Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Monday, April 18, 2011
Someone's Trying to Kill John Denver!
Anyone who knows me, knows I love three things: political intrigue, redacted names, and John Denver's wonderful song "Country Roads."
Imagine my wonder and shock when I discovered all three of my loves merged beautifully together. The Federal Bureau of Investigation has recently released hundreds of previously classified investigation documents on a number of famous people and incidents. They call it "The Vault." There are files on Notorious B.I.G., the Kent State massacre, and even unexplained animal mutilation.
It seems the FBI even had a case file on one Henry John Deutschendorf, Jr., alias John Denver. Sure, we remember John Denver as a mild, bespectacled folk singer, tireless political activist, and frequent guest star on the Muppets. Here's what the FBI thought of him: an anti-American habitual drug user and possible target of a La Cosa Nostra hit squad (in one report an agent notes that Denver is chronically "strung out on cocaine"). Makes John Denver seem a lot more bad ass doesn't it?
He also had SEVENTEEN death threats from an unknown German woman in December 1979. Apparently, she called Denver's various businesses to say that her mother's boyfriend was coming to Los Angeles to kill the singer. Achtung, baby! Who was she? A jilted lover? Spurned fan? Why don't these reports add more commentary?
And I don't need to remind you that Denver died in a mysterious plane crash in 1997 with over 2,700 hours of flight experience. Just saying.
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| John Denver: entertainer, drug user, car salesman. |
Perhaps the most ridiculous thing about this case file is that it shows just how paranoid Richard Nixon was at the height of his presidency. In May 1971, the FBI investigated Denver regarding his part in a "Dump the War Rally" in Minnesota. Along with "Former Navy Lieutenant" and swift boat commander John Kerry and U.S. Senator Eugene McCarthy (the good McCarthy), Denver presumably showed up and sang a few tunes in between passionate speeches. According to the report, 17,000 people showed up to this folk concert/"Dump Nixon effort."
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| The Swift-boating of John Denver begins. |
How paranoid do you have to be to waste the tax-payer's money with an FBI investigation into John Denver at a war rally? Well, as we know now, Nixon was pretty damn paranoid. But I digress, this is starting to get too political, and that's not the reason I bring John Denver up. What I wonder is this... just who is the FBI keeping tabs on these days? Which celebrity has death threats and which one is in bed with the Yakuza? I guess we'll find out when the Feds redact and release today's files in another 30 years. But it's always fun to speculate...
Do these stars have FBI files, and what's in them?
Justin Bieber - An obvious yes. A good stalker could make a career out of Bieber, but something tells me his freaky fans are not just pre-teen girls. You know there are a whole host of balding, 40-something creeps with Bieber fan sites that the FBI E-Squad monitors... just in case.
Rebecca Black - No, not yet. She's harmless enough. Plus, all the cyber-bullying is being directed outwardly in YouTube dislikes and snarky blogs. Which brings me to a thought... does the FBI investigate memes?
"Weird Al" Yankovic - Maybe. You know Coolio was pissed about the whole Amish Paradise thing. Was he pissed enough to plan a hit on the famed Polish Parody man?
George Clooney - God yes, and as thick as a phone book. Between his leftist leanings, jaunts to Darfur and poking fun at Charlton Heston's Alzheimer's, the FBI has a lot to keep track of. Still, it's tough to dislike the guy, especially when he says things like this: “I didn’t live my life in the right way for politics, you know, I fucked too many chicks and did too many drugs, and that’s the truth.”
Michael Jordan - A resounding yes, and man I'd love to see it. Rumor has it that Jordan took those two years off to play baseball because he was secretly banned from the NBA for gambling. Sure, it's a total made-up allegation... right? What does RICO have to say about it? Also, Jordan spends roughly 65% of his time in casinos, you can't do that and not make a few enemies or friends with Italian last names. What?
