like this, we're all winners.

*This idea actually came to my girlfriend in a sugar-induced stupor, but like any good American I stole it and capitalized on it.