Gary Coleman - Yeah of course, he was a candidate for California Governor at one point. I'm sure the FBI was very busy at that point investigating porn stars, media magnates, and comedians that were all running for office. Coleman's life read like a tragedy, including a reported attempt to purchase a bulletproof vest which led to him punching an autograph seeking fan. I would want to read this case file out of morbid curiosity.
Who else do you think has an FBI case file? And what's in it? Leave your guesses in the comments section!
Who else do you think has an FBI case file? And what's in it? Leave your guesses in the comments section!
Friday, April 15, 2011
Hey F*** You, Jamie Oliver!
Jamie Oliver is a celebrity chef from jolly old England who made a name for himself cooking naked in Britain's schools. Or something like that (I don't do much research). Apparently he was disgusted by the over-processed, under-nutritioned meals the schools were feeding the children. So he made a TV show about it. The U.K. show was a success, so he repeated the efforts in Huntington, West Virginia - a place Oliver calls "ground zero" for America's obesity epidemic. Damn, Huntington just got served.
Now he's tackling the Los Angeles Unified School District, for reasons both altruistic and possibly monetary. Oh, and it's gonna be televised, son!!!
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| Jamie Oliver in the... kitchen? |
Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution season 2 aired three nights ago on ABC. The reviews were generally positive beforehand, with most of the "liberal" press applauding Oliver's efforts. Last season the show won the Emmy for Outstanding Reality Series.
Yet the debut season 2 episode saw the ratings slip 40% from last season's premiere. This got me thinking. As my girlfriend recently proclaimed, fat people have replaced little people as the go-to ratings boon for any network. Say goodbye to the Roloffs and Pit Boss and say hello to the Biggest Loser, Heavy, and I Used to be Fat (which is a GREAT show for other reasons). So why did Oliver tank and the ratings for other fat shows balloon like the waistlines of our populace?
Jamie Oliver might just piss people off. He's very polarizing. People in America have seemingly had enough of Jamie Oliver and his quest to get us to stop eating garbage. I settled in with some Doritos and a Coke Zero and jotted down some notes in a Running Diary of Food Revolution 2: Los Angeles.
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8:00 - Jamie arrives in Los Angeles, 11 million people, Hollywood stars, healthy lifestyles. Why did he choose this place again? Someone on screen says, "It's easier to get a gun, crack or prostitute in Los Angeles than a tomato." Wait a second, that's not a fair comparison! Guns, crack and hookers are native to Los Angeles, tomatoes come from South America.
8:03 - Jamie explains that prior to even filming, the LAUSD denied him access to any of their schools. Come on LAUSD, you just gave the producers the entire season's story line!!! Now if he does get into the schools, you look like you caved.
8:04 - There's a shot of Jamie's chubby wrist on the steering wheel of a car. This is one thing I have a problem with. For a healthy eating advocate, Oliver sure is doughy. He's developing a double chin. I want my food advocates rail thin and looking like they've never enjoyed a cheeseburger in their lives.
8:05 - Jamie goes on Ryan Seacrest's radio show to promote his efforts. Seacrest is producing Jamie's show. Synergy!
8:06 - Product placement! Microsoft's bing© has sponsored some sort of a giant CNN-style Stiuation Room touch screen that lets Jamie keep tabs on obesity and where exactly someone is eating a doughnut, possibly complete with a Google satellite view of the person gorging on fried food.
8:06 - Either Jamie or his producers have put a casting call out for middle aged folks and chunky kids. They've arrived to hear a lecture on what goes into a school lunch hamburger. But first Jamie has asked kids to bring in their "actual" school lunches. A lot of prepackaged doughnuts and cheese filled things. They do look pretty disgusting.
Yet a part of me longs for the sticky sweet taste of a Svenhard's Bear Claw while watching this.
8:03 - Jamie explains that prior to even filming, the LAUSD denied him access to any of their schools. Come on LAUSD, you just gave the producers the entire season's story line!!! Now if he does get into the schools, you look like you caved.
8:04 - There's a shot of Jamie's chubby wrist on the steering wheel of a car. This is one thing I have a problem with. For a healthy eating advocate, Oliver sure is doughy. He's developing a double chin. I want my food advocates rail thin and looking like they've never enjoyed a cheeseburger in their lives.
8:05 - Jamie goes on Ryan Seacrest's radio show to promote his efforts. Seacrest is producing Jamie's show. Synergy!
8:06 - Product placement! Microsoft's bing© has sponsored some sort of a giant CNN-style Stiuation Room touch screen that lets Jamie keep tabs on obesity and where exactly someone is eating a doughnut, possibly complete with a Google satellite view of the person gorging on fried food.
8:06 - Either Jamie or his producers have put a casting call out for middle aged folks and chunky kids. They've arrived to hear a lecture on what goes into a school lunch hamburger. But first Jamie has asked kids to bring in their "actual" school lunches. A lot of prepackaged doughnuts and cheese filled things. They do look pretty disgusting.
Yet a part of me longs for the sticky sweet taste of a Svenhard's Bear Claw while watching this.
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| Delicious. |
8:08 - One mom tells Jamie that ever since her son started going to school, he won't eat his vegetables. I'm sorry, how is this the school's problem? Why do so few people blame the parents, when as Details Magazine stated, indulgent parents are raising a generation of douchebags. Of course, when given choices, idiot children will always pick something sugar-coated. This is why as parents, you give them NO CHOICES. Kids can't feed themselves! They just aren't smart enough, people! There is a reason why parents of yesteryear demanded that their kids eat their vegetables before leaving the table. Just because something is old school doesn't mean it's a negative, you New Agers. Gawd.
8:09 - Jamie just grabbed a baby from a mother's arms. "This is the future of America," he says. He's in full campaign mode now.
8:13 - After a commercial, Jamie walks a full grown cow out into his kitchen. It has chalk markings drawn onto its flanks to show the cuts of beef. Oliver once slit the throat of a live lamb on a TV show in the U.K. That's true, he did it to highlight inhumane slaughterhouse conditions. Is he about to do the same thing to his cow!?! Stay fucking tuned!
8:14 - Alas, no Jamie will not be slaughtering this cow. It's a stunt cow, and apparently the only stunt it can perform is standing still while Jamie spraypaints dollar values over its flanks. Booooring.
8:16 - Jamie introduces us to Pink Slime. This isn't a Nickelodeon gimmick, but God I wish it were. It's the unused trimmings of an animal, usually beef, that gets processed into a slime and sold as an additive to fast food restaurants for their burgers. It's three cents per pound cheaper than regular ground beef, so profits aplenty. Spoiler alert - Jamie says it's rampant with E.coli and salmonella, and that companies mix ammonia in with the trimmings to kill bacteria. Mmm, ammonia.
The company in question that seems to have patented the ammonia beef is Beef Products, Inc. of South Dakota. Only, it doesn't really work all that well. I went to their website to get some more information, but the "Food Safety" section was under construction.
Yikes. In any event, BPI is in need of some serious re-branding and PR goodwill. The name "Beef Products" just doesn't ring out and frankly it's cold, utilitarian and unfriendly. A company with such a bad reputation needs to put a positive spin on things, like when BP added a flowery sunburst to its logo. So here are some suggestions for a name change:
8:24 - Jamie goes to an LAUSD board meeting to address the members. At the end of a three hour meeting, Jamie gets to plead his case for a measly three minutes. Predictably, he gets the run-around from the LAUSD PR lackey... blah, blah, blah. I'm way more interested in the wack job that speaks to the council before Jamie!
Crazy Guy spends his three minutes ranting about the Seven Seals, and seems to spend a lot of time on the Sixth Seal. This is interesting. You don't hear much about the Sixth Seal, it's usually the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse getting all the pub. The Sixth Seal refers to cosmic disturbances, earthquakes and the moon turning blood red, stuff like that.
Why this is of particular importance to the LAUSD is beyond me. Perhaps this guy is NOT crazy and merely a concerned parent. What are the LAUSD's plans for the apocalypse, should it occur on school time? Will the kids get under their desks? Will they know evacuation routes to the playground? Will they have to stand in a single file line until the bell rings and they can safely go back to class?
8:27 - Crazy Guy hands Jamie a flier, and tells him to check his Blogspot. Two things, ouch to Blogspot writers (ahem...), and how come ABC doesn't flash the URL in an on-screen graphic. The guy could have important information!!!
8:32 - Back from commercial, and Jamie is meeting with a Greek guy named Dino who runs Patra's Drive-Thru, an independent fast food joint in LA. First, Jamie drives through and orders one of everything on Patra's menu, just to show how truly disgusting it all is. Chili cheese fries, cheeseburgers, onion rings. The real disgusting part is the grease that is dripping onto the dash of Jamie's Land Rover. As any drive-thru eater knows, you must keep a pack of Armor All Wipes in your car at all times. Disgusting yes, impractical no.
8:33 - Jamie walks through the diner and exclaims "I love the retro look." Um, I'm pretty sure the look of Patra's is the same as when Dino's father built the place in the 1970s.
8:36 - Dino doesn't know where his beef comes from and uses artificial flavoring in his milkshakes. Dino agrees to let Jamie take a crack at health-ifying his menu, but Dino says if this fails he could lose his entire business. Oh, what stakes! Don't worry, I'm sure you'll be properly compensated by the producers, Dino my man.
8:40 - After commercial, Jamie's back at Dino's place with an arsenal of wholesome burger patties. They cook up one of Jamie's free range, grass fed, organic burgers and one of Dino's possibly-processed, ammonia-laced, salmonella-wiches. A lucky customer gets to taste test the two, and hey... he loves the taste and juiciness of Jamie's burger!
But when told by Dino that the healthy burger costs $4.95 and Dino's burger costs only $2.69, the customer says he'd buy the cheaper, less healthy version. And there you have the real crux of the issue. In the age of Extreme Couponing, Americans only care about values and getting a deal. It's why McDonald's posted a $24 BILLION profit last year.
We're also extremely lazy. It's easier and cheaper to buy a McDouble off the Dollar Menu than it is to buy organic ground beef at Whole Foods for $7.99/pound, cook it up while your rugrats scream at you that they're staaaarrvvviiinnnggg, then get them to use a napkin to wipe the grease off their faces instead of their shirtsleeves. I know, it's an old argument, but it's completely true. Americans won't conquer the obesity problem because it's just as easy not to.
8:44 - Jamie tries to make a milkshake using yogurt instead of ice cream to reduce calories, but Dino isn't having it. It's just not a classic American shake. Jamie says the "classic American shake sticks to your ass" (good line) and that Dino's getting "fussy about the ingredients." Dino's eyes light up with rage. You never insult a Greek's manhood. It's the whole reason Alexander the Great invaded Macedonia and didn't stop until he hit India!
But Jamie has a point, yogurt is dairy too. What difference does it make if it tastes fine?
8:52 - Jamie goes to a hearing on flavored milk in schools. It's as boring as it sounds.
8:53 - Jamie decided to do his own presentation on flavored milk. Why does anyone drink milk anyway, it's disgusting. You are drinking the breast milk of a cow. And it looks horrible, tastes like watered down blandness, and makes your mucus thick and chewy. It shouldn't even be served in schools. Ugh.
8:55 - Anyway, Jamie's stunt in this act is to fill an entire school bus with the equivalent of a week's worth of the added sugar in school lunch milk - a whopping 57 tons worth. Okay, I'm totally in agreement with Jamie on this one, kids don't NEED flavored milk, they just WANT it.
But how much did this stunt cost? Only 15 people showed up to the demonstration. And between the production crew, cost of 57 tons of sugar (around $45,000 as I calculated), school bus rental fee, Jamie Oliver's fee, cost of the crane to siphon the sugar, travel costs, craft services, cleaning fees... you are conservatively looking at $125,000. That's like $8,000 per person!!! But it's a helluva visual, I gotta say.
If they need a place to re-purpose all that used sugar, I know a place in South Dakota.
8:58 - It's the end of the show, and Jamie's feeling depressed. It's going to be a tough slog and he feels like he's "treading water." All in all, it turns out I like Jamie Oliver. He seems genuine, although a bit of a media whore (but who isn't these days). But here's the thing. No one wants to be lectured in this country, even if they agree with you. And worse, no one wants to be lectured by an "outsider" coming into their country.
Look, we fought tooth and nail to overthrow British rule, and there's a lot of people who don't take kindly to a Brit trying to come back and in a way, trying to impose rules all over again. This is America, man. We eat shitty food, drive shitty cars and watch shitty television. But by God, we're proud to do it.
8:59 - A discouraged Jamie says he's retreating home to "give my little boys and girls a cuddle." Don't give up hope yet.
8:09 - Jamie just grabbed a baby from a mother's arms. "This is the future of America," he says. He's in full campaign mode now.
8:13 - After a commercial, Jamie walks a full grown cow out into his kitchen. It has chalk markings drawn onto its flanks to show the cuts of beef. Oliver once slit the throat of a live lamb on a TV show in the U.K. That's true, he did it to highlight inhumane slaughterhouse conditions. Is he about to do the same thing to his cow!?! Stay fucking tuned!
8:14 - Alas, no Jamie will not be slaughtering this cow. It's a stunt cow, and apparently the only stunt it can perform is standing still while Jamie spraypaints dollar values over its flanks. Booooring.
8:16 - Jamie introduces us to Pink Slime. This isn't a Nickelodeon gimmick, but God I wish it were. It's the unused trimmings of an animal, usually beef, that gets processed into a slime and sold as an additive to fast food restaurants for their burgers. It's three cents per pound cheaper than regular ground beef, so profits aplenty. Spoiler alert - Jamie says it's rampant with E.coli and salmonella, and that companies mix ammonia in with the trimmings to kill bacteria. Mmm, ammonia.
The company in question that seems to have patented the ammonia beef is Beef Products, Inc. of South Dakota. Only, it doesn't really work all that well. I went to their website to get some more information, but the "Food Safety" section was under construction.
 | ||
| No, I'm not kidding, the safety section doesn't exist! |
Yikes. In any event, BPI is in need of some serious re-branding and PR goodwill. The name "Beef Products" just doesn't ring out and frankly it's cold, utilitarian and unfriendly. A company with such a bad reputation needs to put a positive spin on things, like when BP added a flowery sunburst to its logo. So here are some suggestions for a name change:
- Goody Goo!
- Hungry Pants Industries
- Fummy Brands (Fun and Yummy!)
- Pasture Patties
- Sunburst Foods
- Moo Mixin's
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| Look at this face. Won't somebody think of the cows? Or children, whatevs. |
8:24 - Jamie goes to an LAUSD board meeting to address the members. At the end of a three hour meeting, Jamie gets to plead his case for a measly three minutes. Predictably, he gets the run-around from the LAUSD PR lackey... blah, blah, blah. I'm way more interested in the wack job that speaks to the council before Jamie!
 |
| The Sixth Seal! |
Why this is of particular importance to the LAUSD is beyond me. Perhaps this guy is NOT crazy and merely a concerned parent. What are the LAUSD's plans for the apocalypse, should it occur on school time? Will the kids get under their desks? Will they know evacuation routes to the playground? Will they have to stand in a single file line until the bell rings and they can safely go back to class?
8:27 - Crazy Guy hands Jamie a flier, and tells him to check his Blogspot. Two things, ouch to Blogspot writers (ahem...), and how come ABC doesn't flash the URL in an on-screen graphic. The guy could have important information!!!
8:32 - Back from commercial, and Jamie is meeting with a Greek guy named Dino who runs Patra's Drive-Thru, an independent fast food joint in LA. First, Jamie drives through and orders one of everything on Patra's menu, just to show how truly disgusting it all is. Chili cheese fries, cheeseburgers, onion rings. The real disgusting part is the grease that is dripping onto the dash of Jamie's Land Rover. As any drive-thru eater knows, you must keep a pack of Armor All Wipes in your car at all times. Disgusting yes, impractical no.
8:33 - Jamie walks through the diner and exclaims "I love the retro look." Um, I'm pretty sure the look of Patra's is the same as when Dino's father built the place in the 1970s.
8:36 - Dino doesn't know where his beef comes from and uses artificial flavoring in his milkshakes. Dino agrees to let Jamie take a crack at health-ifying his menu, but Dino says if this fails he could lose his entire business. Oh, what stakes! Don't worry, I'm sure you'll be properly compensated by the producers, Dino my man.
8:40 - After commercial, Jamie's back at Dino's place with an arsenal of wholesome burger patties. They cook up one of Jamie's free range, grass fed, organic burgers and one of Dino's possibly-processed, ammonia-laced, salmonella-wiches. A lucky customer gets to taste test the two, and hey... he loves the taste and juiciness of Jamie's burger!
But when told by Dino that the healthy burger costs $4.95 and Dino's burger costs only $2.69, the customer says he'd buy the cheaper, less healthy version. And there you have the real crux of the issue. In the age of Extreme Couponing, Americans only care about values and getting a deal. It's why McDonald's posted a $24 BILLION profit last year.
We're also extremely lazy. It's easier and cheaper to buy a McDouble off the Dollar Menu than it is to buy organic ground beef at Whole Foods for $7.99/pound, cook it up while your rugrats scream at you that they're staaaarrvvviiinnnggg, then get them to use a napkin to wipe the grease off their faces instead of their shirtsleeves. I know, it's an old argument, but it's completely true. Americans won't conquer the obesity problem because it's just as easy not to.
8:44 - Jamie tries to make a milkshake using yogurt instead of ice cream to reduce calories, but Dino isn't having it. It's just not a classic American shake. Jamie says the "classic American shake sticks to your ass" (good line) and that Dino's getting "fussy about the ingredients." Dino's eyes light up with rage. You never insult a Greek's manhood. It's the whole reason Alexander the Great invaded Macedonia and didn't stop until he hit India!
But Jamie has a point, yogurt is dairy too. What difference does it make if it tastes fine?
8:52 - Jamie goes to a hearing on flavored milk in schools. It's as boring as it sounds.
8:53 - Jamie decided to do his own presentation on flavored milk. Why does anyone drink milk anyway, it's disgusting. You are drinking the breast milk of a cow. And it looks horrible, tastes like watered down blandness, and makes your mucus thick and chewy. It shouldn't even be served in schools. Ugh.
 | ||
| Milk is always a bad choice. |
8:55 - Anyway, Jamie's stunt in this act is to fill an entire school bus with the equivalent of a week's worth of the added sugar in school lunch milk - a whopping 57 tons worth. Okay, I'm totally in agreement with Jamie on this one, kids don't NEED flavored milk, they just WANT it.
But how much did this stunt cost? Only 15 people showed up to the demonstration. And between the production crew, cost of 57 tons of sugar (around $45,000 as I calculated), school bus rental fee, Jamie Oliver's fee, cost of the crane to siphon the sugar, travel costs, craft services, cleaning fees... you are conservatively looking at $125,000. That's like $8,000 per person!!! But it's a helluva visual, I gotta say.
If they need a place to re-purpose all that used sugar, I know a place in South Dakota.
8:58 - It's the end of the show, and Jamie's feeling depressed. It's going to be a tough slog and he feels like he's "treading water." All in all, it turns out I like Jamie Oliver. He seems genuine, although a bit of a media whore (but who isn't these days). But here's the thing. No one wants to be lectured in this country, even if they agree with you. And worse, no one wants to be lectured by an "outsider" coming into their country.
Look, we fought tooth and nail to overthrow British rule, and there's a lot of people who don't take kindly to a Brit trying to come back and in a way, trying to impose rules all over again. This is America, man. We eat shitty food, drive shitty cars and watch shitty television. But by God, we're proud to do it.
8:59 - A discouraged Jamie says he's retreating home to "give my little boys and girls a cuddle." Don't give up hope yet.
Thursday, April 14, 2011
A Moment of Ridiculous Silence.
I love ridiculous things, and nothing is more ridiculous than "Playland Not-At-The Beach" in El Cerrito, CA. Its founder, Richard Tuck, passed away Tuesday from gall bladder cancer at the age of 63.
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| Richard Tuck admires the original Laffing Sal. |
If you've never been to Playland, it's an amazing place. Pinball machines on free play, skeeball, a trippy 3D room painted in psychedelic colors, thousands of Dickens miniatures that have to be seen to be believed, and bring your own alcohol. You can also rent out the whole place for company events or birthday parties. And there are prizes!
It's the kind of place where you forget you are an adult and just have fun. I respect that. No irony, no bullshit, no cynicism. Just raffle tickets and good times. RIP, Richard Tuck.
It's the kind of place where you forget you are an adult and just have fun. I respect that. No irony, no bullshit, no cynicism. Just raffle tickets and good times. RIP, Richard Tuck.
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| The 3D room at Playland. |
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Pretty Good Idea™ , vol. 2
People are all about branding these days. People are also all about drinking. When I was in college, people used to have "Thirsty Thursdays." Now people also have something called "Sunday Funday," a name that is ridiculously stupid. We can do better.
Now, I stupidly didn't drink in college, a choice I regret to this day (my priorities were out of whack back then). So my gift to the drinking community is branding ideas for every single day of the week. If you are a bar owner, alcohol distributor, or even a young kid looking for a reason to "party" then this is for you.
Monday Night Raw Diet - Everyone hates Mondays, especially when football is out of season. But you know what is never out of season? WWE's Monday Night Raw! It's a perfect accompaniment to drinking, because you have to be buzzed to ignore the fact that you are watching two sweaty, juiced up gargantuans grappling each other in their nether regions while wearing very little spandex. The raw diet doesn't really let you drink, so I'll allow organic beer or spirits. Close enough.
Tattoo Tuesdays - Combo night for bar owners and tattoo artists. I'm assuming a large majority of tattoos happen when people are drunk. Why not have the tattoo artists come into the bar so drunks don't have to walk around to find them? I'm sure the tattoo artist would make a killing too. Don't forget to tip your bartender and tattooist separately.
Wanker Wednesdays - No, it's not what you think. Or maybe it is, I don't know. Derived from one of my favorite British words, this day everyone pretends to be British. You must drink English beer or spirits and speak in your best cockney accent. Don't break character, you wankers.
Touchy Feely Thursdays -This is the day to let loose and really tell people you love them. Nothing breaks down your inhibitions like alcohol, and it makes it okay to tell your boy, "Man, I just want to say, I love you... no really, I love you man." The best part is that if it gets weird, blame the alcohol.
Four Loko Fridays - It's the end of the work week, and it's time to get fucking messed up!!! I know that the FDA cracked down on the caffeine content, but many enterprising entrepreneurs stocked up. You can find it still on eBay. You can also substitute red bull and vodka, I guess. If you're a pansy!
Saturday Night Special - Carry a concealed beverage in a holster under your jacket. Shotgun a beer. Shoot empty beer bottles with a BB gun. Whatever you do, make sure it's gun related. The Second Amendment and the 21st Amendment both make America great. Disclaimer: Safety first of course. Or whatevs.
Sin-day - Sneak a flask into church.
Now, I stupidly didn't drink in college, a choice I regret to this day (my priorities were out of whack back then). So my gift to the drinking community is branding ideas for every single day of the week. If you are a bar owner, alcohol distributor, or even a young kid looking for a reason to "party" then this is for you.
 |
| Who's got two thumbs and loves King Cobra? This guy! |
Monday Night Raw Diet - Everyone hates Mondays, especially when football is out of season. But you know what is never out of season? WWE's Monday Night Raw! It's a perfect accompaniment to drinking, because you have to be buzzed to ignore the fact that you are watching two sweaty, juiced up gargantuans grappling each other in their nether regions while wearing very little spandex. The raw diet doesn't really let you drink, so I'll allow organic beer or spirits. Close enough.
Tattoo Tuesdays - Combo night for bar owners and tattoo artists. I'm assuming a large majority of tattoos happen when people are drunk. Why not have the tattoo artists come into the bar so drunks don't have to walk around to find them? I'm sure the tattoo artist would make a killing too. Don't forget to tip your bartender and tattooist separately.
 |
| Regrets, I've had a few. But this isn't one of them. |
Wanker Wednesdays - No, it's not what you think. Or maybe it is, I don't know. Derived from one of my favorite British words, this day everyone pretends to be British. You must drink English beer or spirits and speak in your best cockney accent. Don't break character, you wankers.
Touchy Feely Thursdays -This is the day to let loose and really tell people you love them. Nothing breaks down your inhibitions like alcohol, and it makes it okay to tell your boy, "Man, I just want to say, I love you... no really, I love you man." The best part is that if it gets weird, blame the alcohol.
Four Loko Fridays - It's the end of the work week, and it's time to get fucking messed up!!! I know that the FDA cracked down on the caffeine content, but many enterprising entrepreneurs stocked up. You can find it still on eBay. You can also substitute red bull and vodka, I guess. If you're a pansy!
Saturday Night Special - Carry a concealed beverage in a holster under your jacket. Shotgun a beer. Shoot empty beer bottles with a BB gun. Whatever you do, make sure it's gun related. The Second Amendment and the 21st Amendment both make America great. Disclaimer: Safety first of course. Or whatevs.
Sin-day - Sneak a flask into church.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Free Fake Names, Vol. 2
Last time I feel people got the wrong impression of these fake names. They aren't just for writers! Anyone can use them... illegal aliens, people going off the grid, even someone looking for a new lease on life. Here are some more.
Barnes Norrison
Carlos Sweetwater
Rosie Sandusky
Hansel Harrington
William Waxley, Attorney at Law
Tucker Darious
Suzy Suzuki
Fincher Schwing
Keith Charboneau
Gary Wedge
Barnes Norrison
Carlos Sweetwater
Rosie Sandusky
Hansel Harrington
William Waxley, Attorney at Law
Tucker Darious
Suzy Suzuki
Fincher Schwing
Keith Charboneau
Gary Wedge
Monday, April 11, 2011
This week in Commercial Creepazoids. 4/11/11
Terminator 3 was on Universal HD yesterday, a movie that's a wonderful allegory for mankind's dependence on machines ultimately being our complete undoing. Or something like that, there was a lot of explosions that distracted me. But it got me thinking about these IBM commercials that have been running non-stop during all sporting events the last few weeks. In the one above, IBMers gloat over their supercomputer "Watson" winning Jeopardy.
The general crux of the ad is that computers like Watson are going to revolutionize decision making for humans, because apparently we are sooooo bad at it. We're talking heath care, government, stock markets. Computers are going to help us idiot humans think more good. Or is that really what IBM is after??? I thought so until this guy came on screen...
This creep. He says "I thought the game was the end, I'm realizing it's just the beginning" in such a lecherously creepy tone... it makes you wonder if government decision making or the military industrial complex is really what's on his mind. With his sly smile and desperate geeky ecstasy, I get the sense he's hoping Watson is just the next step towards a real life...
Start crunching the numbers IBM. Let's make this happen. Your Commercial Creepazoid of the Week.
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